Does having a baby make or break a marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2012
Does having a baby make or break a marriage?
3
Sat, 01-21-2012 - 7:02pm

So I found this site online last night and decided it was a God-sent! I need somewhere I can vent, ask questions, and get a chance for "grown up talk."

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2009
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 2:45pm
Welcome to the board, and congratulations on your little one.

How long have you been living in Lafayette? I'm about an hour north. I think that's a great area.

After my son was born, things were pretty rough. DH and I really had to work at adjusting to live with a baby. I know what you mean about feeling like he never helps out. I felt the same way. What really helped was for me to specifically tell him the things I needed him to do. Otherwise, he was just guessing. Often, he would guess wrong, and that would irritate me. I heard the same thing about how he wishes he could trade places. I actually left him alone for an entire day with our son. I turned my phone off and went shopping and didn't come home until as late as possible. One day of having to be the point person was all it took. Sometimes, he still says things like that, and I have no problem leaving him alone with the kids (now two) for a day.

Have you made any friends locally yet? I know there are a lot of moms' groups out there. Having a weekly playdate can really help. I think it's important to make sure you take time for yourself. Even if it's just 20 minutes a day, it's time just for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2009
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 2:47pm
We also have a great board for Stay at Home Moms. Here's the link in case you'd like to visit: http://forums.ivillage.com/ivillage/?category.id=iv-ppsahm

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 01-27-2012 - 9:34am

HI z_york. You are very, very young to be married with a child. Now that makes little difference for a woman, but for a man, if he is anywhere near your age, he has a ton of growing up to do and contrary to what we would like to believe, having a baby does NOT automatically make a man suddenly grow up and mature the way it (often) does for us women.

Your husband has absolutely no clue how difficult it is to take care of a 5 month old baby alone. Maybe he should spend some one-on-one time with the baby while you're out for the day so he can come to an appreciation for the amount of work you do. Men often define their self-worth by how hard they work.

If you think having a 5 month old baby "should be the happiest time of our life" then I guess you are starting to realize how wrong that statement is. I don't have kids myself but most of my married-couples-with-babies friends are at one another's throats right now trying to navigate a marriage AND the responsibility of a new life that invariably affects the way a marriage itself functions. It's a wonderful time to be a parent but a baby is the biggest strain that a marriage can experience. Yes having a baby can make or break you... If you go into parenthood without a really solid ability to communicate with one another.

You both need to come to the understanding that you're now both doing two completely different, and equally important, jobs that need to be done in order to support the new family. Your youth has a lot to do with this. If you're going to survive as a married couple, you will have to appreciate, understand, and agree with the new roles that you each have as parents.

Can I ask a persona question? Did he really want to have a baby, or was this unplanned?