I don't know what I want ...
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I don't know what I want ...
| Fri, 11-25-2011 - 12:10am |
A little background: I am recently divorced from a man I was with since I was 16; I'm 26 now. We have been separated over a year, and the divorce was final a few months ago. My ex-husband and I have three beautiful girls together (8, 3, and 20 months) and he has an older daughter who has known me for the last 10 years. Our marriage ended because he did something I so strongly disapproved of that I just couldn't look at him the same; I still can't, but I also acknowledge that I still have feelings for him. I so desperately want to go back to life as it used to be.
Shortly after separating from my ex-husband, I met a man who basically became a very good friend. We dated on and off, and although he professed his undying love, I wavered back and forth.
I usually take an anti-depressant daily, but I haven't been on it for a couple weeks now, and I think it has a significant impact on my feelings for this guy. Is it just the meds? True feelings? I am not sure. I'm so confused and frustrated.
One minute I think I'm in love with him, then I can't stand him the next; every little thing he does irritates me -- and that is how it has been the last couple weeks. We are different in so many ways: cleanliness, parenting, energy level, and numerous other things.
It seems like the obviousthe thing to do would be to end the relationship, but while I was in my 'I live him' phase, we began the process of me moving in with him. I still have the majority of my stuff I have storage, not at his house, and when he talks about moving the rest of my stuff in, I hesitate. Badly.
I'm so tired of this rollercoaster. One day I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet, and the next day I look at him with disgust. I feel the urge to run back to my ex-husband, but is he just my safety net, so to speak?
When I picture my future, and I don't mean for this to come across as rude or narcissistic, but I imagine myself with someone more physically attractive; someone who cares about the way he looks, whether it be shaving daily, hair cuts, clean clothes, nice clothes, whatever; someone more intelligent; someone who feels and acts like my equal, not insecure and clingy.
*sigh* I guess this is more of a venting session, really. Any and all advice, as brutal and/or honest as it may be, is always appreciated.
Confused ... Indecent_Afterglow
Shortly after separating from my ex-husband, I met a man who basically became a very good friend. We dated on and off, and although he professed his undying love, I wavered back and forth.
I usually take an anti-depressant daily, but I haven't been on it for a couple weeks now, and I think it has a significant impact on my feelings for this guy. Is it just the meds? True feelings? I am not sure. I'm so confused and frustrated.
One minute I think I'm in love with him, then I can't stand him the next; every little thing he does irritates me -- and that is how it has been the last couple weeks. We are different in so many ways: cleanliness, parenting, energy level, and numerous other things.
It seems like the obviousthe thing to do would be to end the relationship, but while I was in my 'I live him' phase, we began the process of me moving in with him. I still have the majority of my stuff I have storage, not at his house, and when he talks about moving the rest of my stuff in, I hesitate. Badly.
I'm so tired of this rollercoaster. One day I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet, and the next day I look at him with disgust. I feel the urge to run back to my ex-husband, but is he just my safety net, so to speak?
When I picture my future, and I don't mean for this to come across as rude or narcissistic, but I imagine myself with someone more physically attractive; someone who cares about the way he looks, whether it be shaving daily, hair cuts, clean clothes, nice clothes, whatever; someone more intelligent; someone who feels and acts like my equal, not insecure and clingy.
*sigh* I guess this is more of a venting session, really. Any and all advice, as brutal and/or honest as it may be, is always appreciated.
Confused ... Indecent_Afterglow
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I think you could really benefit from spending some time being single. It sounds like you jumped into this relationship before you'd even divorced your husband and have been with him ever since. Yes, running back to your ex husband would just be a safety net - you don't know how to be single, you never have been in your entire adult life since you'd be with your ex husband since you were 16! It time for you to take some "me" time and stop defining yourself by the men you're with - you say "when I picture my future" and then go on to describe the guy you picture yourself with. Maybe you should be thinking "when I picture my future, this is how I picture MYSELF to be".
That said, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone who practises basic hygiene and makes their appearance presentable. Neither is there anything wrong with wanting your partner to be your intellectual equal. And I certainly don't blame you for wanting to be with someone who is not insecure and clingy. That's one of my major turn offs.
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