Are ANY men trustworthy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011
Are ANY men trustworthy?
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 12:11am

I am a 22 year old female, and I have become very self-reflective in the past few years. One of the conclusions about myself that I have reached is that I am highly distrustful of men. A little background info on me: my biological dad is 13 years older than my mom, and my mom was only 15 when they started dating. She was 17 when she got pregnant with me. He left her a few months after my birth. The only time he has bothered to contact me was once when I was 8 years old. Otherwise, it’s like I was never even born. I am completely cut off from his side of the family. It’s like I am not recognized. I guess I should mention that my mom was “the other woman” – he was married when she got pregnant with me. Rumor has it she wasn’t the only one – supposedly he has 1 or 2 other illegitimate kids out in the world. Basically, my own biological father has shunned me – it’s like I don’t even have a dad. At age 9 I got a step-dad, who is still my step-dad today. Although I respect him as an authority figure, I do not view him as a father. Even though he has been in my life since I was 9, he has always been cold, distant, and emotionally abusive. He has shown resentment a countless amount of times. Maybe because I’m not his biological daughter, he hasn’t treated me like it … of course, I have not treated him like a father either. Even today, we talk only a few times a year, and usually when I visit him and my mom and my brothers, he is usually distant. So, no biological father who gives a sh*t about me, and my step-dad doesn’t give a sh*t about me either. Just awesome, it feels great to feel rejected by paternal figures.
Flash back to high school – had one boyfriend for six months – he dumped me and never told me why. I always wondered why. Flash back to first few years of college – had another boyfriend, we broke up, ugly breakup. For 2 years we had an on/off thing, where I would always get my hopes up about him only to be let down – I let him play games with me, he two-timed me, he passed me over to have relationships with other girls. Basically, I was never good enough for him to get back with me.
I’ve tried to find that *one* guy that will make me trust him, I have tried to pursue things with guys, only to literally be rejected. Seems like I am never good enough for anyone, at least not for a relationship
I have reached the point where I don’t think I will find anyone …. And even if I do find someone, I will not be able to trust him because of my experienced in my life with men. Then there’s that whole issue of intimacy – forget about it. I’m a virgin and I can’t picture myself losing that V card anytime soon. What guy out there is trustworthy enough? Seems like all they want is sex, and once they realize I’m not going to give it up easily, they will leave.
When I fantasize about sex, I imagine that I’m a different girl. If I picture myself in my fantasies, I feel uncomfortable. Guess I forgot to mention that I have body hang-up’s too.

Sigh. What is a girl to do? Does anybody have any insight? Am I just assigning blame to my crappy experiences – should a person really define themselves by such experiences? Am I just giving excuses for not being the confident woman that I wish I was? Should I see a therapist? Get over it? Idk what to do anymore. Sometimes I’ll just think and think and start to cry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 11:48am

22 years old is very young to give up on the rest of your life in terms of finding a good man who you love.

However, I understand your point very well. Based on your past, you have some very good reasons to doubt the integrity of men. You haven't been shown a lot of good by the males in your life. Yes there are some wonderful men in the world, but because of the past you've had with father figures, you are predisposed (ask any mental health professional) to find men who emulate the men who have not treated you well.

I don't want this to sound like a cop-out answer but you're 22, dealing with more than most people your age, and I really think you need to talk to a therapist. You need more insight than I can give you in one reply through text. I don't think you're sick or wrong or anything, I just think you have a lot that you need to figure out and I don't want it to become too overwhelming for you. This kind of thing is why therapy was designed...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2009
Fri, 02-25-2011 - 1:26pm
Welcome to the board! I'm sorry that you're having problems trusting men. I agree with undercovercrab. Have you ever considered counseling? You might feel better after speaking with someone about this history. There are good guys out there, and I hope you won't let a few bad examples ruin you opinion of all of them.