Loss of a Friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-1999
Loss of a Friend
4
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 2:23am
Hi everyone, I have been thinking about something today, and I was hoping to get some feedback from some objective observers. Here's the story. In college, I became good friends with my roommate. I really thought we would be friends for life. I loved her like a sister, and felt closer to her than to my biological sister. Then, sophmore year, she started dating this guy. He is a piece of s**t. He really is the worst person I have ever met. He was sleazy and nasty to everyone. He was selfish and self-centered and narcissitic and only concerned with appearances. He treated her like crap. But he had money and she latched onto him with all her might. Our friendship fell apart. She became more and more like him, selfish and money-grubbing, and she began to treat me and my boyfriend like crap because we didn't have the same kind of cash her boyfriend did. I was so angry at her for a really long time but I thought I was over it. It has been 4 years now, and I haven't spoken to her, but the other day I ran a search and I found her. She is now married to that pile of crap and they have a baby. I'm not sure why this hit me so hard but all of a sudden I started to cry all over again for the loss of this friend. I'm not sure what I'm wanting from y'all, but I have been feeling really bad and I needed to vent. Why am I still so angry and hurt? What is wrong with me that she would ditch our friendship so quick? I'm just feeling realy bad right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: reccap
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 7:50am
I'm sorry...

I only recently graduated college myself and it seems that most of the friendships drift apart. I really felt this dating someone still in college, and still hanging out with his high school buddies.

Avatar for angelheavensent
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: reccap
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 11:41am
Hello! Just thought I'd share my experiences in the friendship department. I have been through a few loss of "friends" myself over the years and what I have learned from each experience is that the friends you thought you knew you really didn't. It's hard to understand and I still think aboot my ex friends and wonder how or why it happened but in the end, everything happens for a reason. It still hurts, I know but when I look at the bigger picture and what the friendship was doing to me, I am much better without them. The most recent one was something like your situation, she was in a relationship, the guy was ok, they got engaged and her attitude totally changed. I got the impression from her that she thought she was above everyone else because she was so much farther ahead in life and I didn't appreciate that. I didn't appreciate hanging out with someone who always made me feel worthless because I wasn't at the same point in my life as she was. We had an arguement aboot it and when it really came down to it, she revealed her true colors and betrayed a trust NO friend should ever betray. It's a long story, involving my ex bf who is friends with her fiance (how they got together in the first place) and my Mom got involved and this "friend" out of anger told my Mom how many guys I've been with, again trying to make herself seem so much better than me cause she's only been with her fiance. That right there ended our 11 yr friendship and I haven't talked to her since. Maybe it sounds selfish to throw 11yrs away just like that and take myself out of her wedding but I felt it was the best thing for me. I want friends who no matter what is going on in their lives, will still be the same person, the same friend they always have been cause that's what true friends are for. I do understand people change and it will happen but changes for the better, not worse. I don't know if that makes you feel any better or not but you will never stop thinking aboot them or the ways maybe things could've changed or the what ifs, I do but the one thing that always sticks in the back of my mind is that everything happens for a reason.

Krista

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-1999
In reply to: reccap
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 3:34pm
Thanks for your words and your sympathy. I think what I am really upset about is that she just threw away a friendship that meant so much to me. It was like she didn't care about me or our friendship at all. I just want to know if there is something wrong with me. Should I have just accepted that her boyfriend would mean more to her than our friendship? Should I not feel so hurt and betrayed? Did I care too much about her friendship? I think now I hold myself back a lot from trying to make friends because I am scared that others will treat me the same way that she did. It seems to me that most people don't care about their friendships like I do. Maybe I just need to stop caring so much.

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Avatar for angelheavensent
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: reccap
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:49pm
I know how that feels, to realize that something that meant so much to you didn't mean as much to her. It's not you or anything you've done. You know the importance of friendship and that is a valuable thing to have when you're young. It's sad but sometimes when friends get into relationships, they think their SO is the only person they need in their life and they push everyone else away. I've been there when I was young and stupid but I have grown to completely understand how much friendship means and I am lucky that I still have some of the friends I neglected when I was in that particular relationship. You're ex friend might not have realized that at the time but maybe now she does cause she might not have anyone now to turn to. It is competely her loss cause from what I see so far, you seem like a great person because you care so much even after all this time. It is normal to feel the way you do. You think when you have that kind of bond with someone that it will never change but unfortunately it sometimes does.

I wrote this actually when I was having problems with my ex friend:

"Friendship is like a garden. It takes a lot of love, patience, respect and commitment for it to grow. Remove any one of those and the garden dies. Some people don't realize how much care and attention a garden requires and it's a shame when something so beautiful is neglected and left to memory."

Friendship takes as much effort as any relationship, it takes two and when one half isn't "pulling their weight" there isn't much you can do to force it. I'm sorry you feel hurt but in reality, you may only have one or two honest true friends in your lifetime. You'll know them when you meet them. They are the ones who are always by your side. They do not let anyone or anything come between you. I'm sorry this got long lol Sometimes I have to remind myself of these things too.