46- need feedback re: marriage of 22 yrs

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2007
46- need feedback re: marriage of 22 yrs
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 3:07pm

Hello~ I haven't been on Ivillage in years. Nice it is still here.

I am looking for all and any feedback. And I'm reaching out to my fellow 40'ers because I find it to be easier to be honest in my 40s and figured most of you do, too.

Been married to my 46 yo dh for 22 yrs. Played for 10 yrs before having kids. We now have 3 awesome daughters, ages 12, 9, 6. Dh and I are both LCSWs, working in same field.

He does not want sex. Not only sex but any form of intimacy- hugs, kisses, smacks on the ass. He has slept in a different room for almost 2 yrs, maybe longer. A huge reason for this (according to him) is his slow weight gain. He is at his heaviest (250?), hates his body, very self-conscious. He won't even sit at the pool with the girls (I now have a lovely tan :smileywink:)

He works out sporadically but not consistently. He does not appear "fat" to me. I love him. We used to have an incredible sex life. Active, creative, frequent, fun.

So, about a month ago I have a complete breakdown at home but I keep hiding in the bathroom so my girls don't see me crying. Goes on all day. I woke up totally frustrated with his lack of interest in me. When I went downstairs my 12 yr asked if I'd been crying. I said yes but I'm fine. Dh tells the girls that I'm overwhelmed by them with all their needs and to give me space. O M G. I was so pissed. I told dd that it was NOT them and asked her to leave the room so we could talk.

I told dh it was him/us that had me in tears. He listened. He said yes, I deserve intimacy. He said he loves me. But than he says he doesn't need intimacy and "could you live with that?"  I was stunned. I can't believe that he's not willing to meet in the middle or even, 1/4 of the way? I said I don't know.

We haven't mentioned this since. I know I'm growing distant from him. We're roommates. I don't know what to do. My girls would be devastated if we separate.

And than last night my 12 yo asked me if dh and i still love each other! She's so observant and sensitive. Asked her what makes her ask. She said," well, you guys don't tell each other and you don't kiss or hug." I almost cried. I just said sure we do.

Ok, if you're still with me, thanks for allowing my long rant.


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Avatar for guili12737
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-1997
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 6:15pm
I'm so sorry to hear this. If you guys are both LCSW then you know what I am going to say next. You should really consider therapy. I think you need a 3rd party to really get to the bottom of this.
I know how hard weight issues can be. My dh is over 300 lbs and has gained over 100 lbs since we've been together. It's been a source of tension between us for years.
Good luck. I hope you find some help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2007
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 7:11pm
Thx Guili- I'm open to therapy. Dh? Nope. He doesn't want to look at himself. He's carrying a lot of pain but just won't face them. I've supported him thru a lot. Starting to exhaust me.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2007
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 7:16pm
My first thought was counseling as well. I guess if you've given him a bit of time since his first nope than I'd go over this again. Not a fight, just will you consider this - think about it - give it an honest look over before just saying no.

I wish you the best!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2007
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 9:31pm
Thanks Kristie- I plan on doing that. This is so difficult. We've had such a close relationship until a few yrs ago. I don't want it to end. I am fearful of my brain lingering on that as an option.

I am caught on what is doing right for kids vs what I am sacrificing and/or tolerating. P
GAH! Toughest time of my marriage.
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Avatar for vegiemama
Community Leader
Registered: 01-06-2000
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 6:05pm

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  My dh is heavy...and also older than me...so it has affected our sex life as well.  However, we are still openly affectionate outside the bedroom.  I hope you can get your dh to agree to talk...and counseling.  Also, maybe he should see his doctor...it sounds to me like he's depressed.  That certainly can drove a guy into his man cave and make him withdraw.

Homeschooling mom to DD15 & DS11

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Avatar for guili12737
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-1997
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 10:23am
LCSW= licensed clinical social worker. Many LCSW work as private therapists, even though a lot of people probably think of them as working in hospitals, schools and social service agencies.
Avatar for nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-1999
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 4:08pm

Hi cynth, how are things going now?

What is best for the children is the question you had asked of yourself.  All I can tell you is that children are perceptive and they deserve a happy, healthy home.  They need to they are loved and wanted in this life.  Children survive divorce all the time.  Yes it hurts for a while but the pain lessons over time and if they are kept in the loop and they understand both sides they usually make it through without much trouble.  You are trained and you know what to do to help them keep a healthy psyche. 

You need to consider what is best for you. 

I left my husband because he wouldn't go to therapy for anger issues.  My son who was a teenager in high school totally supported that move.  When the divorce papers arrived for him to sign he realized that I was not kidding.  He went to therapy and we got back to together.  We've been married 24 years, like you, it's a long time and it wasn't something I wanted to just throw away but I had to draw a line and do what was right for me.  That's what you need to do too. 


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