Moving in Together?

My husband and I lived together for almost 5 years before we got married last year. Here are my thoughts on your questions:

when is too young to move in together?

*** I don't think there is any *too young* to move in together because it really depends on the people involved, I would err on the side of caution. Basically, if you are asking if you are too young, then you are probably not ready. In general, I don't think that people should really make that serious of a commitment to another person until they are at least 23 or so. That way you've had time to be an adult for awhile, do your own thing, grow into yourself, and so on. Once people have had time to do that, they are generally more centered and focused on what they need and want out of life and a life partner.

what steps should be taken first in a relationship to ensure this is the right step?

*** Talking, talking, talking, and listening, listening, listening. Make sure your relationship is on solid ground. Talk about everything and listen to what your partner has to say. Assess whether your values, expectations, and goals mesh well together. When you live with someone, you have to live with ALL their bad habits and they have to live with yours. You will see each other at your worst and have to deal with each other on a very intimate level. Make sure that your relationship is solid enough to handle that. Then talk about specifics - money, housework, socializing, expectations about time together, time apart, family functions, and so on.

do you think marriage should precede living together?

*** No way. I mean, I guess for some people, but definitely not for me. I would never have agreed to spend THE REST OF MY LIFE with my husband without living with him first. Before I made that kind of commitment, I wanted to know exactly what I was getting and have him know exactly what he was getting.

I, like a previous respondant, lived with my husband for 5 years before we got married. We moved in together while I was still in college. It was the best thing I ever did. HOWEVER, I will tell you this. Be ABSOLUTELY certain that both of you agree on what "moving in together" means. If he is thinking, "hey, free sex all night long and I don't have to go home to shower" and you are thinking, "first step on the way to marriage" then you have a problem. Also make sure you talk about how to handle finances, financial disputes, and how the property will be split up. You can't be all romantic about this because living together means splitting the bills, and being responsible to each other for where the rent is going. Also, if you do happen to break up you have to decide who gets the couch you bought and who gets to keep the bedspread that was a present from your mother but he loves and let me tell you, that is a HUGE nightmare. This is a big step, be very sure you are ready.

Definitely be clear about your expectations about the future of the relationship. Talk it over and make sure you are on the same page. When people's expectations are different, it can definitely cause problems. Like you said, if one person is thinking this is a step toward marriage and the other is thinking you are basically roommates who have sex, it will be difficult.

With my situation, neither my husband nor I were in a big hurry to get married. In fact, when we moved in together, marriage was probably the furthest thing from our minds. We were commited to each other and figured we'd probably spend our lives together, but marriage wasn't a big priority. We were both in agreement, so it worked well.

Those are definitely important points to consider. It all depends on your priorities, your goals, your situation, and where you are in your life. If it is important for you to start your life together as a married couple, then of course you shouldn't live together before marriage. There really isn't much difference between living together and being married - you are still the same people still in the same relationship with all the same dynamics whether the government sanctions your relationship or not. Also, if you aren't at a place in your life where you want to be in a serious, commited relationship - such as in your early 20s and you want to be out partying with your friends and dating different guys - then living with a boyfriend probably isn't what you need to be doing.

It's a totally personal decision whether to live with a boyfriend or not. There definitely isn't any one-size-fits-all answer.

I did want to point out that marriage does not guarantee some things that you mentioned - such as assurance that he'll be around for the long haul or accountability. Almost 50% of marriages end in divorce and there are a lot of non-married couples who stay together for decades. Commitment is in the heart and the mind - not in the marriage certificate.