Ladies......need your feedback please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2012
Ladies......need your feedback please!
Sat, 01-07-2012 - 8:42am

Hi everyone - I would like your feedback as it relates to my DD who is 20 and a college student.

DD has a boyfriend of 1.5 years (he goes to same college) - lately I noticed DD has been texting/calling an ex-boyfriend this last week or so (I go online for my cell ph usage to make sure we don't go over our plan and saw it was unusually high so I checked each person's usage to see why the bill was so high).

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Sun, 01-08-2012 - 1:00am
I've never been a mom, but it wasn't too long ago that I was 20 and if my mom tried to tell me it wasn't appropriate to text/call my ex I'd blow a gasket. First I'd scream about the invasion of privacy, then I'd scream about how it's none of her business, and then I'd just plain scream for the hell of it. Of course now that I'm older I know how to politely and respectfully tell her to butt out, but I'd say that's rare for a 20 year old lol.

If I were you I wouldn't say anything, but if you really feel you must I'd say tread lightly. Do not tell her you were browsing through the bill and saw the call history. Just ask her if she wants to talk about how things are going with her bf or anything else that might be troubling/confusing her. If she doesn't bring up the ex then she probably doesn't want to discuss him with you and you'll just have to trust that she does the right thing, learns a huge lesson, or both.
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Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Sun, 01-08-2012 - 10:49am

"being in contact with an ex is NEVER a good thing"

That's your opinion, not everyone's. I know plenty of people who are on good terms with their exes and have healthy, appropriate friendships with them.

"I feel as her mom, I should say something because who will?"

Why does anyone have to say anything? She's an adult, she's entitled to make her own decisions and if she's making a mistake, it's her right to learn from her own mistakes. That's life. If she didn't ask for your opinion, it's not your place to give it. You've done your job and raised her as best you can - the time for telling her how to live her life is over.

" I'm sure her friends will justify being in touch with her ex because it's what DD wants to hear. "

Or maybe they know more about what's going on than you do. You don't know for sure what is going on between your daughter and her boyfriend - you don't know why they are spending less time together. You have no idea whether the increased contact with her ex is the cause of it or the result of it. Now, I don't condone cheating but you don't know if that's what this is.

"So...please tell me, how should I go about this - how would you want your mom to approach you with something delicate to discuss?"

You say she's has mentioned that she's not spending as much time with her boyfriend... and you say why you think the reason for that is... but did you ask her why SHE thinks it is? Because that would have been a good opener.

Here's the thing, my mom and I are VERY close... we talk to each other about almost everything. There is not much I feel like I can't tell her. However, my mom respects my right to live my own life and make my own choices and has done pretty much since I was somewhere in my early 20s, similar to your own daughter's age (I'm now 29 and for the record, I'm American, just in case my username makes you think my opinions are a cultural difference). If she is really concerned for my well being, she may ask "is everything okay?" or more specifically if it concerned another person too "is everything okay with (x)?" But if I'm not responsive to opening up, she's leaves it alone.

So I would suggest asking her "Is everything okay with you boyfriend? You mentioned you haven't been spending as much time together." But if she blows it off as nothing, let it go and certainly do not bring up the ex because it's obvious she doesn't want to talk about it and therefore it's none of your business.

" I don't attack and I don't judge but I can't just stand by without saying something. "

You say you don't judge but honestly, your entire post has come across as judgemental. You've made assumptions and formed opinions about those assumptions. That's practically the definition of judging.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2012
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 11:04am

Don't try to fit her into your own way of life at a similar age - life has moved on and still does a little more every year.