He's a decade older than me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2012
He's a decade older than me!
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 1:09am

I find it somewhat ironic that in my quest for advice after four years, therapy, self-exploration, etc...I choose the internet for answers. I know that only I have the last word at the end but I’m having trouble getting to the end of the day lol.

On the surface he’s a man, that’s 11 years older than me, I am 24, and he has four children ages 3-8, lives in his parents’ basement, no college education and no job. Hasn’t worked a steady job in seven years, and seems to not be as bothered by this as much as then average person would be. So that brings me to the point that so many romantic comedies and romance novels that I've read in the past have brain washed me into believe in "true love". Your probably saying "girl, why are you with him?" I’m 24, no kids, senior in college, living at home as well and ummm well, now I have no job :).....BUT IM 24 with no children, in school, there’s a lot of room for error! Anyway, after being with this man for four years, embedding the roots of our relationship deep deep into my family tree (my family is very much used to him) and being with him exclusively it’s hard to leave. If I need it, it’s done. If I want it, and it’s within his reach, its mine. What I say goes. I’m the queen on the throne. It’s my world. I’m the most beautiful creature in the world etc. etc. This is him 365, for the past 3 1/2 years. Yes there has been lies and deceit, but does "true love" give a woman a reason to settle?



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2010
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 7:33pm

Don't settle!  If this guy truly cares for you as much as you write, then he should be willing to step up and be a responsible partner and father.  You say he does what you ask and gives you what you want...have you told him you want him to get a job and work towards getting his own place?  If you both truly love each other, then you should be able to work together to help him improve his lifestyle.  See if he is willing to work on his resume, offer to help him look at job ads, etc.  If he isn't willing to change, then I think you need to consider what YOU want in the long term.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 11:06pm

Wow where to start.

He is 35 and a father of 4 without a job? Who is helping support his kids? Will you be the one to help support them if you get married? What kind of father will he be if you two have kids?

Some serious issues here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 1:59pm

At 24, it's very easy to get carried away on the wind of "true love", which I do whole-heartedly believe in, btw. At this point, it doesn't really matter much to you if he's responsible and financially stable because you have your parents to depend on until you finish your schooling and are able to support yourself. In the mean time, this man caters to your whims (the ones that don't cost any money) and boosts your ego. So, right now, it's very easy to say, "I know he's a 34 year old, single and consistently unemployed father who lives in his parents' basement, but we're in love"! HOWEVER, I have a pretty strong feeling that you'll be singing a different song when YOU'RE 34 and considering marriage and motherhood. Unless of course, you're comfortable being the bread winner, supporting him and your children, paying all of the bills by yourself - I hope you're pursuing a degree in Multi-Millionaire Entreprenuer, lol, or you at least land a position with a company that offers paid maternity leave. These are the things you'll find yourself considering as you get older and wiser and start wanting more out of life than someone who changes all the lightbulbs and tells you you're beautiful. But if you're enjoying it now, then go with it. Afterall, you ARE only 24 and you have your whole life ahead of you. Good luck!

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 3:29pm

  I advise never ever marrying him.  He is liable for huge debts and you might get caught up in this too.  plus you will be moving on to your career.  As a "safe" lover thru your college years he fulfilled that role but in the real world he is a liability.  Love is a nice emotion but it does not pay the bills.