How do you start over in a new part of the country

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
How do you start over in a new part of the country
3
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 11:04am

 I am posting the details of my current situation but what I would like to hear is advice on how to move on and start a life in a new part of the country as a single woman in my forties

I need some outside perspective.

I have been involved with my current boyfriend or 3 years now/living together or 2 years.

I raised four children who are now all off and living away at college and am for the first time free to pursue my career.  I never made much money while my children were growing up but have recently gotten into a unique field where I can make double what I have made in the past.  This involves moving because my field is very specialized but the companies who employ my skills are out on the west coast and the companies that I am interviewing with are willing to pay for my move.  My boyfriend and I live in my home on the east coast. 

When we dated for the first 2 years I was going through all kinds of education and certification training and he was very supportive and he told me that if I got a high paying job that he would move with me, quit his job and work at walmart/sears hardware etc until he found permanent employment.  Well I got that great job that I was looking for and I moved back in October 2011.  I was making enough money to support us both.   I lived across the continent for 3 months working at a great job and all he did was start hemming and hawing about moving.  He stayed living in my home back on the east coast.  He said he was looking for a job where I was working but did not find anything and he eventually talked me into quitting and moving back home. 

The house is paid for and he now points out to me that it is foolish to sell the house and move because it is affordable for him to pay the bills here.  Yet I cannot find a job here making more than 12 or 13 dollars per hour.  Nor do I have medical insurance.   Because I don’t have any health issues this is not normally a problem.  But I broke my foot a month and a half ago.  I only had enough money to go to a walk in clinic and get an xray when I really should have gone to the emergency room because my foot was twice the normal size and purple.  I now can’t even walk on it still and don’t have the money to go to an orthopeadic doctor.  So this now brings my lack of insurance to a brighter light as being a problem.  It is really pissing me off and makes me want to get a serious job.  My boyfriend tells me to go work at walmart and get benefits.  I think he has lost it.   He does not want to get married now because he says all I do is fight with him over this.  The argument is this, “Why did I move back here thinking we were going to get married and I would be covered under his medical insurance and now he says hold on and we should wait until we get along better before we get married  because I am pissed and fight with him over why I made the move back home and now don’t have medical insurance. “   It is probably wise not to get married  anyway because then he could just divorce me if I move and he would own half my home.

Don’t get me wrong.  I have really loved our relationship for the past 3 years.  He has been  the most supportive and well intended guy ever.   We were committed to eachother not out cheating or anything like that.   I have never met anyone like him.  He is so supportive of everything I want to do except now he does not want to move for my job.  And besides this issue we get along great.  I am a little obsessed with staying with my career track because I worked for 3 years after going to graduate school to get to this point. And I love my career.

I now realize that he does not think about what he says.  It is like talking to a dreamer.  He talks things “UP”  but does not back them up. 

 I did not like moving and living alone on the other side of the world.  I was very unhappy living with out my boyfriend for 3 months.  I think it would have been different if I had moved with the mind set that I was going to go out socially and date etc. but I did not do that I just sat around waiting for him to move and join me.  I am not a young socialite anymore.  I am in my forties and have raised four children.  I am not really in the mode to go and develop a wildly active social life.

I would like advice from someone who has moved later in life and started over socially and dating wise and in another part of the country or even another country.  How does someone do this?  Move and have no family and no relationship.   I am tired of hearing the comments like “It is a new and exciting chapter in your life”.  I am literally petrified of living alone but very excited about the career and even seeing another part of the country.   I am wondering if I can make the move far away and be happy if I do go out socially and join clubs group etc and meet people.    IF any one has experience with this please tell me how to do this successfully.

Constructive advice would be helpful.  I am not looking to bash the boyfriend .

Avatar for nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-1999
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 3:52pm

I'm sorry to hear that your boyfriend has chickened out of moving away with you. It is a hard decision to make and sometimes the reality of it doesn't hit until the time comes to make that jump. You already know how difficult it is to live in a city where you don't know anything about it. Doing it alone is very difficult but it isn't impossible. Many people do it. It is easier if you have a social network but that takes time to build. Work is one way. A Newcomers group is another way. There are also clubs like the Red Hat Club that can help you build social networks of friends.

I would have to say that you have to follow your heart. You know deep down inside what will make you happy. Maybe this guy is the one you are supposed to be with and maybe he isn't. He might have been what you needed for the time being. You were a caterpillar working away and now you have become a butterfly and butterflies fly.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 1:00am
I agree. I've only lived here in WA state. I'm from eastern WA (we are talking orchards, wheat ranches) but 24 yrs ago I moved with the xh & 3 dd's to Seattle (we are talking yuppies & liberals) talk about getting smacked between the eyes. But I'm still here, I've gone thru a very nasty divorce, death of my parents & grandmother. I've remarried, gotten a new career. So I say spread your wings & get out here to the west coast girl.
~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.