Why don't people back off???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2007
Why don't people back off???
3
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 10:21pm

Let me first just start off by saying I am aware that I am a sensitive person.  When I want something, I want it bad and I want it now.  I have been with my boyfriend for close to 2 years now, and I truly love him.  We have talked about our future together and have decided that I will move into his place next May / June and sell my home to my sister.  He is aware that I will not do this unless we are engaged to be married. 

The problem I have is I feel as if he drags his feet and will wait until the end of April to propose.  He is very relaxed while I am a planner.  I map every detail of my life out (not saying that's right but it's what I do). It has been weighing heavily on my heart that even though he tells me he's ready maybe he's not.  On top of this I am constantly getting asked why I'm not engaged by now.  I have a sister who is 10 years younger than me and is set to get married.  I am not competing with her, I just want this for my own life.  I feel as if my clock is ticking and my time to have children is fading away.  So with all of that on my mind it's hard, but when I have to hear the constant comments it breaks my heart.  I know I should have a tougher skin but  I don't. 

I know I am one of many women in this world who are either dealing with or have dealt with this.  How do you deal with the people asking and the relaxed boyfriend?  Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Mon, 08-13-2012 - 7:13pm
Well it sounds like things are in fact going in the right directions. A missed month of salary and grieving the loss of his uncle are probably definitely distracting him from the plans you two have made. Also he very clearly told you that he wants to surprise you with the when, where, and how. That's guyspeak for stop nagging lol. The best piece of advice I can offer is when you want to talk about it come here and vent to all of us. Do not complain to him or people that you both know or things could very quickly go in the opposite direction.

I think keeping your house in your family is great considering what it means to you. Although....I'd still wait until after the wedding to make any sales official, but that's just me. Or maybe you and your sister could co-own it. Or wait a minute....when you and your bf get married there isn't the slightest possibility that the two of you might want to move into the house, not even in your golden years when you want less maintenance and it's paid off?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2007
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 9:53pm

I used to get that oh your not dating anyone all the time and I guess this is the next nagging question. I tend to totally ignore people because I feel like giving them any reaction is what they want so I ignore it.  But I'm thinking that's probably not the best thing to do.

Funny you should ask if we talk about it.  We have and he says that's the plan so he doesn't want to keep talking about it because he wants it to be a suprise.  Unfortunately his uncle passed away after I posted my original message.  This was someone that he was close to and he's upset.  I told him that he knows I'm here for whatever he may need.  He asked me if I wanted to go to the funeral with him because even though I never met him or his aunt he feels I am his best friend, he loves me and I'm going to be his wife one day.  That kind of solidified it for me.  However I did not make the funeral due to my own family member being rushed to the hospital. 

I guess deep down I am just worried.  In the past I have been hurt like everyone else so it is hard for me to just go with the flow.  About 5 months ago my bf was hurt and missed 2 months of work  Work approved him for part of his leave but he missed about a month's salary so he had to dip into his savings.  I think that may be part of the problem. I'm just so afraid that it will never happen.  I don't want to force my wants and needs on to him.  I think sometimes it just gets to be so much because people tend to ask about the one thing I have always wanted in my life and until him I never believed it would happen. 

Also, about the house.. she is going to rent from me at first.  That also weighs on my mind.  I feel like i have done so much to my home and she was the only person I would feel comfortable renting / selling it to.  I don't have a big fancy home but it's mine and I have done a lot of work on it with my father so it holds value not only as an asset but I just felt so guilty sellling it to a stranger.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 2:48pm
Wow so the annoying people never quit? I have to deal with the "when are you gonna get a bf?" and I kinda thought when I got one the chatter would stop. Good grief! Anyway with people like this you could ignore them or you could shut them down with a bland comment such as "it'll be time when it is time." Repeating yourself like a broken record will eventually annoy them and they'll quit asking.

As for your bf....ummm have you two sat down and had a follow up chat to make sure you're still on the same page? Has something changed on his end that is stressing him out? Maybe he isn't ready or maybe it is jitters, but you won't know if you don't talk to him.

And as a side note, while it is totally none of my business....I think you should keep your house regardless of your plans to move in with him. You worked hard for it and who knows what will happen in the future, but you very well may need that asset. Perhaps your sister would be willing to rent it? If you keeping it threatens your bf then that should tell you something about him right off.
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