Is my boyfriend avoiding me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Is my boyfriend avoiding me?
10
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 11:52pm

...or am I reading too deeply into his actions?

We have been dating for almost 4 months. Almost everything is going very well (he makes me feel good about myself, is respectful towards me, great sex, we understand each other and have fun, etc.) There's one thing that bothers me a lot. He calls me maybe twice a week, maybe less on occasion. He claims he hates talking on the phone in general, and likes to use it as a means to make plans, not to chat. I can understand this, but I'm used to being in relationships where my boyfriend and I would "check in" on the phone about once a day, even if it was just to say hi or goodnight. With my current boyfriend, I feel that I am usually the one to call him and makes plans, or to just call to say hello. He always seems a bit nervous and distant over the phone, but he is not nervous with me at all in person. On average I see him about 3 or 4 days a week, but every once in a while we can go 3 days without talking or seeing each other at all, because I am waiting for him to take action and call me.
This is not a "casual relationship". He tells me he loves me quite often, and tells me how lucky he is to have me, how beautiful/honest/smart I am, etc. We have discussed cheating and have definitely agreed that we both want a monagomous relationship. I feel that these are not empty words and I think he does love me, but the not calling enough thing makes me very worried about what's going on and how he's really feeling, and if he's taking the relationship as seriously as I do. Even if it's not over the phone, it would make me feel a lot better to just hear from him in some way or another if we don't see each other that day. Am I being clingy in this request? Are his actions understandable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 3:39am
Have you actually told him your concerns? If he really loves you, he'll listen to you and try to do better. I had an ex-boyfriend who wasn't a phone person....the problem eventually escalated even more and contributed to the end of our relationship. It's not being unreasonable to expect him to call. Men who love you want to know how your day was, are excited to talk to you and can't wait to see you next. It should never be a chore. If it is, you need to ask yourself what you want in your ideal relationship. I wasted 8 months with my ex. It was one of the toughest breakups I've ever had in my life, and one of the toughest times. I thought he was my first true love. I met a new man, he's wonderful, calls all the time, makes plans with me, and finally I know how a real man treats a woman.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 1:08pm

well, I'd say give him a break, although of course that's up to you.

After reading "He's Just Not That Into You," I decided tons of calls were mandatory from a man, and I can't tell you how much stress that caused me! Some guys aren't the call-every-day type, simple as that.

The importance of calls is that they signal a desire for contact, a priority in life. But of course, those things can be expressed in other ways. I would say the overall picture of how important you are in this man's life would be more important than the number of calls you get from him.

Lots of relationships begin as intensely intimate, with talking all night, calls all the time, every moment spent together or with the wish to be together. That is fun, but it's also exhausting! Intimacy that lasts longer than a few months has to be built around real life, and real life just can't sustain that constant contact.

I think it takes compromise and understanding to negotiate the kind of contact you want to have for the long-term. You could ask him to call more, or you might want to give him time to naturally make you more and more a part of his life, in his own way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2006
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 4:46pm
Is he by any chance an IM or Text person? I have found in general most people that like IM or text message tend to not like calling on the phone, but may IM or text you every day. If he is an IM person do you have IM? Do you have free texting? Do you respond to text messages?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2007
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 6:56pm

I really see, where your coming from, but if your BF is really uncomfortable with calling, you should try to find a compromise that suits both of you. It sounds to me as if you're not very worried about the relationship in general, but this particular things bothering you. Before this one little thing has the negative effect of you feeling rejected in some way, you should talk to your Bf again and see, if you could work something out: maybe he could just write you a text a day? Relationships are about making compromises to a certain extend, so if ur BF is as good as he sounds, he should understand that.

Hope I could be of help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 12:36am

Why does this sound just like my relationship? My bf and i have been together for about 7 months now and in the beginning, he was exactly like that. He still is at times but has gotten better. He also claims he hates talking on the phone and doesnt like to call me to chat or say hi or wahtever. He says he rather talks in person. We see each other about 3 times a week also. It bothers me a lot that he doesn't call me as much as i want him to. Ive been in past relationships where we would talk on the phone all the time and the guys i dated loved talking to me. My bf rarely makes plans with me and i always make plans with him. He claims that he's not the kind that makes plans and just see whatever goes in the day. But i hate that. I need to know what i'm gonna be doing later on today or tomorrow. I dont think it's too much to ask. It's not like im asking what are the plans next month. He does tell me he loves me and he shows it when we are together most of the time. I do believe he does love me but i really have no idea why he acts this way. I'm thinking some guys are just like this.

I did bring up my concerns with him though and he does call me at least once a day everyday, but it doesnt seem like he wants to do it and seems like it's a chore. If he had a choice i dont think he would call me everyday. Sure it bothers me a lot but then i think of all the things he does do for me, then most of the time, i just let it go. He wants us to live together though and he's really serious about this so i know he loves me and i think he really just isnt a phone person or the kinds that makes plans.

I tried to break up with him last month cuz it started to bother me a lot, and he started making all kinds of promises and said he'll change but i havent seen changes. I really dunno what to say about ur situation. But i think if it bothers you, u need to bring it up with him, and if he isnt willing to do things for you, chances he prob doesn't really love you like he says he does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2007
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 3:53pm
umm you should be in the honeymoon phase still. after only four months things should have that glow of newness and constant text messages and lovey-doveyness, etc, etc. i think if you both were ppl who valued their alone time and didn't want to be in constant communication then this would be working...but it sounds like you are not in that boat. talk to him about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 2:56am

I hate when people give bad advice...and do you know why it's bad advice...because they are willing to settle for less than what they want and need in a relationship.

If you are willing to compromise what you want, then stay with this guy. If you want someone you can talk to daily and don't feel like your making it a chore for him to talk to you then break up with him. If he can't pick up the phone for 5 minutes for some human contact then something is wrong with him. As for texting and emailing, that's all well and good, in addition to a short call. It's nice to hear someone's voice. Please think about what YOU want. Stop worrying about inconveniencing him...if he loves you, picking up the phone to talk to the woman he loves isn't an inconvenience.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 1:57pm
I feel like I am in the same boat as you. I'm 28, he's 25, and we've both admitted we are not phone people-we can't sustain long winded convos over the phone, but we would text constantly. Lately, its been quiet - I've sent 2 texts in 2 days and received one word responses and it unnerves me. I'm probably paranoid and over analyzing everything - everyone needs time to be on their own, and we all have different parts of our lives to devote to other people like friends and family. I guess I just worry that he doesn't think of our relationship the same way I do right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 8:13am

And what's so horrible about a little compromise?

I understand that "settling" isn't something positive for a relationship, but despite that, some compromise will always be necessary. Nobody is perfect, and we have to decide what we can live with and what we can't. The op's boyfriend, from what I could tell, seemed to genuinely care for her, and it just seemed to me that perhaps it wasn't worth just giving up on because of the phone calls.

I haven't been totally satisified and in a state of bliss for every moment of my current relationship, and I know my boyfriend hasn't either. But we both know there is a very good reason - love - for us to be together and to negotiate through the different expectations and feelings we both have.

We do all have deal breakers, and if phone calling is one, then fine - break up over it. But if it's not, then it's perfectly legitimate to compromise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 3:04am
Well the original message sounds like keeping in contact and talking and her boyfriend knowing and CARING what is going on in her life is a big priority. If you don't care that the person you are with does not care what you are doing and what is important to you then fine, compromise by all means. It will ALWAYS be something that bothers you. I'm not saying everyone is perfect...but if something is bothering you and you tell your boyfriend and he says sorry..can't pick up the phone for 2 seconds to talk to you...you need to get out of that relationship. People do change, but they have to want to change...if he isn't mature enough to put another person first, then he's not ready to be in that relationship.
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