Colleague coming on to me - help!

Avatar for naemi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Colleague coming on to me - help!
5
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 1:24am
Allright, I'll be the first one to post on this new hideous board.

My problem is this: a male colleague of mine seems to have a crush on me. We've known each other since September last year and have a great time together. We have the same sense of humour and do the same kind of job, so we always have a lot to talk about. Lately (the past few months at least) he's been hinting at the state of his relationship which is apparently not good. He told me last week he's engaged, but complains more about his fiancée than you'd expect. He also gives me compliments, calls me gorgeous and sweetie, has asked me to have a "nice cozy dinner" with him, asks me to go for walks with him and have a coffee with him, and just yesterday he let it slip that he'd been thinking about me all day and that it wasn't "all that appropriate". And to top it all off he said "You can have everything, and yet miss everything", basically saying between the lines that he has everything with his fiancée and yet wants me. What do I do? The last thing I want is to get all tangled up in some relationship drama at work. I've tried to joke his comments off until now, but it's starting to get uncomfortable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 12:04pm
Two words- harassment lawsuit. And if that fails tell the fiancee. She should know what she might potentially be getting herself into.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 11:19am
I think you should one be VERY offended that he thinks that despite you knowing that he's in a relationship that you would go ahead and do dirt with him, I guess he feels your only worth playing 2nd fiddle and for that honey, be very PISSED. If it was me, I wouldnt ever be flattered by him saying those things.

Firstly, where you might have "misled" him a bit was by laughing things off with him, but you do have time to change it around..Be very serious with him and tell him that: you arent interested in him other than as a colleague/colleague basis, you dont think his fiancee would appreciate the way he is so blatantly coming on to you, YOU dont appreciate the fact that he is coming on to you and for him to please stop while he's ahead because what he's doing is SEXUAL HARASSMENT and he could lose his job for it.

Dont mince words with him. Be very clear and to the point..Any beating around the bush will only encourage his snakey slimy behavior.

God, some people are just LOW TO THE GROUND - snakes.

Alisha

Avatar for klirpy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 8:42am
Yeah, deinitely going to take a while to get used to the new board. Anyway, on to your problem...

I agree with the others, you're going to have to just come out and tell him. He's not getting the hints, and someone needs to tell him what a creep he's being. If nothing else, you could just say "Sorry, I don't date anyone who treats their FI with as little respect as you show yours". Straight and to the point, plus it won't make him think that the only issue is that he's attached. If you just say "I'm not getting involved with an engaged man" he may think that if he dumps his FI, he'll have a chance with you (I'm judging by the tone of your letter that you wouldn't want that). Anyway, good luck. I know it can be hard to come straight out and say something that's probably going to be perceived as harsh, but let's face it, someone needs to give this guy a clue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 8:14am
Hi-

I'm not sure how I feel about the new set up just yet either....

I would suggest you tell this guy exactly what you told us. "The last thing I want is to get all tangled up in some relationship drama at work." Maybe a little bit nicer than that- but let it be known that you think he's a nice guy and you appreciate his friendship, BUT you have no intentions of entering a relationship with a colleague. You could also say something along the lines of - it makes you feel uncomfortable when he flirts with you and you're sure he would agree that his fiancée deserves more respect than that. If he doesn't feel like a bit of a slime ball after that... I don't know what's up with him. Anyway- I think if you say that in a firm way, then go back to being his friend- it might be awkward for a bit... but eventually things will go back to being normal. Good luck! Let us know if you confront him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 8:09am
Sorry sweetie, it's time to get a little harsh. If it's starting to make you uncomfortable, you'll just have to tell this (engaged) man to move on... you and he will ONLY ever be friends and nothing more. Apparently, being subdued hasn't worked so far, so it's time to break out the heavy artillary and next time he makes one of those comments, make it a discussion about how you don't and never will feel that way. He's not your friend if he's got other feelings for you, so if you mess up something, you're only messing up this guys fantasy of having some sort of fling or relationship with you. Don't even feel guilty about it- he's being a jerk- to you, and his fiance. Best of luck!

Hadley

ps- I hate the new board too... but at least I have to other person's message right below while I type a response (no more memorization! woo hoo!)