Generosity seems to be a missing gene

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2010
Generosity seems to be a missing gene
4
Mon, 10-11-2010 - 7:06pm

Hello Ladies!

I have been battling with this since saturday, doing research and trying to figure out if im "normal" (for lack of a better word) in my way of thinking.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. During those seven months we have broken up once, because I felt at three months he got "comfortable" and stopped trying to woo me (at month one) didn't take me out to dinner, stopped excercising...taking care of himself. I am an established female with a good job and I take care of myself, and this is something that I need to have in a relattionship, and it should be no surprise to him since I laid my cards out on the table in the begining before we became serious. And might I add, he did work out ALL the time according to him before he met me.

Anyway, we got back together, we knew where he had gone wrong. He knew that he stopped all the cutesy stuff MONTH ONE of the relationship...he tried and tried, wrote me love letters...three weeks later we decided to make things work again, here I am month seven and its like month three all over again.

I don't ask for things, I buy things for myself. I don't expect him to come home with lavish gifts, but I DO expect dinners and atleast an effort to go out. Everything we do is because of me and my plans, if it was up to him we would NEVER do anything, except rent movies and stay home, i am 11 years younger then him so maybe I have more energy but once again, I laid my cards on the table in the beggining.

On Saturday was the straw the boke the camel's back. We had spoken about staying at the hotel for my BFF's bday, we spoke about money...etc. Come Sunday morning checking out, he is behind me, my bff and me are paying for the rooom he did not offer ONE penny not ONE...we had partied the night before at a dance club paid a bottle for all to drink, once again NOT one PENNY! I probably would have told him not to worry, but the point that he didn;t offer and basically mooshed off of everyone else that did BOTHERS me, since HE is a reprensentation of me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 10-12-2010 - 12:31pm

I don't think you're a gold digger. But I think you have requirements that he can't meet. It sounds like he's just not the right guy for you. That's ok. Simply knowing what's wrong doesn't automatically make it fixable. He may have gotten comfortable really early on in the relationship but eventually, EVERYONE gets comfortable, and the person they are when they're comfortable is who you're going to have to live with ultimately. So if you don't love the "comfortable" version of him then you're with the wrong person.

I have had this problem several times with different men in different ways. It always just meant we were incompatible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2010
Wed, 10-13-2010 - 9:25pm
  • Thank you so much for your response...is it too shallow to make money and generosity a deal braker?
  • iVillage Member
    Registered: 05-18-2009
    Thu, 10-14-2010 - 1:32pm

    I think a person who is generous in nature shows it in ways other than money. So if generosity is important to you, and you're with a person who is very stingy with his money, he's probably just not the guy you're looking for. I had a boyfriend like that, who never spent any money, and he was also very stingy with affection and kindness. He would be a real pain in the arse if I ever needed him to go out of his way for me. If your guy isn't really hurting financially I do think it's a bad sign that he can't even pay for dinner or drinks.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-18-2007
    Fri, 10-15-2010 - 9:21pm

    The fact that you've only been with this guy for less than a year and he's so "disinterested" in wooing you speaks volumes..

    "cheapness" in a guy is such an unattractive trait. It's not that you have standards or expect the better things in life, but this guy is on a free ride..when it comes to