unhappy with my husbands girlfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
unhappy with my husbands girlfriend
3
Sat, 09-27-2003 - 4:11am
im not really what discussion this should be under.my husband is 31 years old weve been married for 12 years he has this 23 year old supposed friend she calls him all the time one day for fiften minutes she called about 20 times i put this program on the computer that recorded pages you view, i didnt tell my husband, he was in a chat room she was there to, she was talking about playing with her self, he claims he wouldnt do that,he has talked to her and convinced her im nuts and tried to convince me of the same thing to. some of this stuff has happened over a year ago but it still stings and i still dont have the answers i need.about a year ago my husband sent me emails pretending to be a woman having a crush on me supposedly met me through my work well i kind felt some thing was a little fishy so i had this person send these emails to another box hoping he would mention it and give him self away but he caught on and never did, then i gave this supposed person my cell number (it has caller id)they never called, every email i sent wasnt anything sexual most of the time i was asking are you sure your not my husband because you sure do sound like him well before i get way off track well he had her typing the emails out for him because he misspells certian words that i only seen him misspell like okay(ok)and shure(sure)well my husband has went over to her house and put up he shades washed her dishes has the key to her appt,left a voice mail on his phone saying that she misses him that he needs to come spend the night,well when i asked her about that she said the she knows i go through his stuff that they do it to f*** with it..funny huh...:( she had animal control called on her well my husband lied to me and told me that animal control told him that he was responsible for her dog because he waterd the dog a few time and put up the pen for the dog well i called animal control and checked it out the lady who handled the case said that that was not true and that she never told him that.my husband recently got a new phone guess who got the new number..he lied to me and told me she didnt have it any time i sent her an email asking why is she chasing after amarried man and telling her why dont you just go a way so instead of facing it she calls my husband and bitches at him then he bitches at me his favorite name for me is fat fu***** cow well when she was calling repeatedly i sent her a text message from my phone she told me to f*** off i of course responded not so nice either then she called me and said this is about my dog you fat cow this is about moving my dog.i tell my husband that she might have more than just friendship on the mind so how many of you discuss your bi sexuality with a man,or brag about going out to diner with him and his kids while the wifes at work and she didnt have to pay this woman condoned my husband telling my kids its ok to lie to me about that..she said it was suppose to spare me some pain..thats all ive ever had was pain since she appeared in our lives.my husband seems to do alot of lying where it concerns her i tried to tell her whats being said about her but that back fired on me...she was discussing him with his dentist without his concent well he got mad at her about talking about him well he talks about her all the time and its not nice either..
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 10:17pm

Samiam,


I'm not quite sure what you're looking for, on this board, and I don't know if we can provide it. I do have a couple of other boards that I want to direct you to, that might be able to help you more.


This does not mean you can't post here, I just feel that you might need more help than I or others on this board, are qualified to give. I don't think anyone deserves the type of mental and verbal abuse you described.


Why don't you give these a try? I also want to offer you a hug, sounds like things are not well in your marriage, and these issues need to be addressed. I truly hope you can find the help you want with one of these boards. Good luck to you, and please, feel free to keep us posted, ok?


Problem solving for couples:


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcouplescou


Toxic relationships:


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rltoxicrelat


Mending Broken Hearts:


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlmendingbro


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 1:46pm
Print out everything you find on the computer i.e.-his chats with her, record all the times he spends on the phone with her (copy the phone bill!), comb the credit card bills and copy all unexplained expenditures, and hire either a detective or a lawyer. Period.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 3:21pm
I agree with the other poster that the people in this board may not eb able to give you the best advice.... but I'll give my two cents worth....

First, you need to decide if you want him still.... If you do then you must tread carefully - you don't want to lose him by making him feel attacked. If you do not want him then simply tell him your situation and how you feel - and that you no longer wish to be a part of this abusive situation (it IS abuse - even if not physical). You can file for a divorce or just a legal seperation - depending on your specific situation...

If you DO want to keep him then you must be completely honest with yourself AND him. First off, don't go to HER - she's just acting naturally to the situation HE has put her in - HE is the one at fault and HE is the one you need to communicate with. Explain how you feel about the situation - whether or not there is anything sexual going on is besides the point - he is no longer fulfilling YOUR emotional needs. Tell him that you feel uncomfortable with the amount of time and energy he spends with her - because you want him to invest that time in YOU and your relationship. He will need to decide what HE wants. It's very possible that he wishes to be with her, or at least not with you. But it's also very possible that he wants to work on your relationship and be with you. Try to talk to him in a non-threatening way and simply explain WHY you feel the way you do - don't SHOW your feelings. I'm not saying hide your emotions or anything, but if you feel angry don't give your anger free reign during this conversation. Try to be straightforward and honest - don't allow yourself to be ruled by your emotions. Instead try to look at the situation objectively and find a path that's comfortable for BOTH of you.

I would advise a professional psychologist or counselor, AND I would advise that the 'girl' be COMPLETELY out of his life. He should not want to do something that hurts you so much - even if he doesn't understand why it hurts you. But these are things that your counselor will help you guys decide and work through...

I Hope This Helps!

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J.No