I need adivce...please don't attack me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2010
I need adivce...please don't attack me!
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 10:21am
I have been in a relationship for almost two years with an amazing guy. He's smart, funny, good-looking, and would do anything for me. He's going to have a steady job out of college and we've already decided to move in once he's graduated. I want to make a life with him which I know sounds ridiculous since I'm only 20, but I plan on spending a very long time with him (maybe forever!) Here's my dilemma...
Before my boyfriend and I began dating, I met one of my best friends at college. He was in a relationship, but I never saw him as a potential boyfriend. He was on his way out of school when I was just starting. We talked all the time about music, movies, life in general. We were content with our relationships until my friend told me he loved me. WHY?! All of a sudden I became very confused. He would tell me how beautiful I was and that I was the most precious thing in his life, etc. Imagine all the things the good guy in a movie would say to the girl of his dreams...that's what I hear, but not from my boyfriend. He's earned the complete hatred from my boyfriend, but he trusts me and lets me still talk to him. My friend has told me that he just wants me to be happy and he'll do anything to make that happen even if it means he's just a friend. I asked him to say something in Spanish one day because I'd never heard him speak it, but he didn't know that I could understand him. He said he loved me and that he wants me to leave my boyfriend and marry him to be with him forever....I responded with "verdad?" meaning really? And he was completely embarrassed that I knew what he said. I have just realized I'm falling in love with someone else...I cheated on my boyfriend for the first time yesterday and what's worse is...I don't feel consumed with guilt like I thought I would. I don't want to break up with my boyfriend! I just wish someone would tell me who would be better for me!
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 4:42am
"I just wish someone would tell me who would be better for me!"

No one can tell you that, it's something only you can know. You're going to have to do some soul searching.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 11:56am

Sorry. I hate to say it but I've been where you are before.

If you love your boyfriend and want to be with him, you will cut all ties with your friend. If you've cheated already (physically), then it's very clear you're not happy enough to stay with him. I agree you have some soul-searching to do but I think you have to do what your heart tells you. And cheating, hurting your boyfriend's feelings isn't going to make anything easier. It's going to make it worse.

Decide right now that you aren't going to go any further with this "friend" until you leave your boyfriend. Like the song says, "you can't always get what you want". You can't have your boyfriend and pursue your friend on the side. Be an adult and make an adult decision. Sometimes adult decisions mean taking a risk - It's impossible to know which guy would be better for you 10 years in the future. Very probably, it's neither one. So who makes you happier now?

Edited 8/2/2010 11:58 am ET by undercovercrab
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2008
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 5:22pm

Can't have both. If you're committed to your boyfriend and you really want to make the relationship work, you'll cut all ties with your friend and focus on your current relationship. Your other option is breaking up with your boyfriend, and taking time to explore the new feelings you have for your friend.

A word of caution;
My own friend was in a similar position to you, and she chose option B. Two months into a relationship with her friend, she realised the attraction was fading fast and it had been more the fact that he was 'romancing' her where her boyfriend hadn't been for a while. In reality, the attention was what she liked more than the actual guy. She wanted her old boyfriend back, and the life she'd been planning with him. However, the old boyfriend was not going to be sucked back into a relationship with someone who had dumped him for a friend and then decided she'd changed her mind again. So now she's not with either of them, and regrets her decision.

I'm not saying this will happen to you. I'm just pointing out that sometimes it's the attention you like, not the person. If you feel you might be confusing lust with love, or that you're just craving the attention you get off the friend, then do yourself a favour and cut the guy out until you have a better handle on exactly what the feelings are.

Then again, 20 is pretty young to be making a lifetime commitment to a guy. So even if you do break up with your boyfriend, and things with the friend don't work out, it's not like you'll spend your life alone and sad. There are plenty of unexplored opportunities out there for you. And now is the time to make a mistake, not five years down the line when you're married to the guy and have a mortgage to pay off, and you realise you still aren't fulfilled.

Good luck with the decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2010
Sun, 08-08-2010 - 5:54pm
You are the only one that can tell you what to do. You need to figure out who you want to be with and then do it. Take care of yourself during this to! Make a pro con list on both and most of all follow you gut. Do what feels right! If it is time to move on then move on. Trust you and you will make the right decision!
Ruth Bailey www.gethimtolikeyou.com www.personalquestcoaching.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 12:37am

What I think, since he's basically going to graduate soon all he's looking for is a piece of behind. Why not? He's shown you that he wants to be "friends" and that he's not some random guy. He's just working you up to get into your pants later on. Then after all said and done, he'll leave, not say a word and you ask yourself, "why did he do this?" Well.. eh, yeah.

That's my opinion anyway. I could be wrong, but you never know.