Advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2013
Advice please
Tue, 06-11-2013 - 1:06pm

I've been with my bf for over two years now, and things seem to be progressing towards marriage one day although neither of us are ready for that step just yet.  His longtime friend is getting married in the fall and that is where my dilemma comes in.  While I like his friend and his fiance, we do things as a couple occasionally, I'm not exactly really close to either of them.  My bf and his friend hang out a lot, but I never do things with the fiance.  We don't really have a lot in common, have very different interests and ideas on how we like to spend our time.  

They have asked my bf to be in the wedding party, which was no surprise.  To my shock though, they have asked me as well.  I feel like they are asking out of obligation to my bf, and not because I'm really good friends with the bride.  It just feels wrong to me, and honestly don't want to shell out the hundreds of dollars being in this wedding will require.    I'm trying to save up for a new car that I desperately need and feel a bit resentful that I'm going to have to spend it like this.   If this was a close gf of mine, I wouldn't hesitate.  

My bf got mad at me when I wasn't overly excited and I don't know how to explain it to him without causing hurt feelings.  Should I just suck it up, paste a smile on my face and go along with it for my bf's sake? 



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Tue, 06-11-2013 - 1:22pm

Actually, this sounds like a great opportunity for you to become closer to this woman.  For you to be looking at it like it was just an obligation actually tells me a lot about you.  Why haven't you extended yourself to become friends with her, especially if your bf is very good friends with her fiance?  Then again, if you really have no interest in becoming friends with her, you can always decline the invitation to be in the wedding regardless of how your bf feels. 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Tue, 06-11-2013 - 5:55pm

I think its going to be hard to get out of. You might be able to do it on the excuse that you cannot afford it IF it really is going to be very pricey. Do you know the maid of honor? She might be the person to ask about costs....if they know yet how much the bridesmaids dresses will cost, if there will be an expensive bachelorette party, what other obligations you might have. If its going to be really expensive then you could thank the bride for inviting you but say you have to decline. You might want to visit a Wedding planning forum (ivillage or elsewhere) to ask how brides would take such a request or any advice they could give you from the trenches. There's also the possibility that she will be very offended which will cause strain when the couples are supposed to hang out, or might even spill over to the relationship between the guys. You'll need to proceed carefully.

Even if the bride takes it gracefully, how your bf will take it is another story. If you think it will cause resentment with him then you should probably just go along with it...might your bf be able to help pay for some of the expenses? He probably has no idea of the costs of being a bridesmaid. If you detail them, and then ask him to help figure out how you can afford the wedding while saving for a car, he might understand your dilemma.

Is it possible that she didn't invite you out of obligation, but instead as a way to try to make more of a bond? Would it change the way you feel if she did it as a way to become closer to you?

FWIW, I do understand how you're not automatically good friends with the bride to don't always hit it off with your SO's friends or friends SO's, and never become more than acquaintances who tolerate being together because of your SO. Hopefully you and she will become better friends over time. Best of luck with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2013
Fri, 06-14-2013 - 2:16pm
What does that tell you about me? Just curious. You aren't going to be close friends with everyone you meet. As I said, if this was a close friend I wouldn't hesitate to spend the money and be in the wedding. I just don't want to do it if they feel obligated to include me. I have tried to be friends with her, we are just very different. When we are out as couples it's fine, but the guys are there to keep the conversation going. It's not like I haven't made any effort. We are just totally different, she's more earthy, granola like, artsy, while I'm more of a career oriented city girl. You really liked to make a lot of false conclusions from what little I wrote!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2013
Fri, 06-14-2013 - 2:20pm
You made a very good point that maybe it's a way to make a better bond between us all, so I'm going to take it at that. I'm also going to do what you suggested and list out all the cost for my boyfriend and ask if he can help with any of it. I think he'll understand then why I was so hesitant. I wish I thought of trying to explain that beforehand. I just was caught so off guard, it took me by surprise. Thanks for your advice!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2013
Thu, 08-29-2013 - 1:57pm

Hold on there just a minute. You dont have to go to this bridesmaid party if you don't want to, even if you COULD afford it. There are FAR more important things to spend your money on. Also, there is nothing wrong with you just because you're not close to this girl. As you said, not everyone gets along, that's life. Really highly disagree with the comments made so far.

Don't be a sheep, concerned with keeping up appearances (by wasting your money and going to the party) and pretending to get along. You've onIy got one life, and it is your life, your time, your hard earned money. Weddings are a disgusting and ridiculous waste of money anyway, IMHO, why on earth anyone would waste their cash (which = effort, work, time you have put into you life) going to a someone else's wedding, not least someone they're not even close to, is utterly beyond me. 

Avatar for StephanieOC
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2013
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 4:31pm
Good points made here but remember that relationships are about 2 people with different viewpoints. A successful relationship usually takes hard work and understanding. Most men don't realize all of the costs in being a bridesmaid so if you explain these to your bf, hopefully he will understand your point of view. If not, at least he may offer to help with the cost. Good luck and I hope you are able to work it out :)