Man that is Offlimits

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Man that is Offlimits
11
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 3:28pm
Hi - I'm 27 and a professional. I have been in love for 22 months with my friend, named "O" who I used to work with. Last month he separated from his wife with whom he had problems for years. He has an apartment and is living a mile from my house. (! yay!) One would think this is a good thing, which might give us a chance... However, he is pushing me away and dealing with his pain in that most unusual way of being emotionally unavailable when he previously gave me all he had emotionally. We really aren't friends anymore, despite the fabulous chance we have to be more than friends now.

I realize I should give him space, but I want him. And I feel like I am crunched for time (all my friends are married and pregnant) and I don't want to lose him because we both agree that each other is our "dream mate". He still calls me 5 times a day and IMs me plenty, but does not want to see me in the evenings for dinner or a drink any more. I guess I should move past the hope for this epic, incredible love with the most intelligent, witty, sensitive man alive, and instead settle for someone who might be more emotionally available. I would hate to give up too early. What should I do? Any advice is appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-1999
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 3:38pm
Gosh, it sounds like you really love this man. I think perhaps you need to give him a little time. He is going through a major life change right now and he needs to make sure that he is doing the right thing. He only left his wife a month ago. Perhaps he needs some time to think about what he is doing. Also, he is still in contact with you, so he hasn't cut you off completely. Give him a couple of months and see how things develop.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2002
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 4:05pm
Why do you wanna mess with a married man? Sure, NOW he has an apartment, conveniently close to you (just so happens, right?) Do you think all those dinners and little drinks and emotional availability had anything to do with his marriage breaking up? You fool with this guy, tag him, marry him, whatever, and you know what will happen? He'll find a new "friend" with whom to be dreamates or whatever. I think your jealousy ("But I wanna BABY! I wanna RING I want! I want! I want!") has driven you into not seeing straight. If you really want a marriage, find a single guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 4:10pm
Yikes. The guy has got a lot of emotional baggage. Your idea of a “timeline” is going to scare him off if it hasn’t already. He just left his wife last month. Many people say that one shouldn’t get in another relationship for one year after a divorce (they also say that the first person you meet after a divorce is never “the one”). Honey, you’re only 27, and if this guy is worth it, I think you can hit the snooze button on your biological alarm clock for a while, but you really shouldn’t be getting your hopes up. You should keep on chugging away at life… let this guy know that you are interested, but you’ve gotta move on. This guy may or may not commit to you, and if you keep hanging around waiting for him to be “ready” you’re only sabotaging your own life. Best of luck.
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 5:58pm
That's what I was thinking. With all the men in the world, why mess with one who is married and who may or may not divorce his wife?

The man has been cheating on his wife (and kids?). Any man who would do that lacks integrity and character - not the type of man I'd want in my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 7:44am
Stop wasting your time on someone who is emotionally unavailable. Why be the one who has to play second fiddle in the relationship? Go find someone who is just dying to be with YOU!!! I know it may be hard- but cut off contact... let him know you're moving on and don't take his calls. You deserve better!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 1:15pm
Are you a Tarheel?

Thanks for the post and good thoughts (I love instant friends who care!). I did just that which you said -- cut it off. It's been one day since we cut off contact verbally, and now we committed to no IM and soon to be no email after we are finished ending it (I'll be smart enough not to let that go on for longer than today.)

As for moving on, I have a guy who professes his love to me, but he's not the one I want. Perhaps I'll meet someone at 8 minute dating! I'll hold up ok. I'm going to see mom and dad for hugs this weekend. It will be a hard road esp b/c he was my true love and hope for happiness. I guess he wasn't as intelligent as I thought.

Thanks very much everyone. I truly appreciate you.

~Hope, and lots of it

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 3:04pm
Actually, I'm a GAMECOCK!!! ;)

Well- here are some virtual (((((hugs))))) for you! Think of things this way... in a year when you're dating some great guy you'll look back on this as a great decision. Good luck with the 8 min dating... I'd like to know how that goes actually. BUT STAY STRONG! Don't let this guy manipulate you into being a shoulder to cry on! Have a great weekend!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 4:35pm


Friday night I tried to lay low and rest up from my exhausting week, only to receive a knock on my door with a liquored up O, who wanted to talk. We talked and fought for hours to no resolution. The truth is that he is still attached to his wife, he admited, and actually getting separated legally (not just in living arrangements) and then actually getting divorced was going to be alot harder than he expected emotionally. The upshot: He's an emotional mess. I had little idea he was so unready for a relationship with me. It panged my heart to know I was so wrapped up, duped, fooled into thinking otherwise... into dreaming of our marriage. He said it would be at least 2 years until he'd be ready... which would be 2 tortuous years of waiting, healing a broken man, and still laying low. NOT my idea of a happy life.

Don't get me wrong: I still love him as I can't turn off my heart so quickly... but I'm very thankful I am moving upward and onward without this emotional baggage.

He called many times over the weekend and I finally answered and told him to leave me alone (hard words to utter considering he's really hurting and needs a friend.) But I did it! Sometimes, ladies, it's okay to watch out for ourselves, right? Like Carolinagirl_1 says, he could easily manipulate me into letting him cry on my shoulder and be his friend... he knows ALL he has to do it say "I miss you... I love you" and my sappy heart melts. With your help, and the help of my fam, friends and God, I can move past this... tho, the saga still continues.

I see him at a happy hour tomorrow night, that I want him to drop out of so I can keep these business contacts, but he won't. So, that will be the first time since our Friday fight. I'm hoping Strength and Resolve will become stronger everyday... do you think? Any ideas or tips on keeping him out of my life so I can heal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 8:17am
OH MAN, OH MAN, OH MAN!!!!

First- let me say I am sooo proud of you! You stood up for yourself and held your ground- I think that's great! I'm trying to figure out what is up with this guy. He tells you he is emotionally unavailable and that he won't be "normal" for 2 years... yet he thinks it's ok to call you and have you waiting in the wings??? Huh??? Then, what if in 2 years he finally does get the ex-wife off the brain.... wouldn't he want to date around a bit before jumping right into another relationship??? I think you are so right to run from this guy.... run away!!! As far as seeing him at the happy hour... I would just avoid him (hard as that may be). If he approaches you, just walk away- let him know you are not up for a "talk". Guys can only take so much rejection... so I think you may only have a few more times to say "back off" and then he finally will. And if he doesn't- well it's time to get mean. I would start coming up with some one liners that will give him the picture= "So, you're getting a divorce, you are emotionally unavailable, and you've already told me you are not going to be over this for two years??? Geez- my prayers have been answered!!! You're exactly what I'm looking for... sure, I don't deserve better! Do you note the sarcasm? Good."

Also... don't feel bad about being "fooled" by this guy. You have feelings for him, like you said you can't just turn them off. But, don't let him use those feelings to manipulate you. That's why I would suggest the NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER policy. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 1:42pm


Thanks for the encouragement! It's been a hard couple days because we talked ALL the time on the phone, so, to be honest, we have cut back to 2 calls a day and some IMing... The All or Nothing rule lasted about 2 days.

But he asked me out for Saturday night. Should I go? I really really want to...

I do have other plans - I could go to yet another engagement party.

I do miss him.

--Hope, in a time of weakness.

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