Does the grass just appear to be greener

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2009
Does the grass just appear to be greener
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 1:14pm
Hi everyone,
I have the classic problem of being in a relationship but I having feelings for someone else. My boyfriend is an amazing guy. He is so sweet and thoughtful, and I never feel paranoid or anxious around him (which I have in past relationships). He totally understands me and lets me throw my hissy fits. He's responsible, nice to all of my friends and family. He's like everything that I have ever really wanted. His only negative aspects are that he worries a lot and tends to be a bit of a workaholic. However, I met someone in my program (I am getting my master's in elementary education). Him and I have bonded because we have a lot in common when it comes to movie/music taste and have a love for comics. We seem to have a strong attraction to each other. I think that I am attracted to him because we have both struggled through certain emotional problems and I tend to mistake my empathy/sympathy for romantic involvement. I hang out with him a lot and I am struggling to cut back on my time spent with him. We have become increasingly more flirtatious and I am not sure if he is into me or just a flirt. I just keep thinking about him.
I feel like my boyfriend is a better match for me, however, this other guy challenges me in some sort of way and I think I am attracted to this challenge. I am not sure if I am just interested in the chase and the attention or if something is wrong in my relationship. My boyfriend is the first guy to ever really treat me right ( I have been in pretty negative relationships in the past borderline abusive). I'm not sure if I am just repeating negative tendencies to gravitate towards men that may treat me in a negative way or something?
I don't want to break up with my current boyfriend because our relationship is pleasant and natural feeling but I can't stop thinking about this other guy. Has anyone ever gone through this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2009
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 3:43pm

Yep. BTDT! You have to decide what you want to do. If you want to see if there's anything with substance with this new guy, you have to let your current boyfriend go. If you don't, he will be devastated. I think if you decide to stay with your boyfriend, you need to step back from this new guy (JMO).

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 8:34am

I think that most people at some point in their lives are faced with this kind of dilemma. You are quite adamant that your boyfriend is a better match, so it seems there isn't much of a decision to make, but if you let anybody close enough, you will realize that even in a relationship it is still quite possible to feel chemistry with someone else. The challenge lies in not letting them get close enough to indulge that chemistry.

I do think that if you're committed to your boyfriend, you need to take a couple of steps away from this other guy and stop this bond from forming. Believe me, stopping it before it starts is easier than trying to sever it.

I think it's natural to be attracted to challenge and challenging people, especially when we are in comfortable relationships. That doesn't necessarily worry me about you. Perhaps you need to figure out how to add a little bit of challenge and mystery into your current relationship so that you're not gravitating toward what you're missing in someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2009
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 11:36am

Thank you for your advice. I made the decision to tell my guy friend that I have to be strictly his friend because things between us went a little too far. It was messing with my head and was also driving my boyfriend and me apart. I do agree that I have to add more mystery and challenge (positive ones that do not include other men) into my current relationship.

Thanks again <3

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2008
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 6:49pm

I've been in that situation on the tail-end of my 3 serious, long-term relationships (2 yrs, 4 yrs, 2 yrs), I think as women, we want to nourish what is stable and hold on to it because so much "work" was put in (emotions, love, sacrifices, promises etc) - but when we get to a point of questioning the "forever-ness" of it all, we get scared and almost sub-conciously look for a distraction - because if there are sparks with someone new, it must be worth exploring right? Not necessarily in my experiences... In fact, the distraction, or new sparks guy was often glorified in my mind purely because he was not my bf... it was a new and exciting and in some ways, a reason to entertain the idea of leaving, taking a break or having some space with your current bf. I would say go with your gut and be honest with yourself in any instance, and think about what makes you happy- cliche and confusing, as usual lol.

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