Friends with benefits

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2013
Friends with benefits
Wed, 12-18-2013 - 9:20pm

I was unhappily married for 7 1/2 years to a "man" who was emotionally and physically abusive towards me through out our entire marriage. Ok with that being said I found myself looking else where for affection. During our 5th year of marriage I met someone (for privacy purposes I'll call him "buddy"). I told him I was married, that I was only seeking out a friend nothing more. (My husband was  the only man I had ever been with sexually at that time) so surely I was sceptical and scared to initiate any sexual relations with someone new.  Fast forward about 6 months.... Buddy and I would text here and there and talked on the phone a few times... my husband continued his abusive ways ....some days were worst than others.  I was feeling fed up so I met up with Buddy... We had a couple drinks, and well, I finally gave in!  It was amazing! I never knew sex can feel soo good, he made me feel beautiful and wanted ...he put me on a feeling that I never had. You never forget something like that.  I knew that I wanted to see him again.  But I also felt guilty about it.  So I left Buddy alone for a while (a few months) and tried to work things out with my husband, but to no avail his actions towards me didn't change. So at this point me and Buddy started seeing each other more, I explained to him that I still didnt want anything serious with him ...that our relationship would be based on sex nothing more, you know friends with benefits type of relationship. He agreed. Shortly after that, my husband and I were no longer sleeping together (I lost interest). Im happy to say I finally got out of that horrible marriage. 

Well 4 years later ...Buddy and I continue to be friends with benefits.

I've always understood the terms of having a friend with benefits and the main rule is to NEVER catch feelings. Which I never did.  But I can't say the same for Buddy.  You see during one of our intimate encounters he insisted on "making love" to me... I said ok and went along with it... While we were doing the deed he said to me "I love you" ...I pretended I didn't hear him and kept going but then he said it again ...I looked at him, smiled and kept going... So he stops me and looks me in my eyes and says "Queen, I love you!" For the life of me I couldn't say it back to him.. I didn't want to hurt his feelings either.. So I just smiled at him and started kissing him ...I just couldn't say it back.. I couldn't! I can't say something like that to someone if I don't truly feel that way for that person. He left it alone. I didn't want that to affect what we had and I didn't think he did either. So we agreed to meet back up soon as we usually do.  But shortly after that night, I tried meeting back up with him and he just didn't seem interested.  So we stopped talking for almost a year.  I finally tried reaching back out to him... And he was all for seeing me again. So we haven't stopped seeing each other since, BUT every time we hook up he still tries to tell me he loves me or he'll say it under his breath but I refuse to acknowledge it.  I just think "love" is what complicates things, which is the last thing I want because it could all be so simple if we kept our emotions aside. We just can't be together, it'll never work! We're a lot alike, which isn't a good thing. Its more than that though. It's just something I don't want with him. All I want is to have A relationship with him not to be IN a relationship with him. If that makes any sense. And I've always pretty much told him that. 

Ok well as of recently (last month) he told me he wanted to get me pregnant!! Total loss for words!! That completely caught me off guard. I haven't spoken to him since and quit frankly I don't think I am going to see him anytime soon or if ever again. Having a child is such a permanent decision, and I just think to myself why would he want that with me? I don't understand it. 

So my questions are: Why do you think he would want to get me pregnant if we are not completely involved with each other?

How long is too long to have a relationship with a friend with benefits?  

Am I wrong for continuing the relationship even after he said he loves me, knowing I don't feel the same? 

Questions and comments are welcome and appreciated 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Thu, 12-19-2013 - 1:53am

I think he wants to get you pregnant because he hopes that would make you want to be a couple and a little family with him.

I don't think there is a set length of time that is right for FWB, it works as long as both people are comfortable with the arrangement.

Are you "wrong" to continue it? Personally, I think the time to end it would have been when you first realized that he cared for you as more than a friend, and that you couldn't reciprocate the feeling. Continuing the arrangement kind of gives him hope that eventually you'll fall in love with him. It sounds like you don't have any interest in being in love again for a very long time (which is understandable after your bad marriage) so it would be much kinder to cut him loose. I believe this for any kind of dating relationship, if the two people are not looking for the same thing its better to break it off so you can each find somebody who does want what you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2013
Wed, 01-29-2014 - 2:27am
It is very obvious that he is hopelessly and madly in love with you. This always happens when a friend with benefits situation continues for long, one or both of the partners ultimately end up falling in love. Physical intimacy is the ultimate expression of love and attachment grows with such a relationship. You have managed to keep yourself detached forcefully probably because of a bad relationship. But I think your being in a relationship with him for long will be painful for him, as he will continue to suffer more and more because of your detachment.