Tired of being the "comfortable friend"
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|Wed, 11-19-2003 - 12:26pm|
I'm new to this board, and I don't even know if this is where I should be posting this message, but I wasn't able to find a more appropriate place to get opinions about current friendships from people my age (31). I'm hoping you can help, or maybe point me in the right direction.
Just a little background.... Growing up, I was quite shy. My dad was loving, but strict, my mom was shy yet firm. My brother & I had a great family life, and we wouldn't have changed a thing. When I got to high school, I became very outgoing, and became known as the life of the party. My senior year, I transfered from an all-girls school to a co-ed school, and the boys swarmed. I was very cute, athletic, and just seemed to get along better with boys than I did girls (although I had plenty of friends of both sexes). For all intents & purposes, I was the "popular" girl. I got along with everyone at school, and never had an enemy. I stuck up for the shy kids, volunteered to tutor after school, but still maintained my "social status" outside of school. This trend continued into college, and even for a year or so afterward. However, things have drastically changed since then.
College was over 10 years ago. In that time, I have gotten married, bought a house, had a son, and have become a housewife. I was the first one in our "group" to get married (at age 22); the first to buy a house (at age 27) have a kid (age 29) and just plain "grow up." It seems that every time I hit one of these milestones in my life, my friends have become more distant. I don't get it, and I'm very hurt by it. I only have one other friend from my highschool days who I still talk to on a regular basis. We keep in touch by e-mail several times a week, but we never actually get together. She now has her own new clique of friends, that I am not a part of. I am more like a penpal to her that the hip highschool friends we used to be. While her social life is something to be envied, I am no longer a part of it. I have several other friends who I talk to, but they all have these other "groups" that they are a part of. I am not part of any group. I was told by one friend that I am the most "comfortable" friend she has. What does that mean? She only talks to me when she has a problem, and unfortunately, that's how most of my friends have become. They call me when they need to talk, or have something on their mind, but they never call to say, "Let's go to a movie. Let's do dinner. Let's grab a beer." I'm SOOOO tired of being the "comfortable" friend. I feel so left out. I don't know how I got to this place in my life. When my best friend Lisa tells me she is going out with her friends, I never get invited. However, when her dogs need to be let out because she can't make it home at lunch time, she calls me. I don't necessarily feel like I'm being used - I feel like I'm helping out a friend. I have had parties at my house so that all my "bits & pieces" friends (I know one person from my son's playgroup, another is a neighbor, another is an old friend - none of them know each other) can meet each other, but none of them EVER invite me to gatherings that they have with their other friends. It's almost as if they are embarrased of me for some reason. I'm starving for friendship, and I think I'm a great person. Nothing has changed about my personality, and I'm still a very outgoing, fun person. The only thing that has changed is that I'm a bit overweight from my pregnancy (although I've lost 26 lbs. recently) but that's about all that's different. I just want to fit in.
Do any of you have any idea why this is happening? Has it happened to you? What should I do. I just don't feel like I belong anywhere. Thanks for reading, and thanks in advance for your help.