should i date someone i work with

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
should i date someone i work with
7
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 2:38pm
hi all, im new to this so here goes. there is a man i work with and we have become very

very close in the last few years.I finally came out and told him that i have a huge crush on him. He said he has known for awhile and that he loves me as a friend but is not sure about a realationship with me.But his body launguage and the way he acts around me says different.Ive asked him out quite a few times yet he always comes up with an excuse.What should i do ? wait till hes ready or forget the whole thing cause im going nuts here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 3:59pm
Hi! Well, to start off, I will tell you that I met my husband at work. Granted, we were just college kids and working part-time for some extra money, but we were coworkers nonetheless. I know the company we worked for discouraged people of different "ranks" to date, but even at that, I don't think it was actually forbidden.

Your situation seems a bit different. You don't really seem confused about actually dating someone you work with but rather dating this particular person. I assume he's not dating anyone else that you know of? He's straight? (I once had a crush on a gay guy before I ever knew he was gay!!! I never asked him out, so it never got to an awkward stage.) Maybe he thinks you are just better off as friends? If it bothers you that much and you are already that good of friends with him, why not ask him about it. Just have a friendly conversation with him and ask him why he seems to act one way around you, but tells you he'd just rather be friends. Just be prepared for him to say something you may not want to hear, or expect to hear.

Hope that helps, and good luck. Keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 4:16pm
Hey I think it's up to you to cool things down. If physically he may seem attracted, but is making you feel uncomfortable by rejecting to know you further you should just let things lie, and keep a professional front. To be honest it sounds like a set up for sexual harrassment. He knows you like him and he is breaking your boundaries with male co workers, so next thing you know another male will spot the little flirtation you have with him and might jump into his shoes assuming you are open to some office antics . Do you want to be pressured by another co worker you are not attracted to? This guy seems like a real immature stinker. Who knows if he likes women or not, but his attitude is sexist.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 7:13pm
let me clarify a few things he deffinently likes women, but i did have a talk to

him about how he acts around me.He is just that way, very loving and very attrative.

I know hes attracted to me but i dont fit the mold of the woman he wants.Im not thin and a supermodel but have been told im pretty. He had a past relationship with someone from work before and she was 11 years younger than him , and quite needy and a little loose from what he told me. Now with me Im four years older than him and independent and not so loose . so he always sents him self up with realationship that are bound to fail and I think with me hes afaid it might last and he doesnt know what to do.and cause we work so close he doesnt want it to happen again.so Im confused cause we have become best friends and can talk about anything (almost) yet he still flirts with me and we joke around.Yet ive fallen totally in love with him and thats my problem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 10:38am
I don't know that I have any good advice for you, but I have a couple of "stories" that seem to relate to what you're saying.

He could very well be afraid of things "working out" between you two. My brother is this way; he was very much in love with this gal several years ago, and ultimately, she broke his heart. Every girl he's dated since then is not even close to compatible with him, and I'm fairly certain he picks girls he thinks it won't work out with to avoid the possibility of being hurt. In my experience, men seem to have a much more difficult time getting over being hurt than women do.

I've also been best friends with a guy. I felt more comfortable with him than with any of my girlfriends, and we told each other everything. There was some definite flirting going on, and after a few years, I thought I'd approach him about taking our relationship to the next level; it just seemed natural. We're no longer friends. I'm not saying this is what will happen for you, but I am saying that it seems fairly common that friends of the opposite sex may flirt with each other at times, and may even feel some sort of attraction, but for whatever reason, aren't meant to be more than friends.

IMHO, I would just back off. Maintain your friendship with him, but don't get hung up on it turning into something more. As corny as it sounds, if it's meant to be, someday, it will be.

Jennifer:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 11:16am
After reading my post and your reply I think this may be more clear: you need to keep a professional front at work, including no fliriting, no footsy, etc. I have been there and this problem can lead to a lot of misunderstanding between people. I have had some work related affairs and in the end it has effected my work performance. If you can get away with doing good work, let me ad that work relationships and after work are two seperate things. If he is not meeting you after work for flirting and fun then there is no relationship or chance anymore. good luck with your personal relationships, i am sure you are a great lady to be with.
Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 3:25pm
know hes attracted to me

so he always sents him self up with realationship that are bound to fail

I think with me hes afaid it might last and he doesnt know what to do

he doesnt want it to happen again


Has he actually SAID these things to you? Because I have been in situations where I have projected MY interpretation of the situation. My feeling is this; If you have asked him out "quite a few times" and he has always found an excuse not to get together, hes interested in a friendship...nothing more. Again, this is just my read without all the pertinent info.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 4:32pm
Yes he has said all those things to me. he has said to me in the past if we didnt work together we would have gone out. But because we work so close together and have become good friends its hard.Im going to keep this as a friendship and not push him to much about this.Thanks for all your advice.