Need Help! Guy told me he loves me, but also has feeling for his ex...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2011
Need Help! Guy told me he loves me, but also has feeling for his ex...
4
Wed, 11-23-2011 - 1:23pm

I'm 24 years old and am recently out of a long term relationship (4 years)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
I've been in a similar situation, where new love was trying to grow amidst the old fading out. It can hurt, and for me, it wasn't something that was said outright, but I could tell from the things he said sometimes.... it also didn't help that we were good friends before we were "seeing each other", so he felt he could confide more in me, when maybe I didn't want to hear some things. It's all water under a bridge now, we're still together, and he's WAY over her.

I say, you should preoccupy yourself until he gets back to you, focus on your social life, and if you have an opportunity to date someone else, go for it. Whether or not he's testing out the waters with his ex, or trying to close that door for good, it's not fair for you to be nervously waiting to see if he'll be back. Hope for the best, but take it easy and relax.

And think of it this way, if he DOESN'T come back to you wanting a fresh start, you've already started to move on. And if he does, well you will be happy, but he'll know you aren't the sort of woman to hang around and let him call the shots in your life.

He's figuring himself out, making sense of his life and your place in it - it's only right you should do the same.

He wasn't finished with all of this before he and you began to get close. And right now, you can have fun with your friends, and see other guys, and decide if HE is worth waiting for. And who knows, you might meet someone who you also feel a connection to, with no baggage holding him back from being with you.

But please, don't "wait it out". Keep an open mind to what he will eventually say, but also look towards your future in a way that is positive, and happy, and YOUR OWN. Not for HIM. Don't let your future depend on him. Even in your thoughts.

And remember, no matter if you two end up together or not, everything WILL work out for the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2011
Thanks for taking the time to respond!! You have a lot of very valid points and good advice! I'm beginning to get the feeling that he may be spending a lot of nights at her place, which he did before, too. I truly think he may be more or less using her for a place to live rent free.

The rational side of my brain is telling me that I'm much better than him, and that things won't work out between them this time, either. However, the emotional side of my brain is making me sick about this! I have such strong feelings for him and want him in my life so badly. I just need to get these 2 parts of my brain on the same page!

The emotional side has been so overactive. Thinking about things like them getting married or having a kid or something equally devastating for me. I keep thinking that maybe the time he spent "away" from her was what he needed to realize how much he cares about her. The rational side says "who cares?! You're better off without him!"

Especially since I was talking to another co-worker of theirs who was telling me all the things she said about him while they were still together. Things like how bad of a kisser (and bad at other things) she thought he is, how she didn't really ever like him that much and didn't know how to let him down easy, etc..

Ugh..the trouble with men..
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Yeah, our emotions can be our worst enemy at times. But I have to tell you that him staying at her place, for whatever reason, isn't a good sign. Has he contacted you at all since he decided to "explore his feelings". It's possible that he did realize how much he missed her while being with you.

But that isn't because she's so much better than you - but he does have baggage with her, history that can't be erased, and maybe for a while he tried to forget it while being with you. He probably does care about you, maybe he was starting to fall for you, but for whatever reason, his connection to her hadn't died yet. And you can't take that upon yourself. He'd be lucky to have you.

One thing I didn't mention in my last response, but will address here since you brought up another similar topic, is the things people say, to you or to others that get's passed along to you.

When he told you that he only thought of her as a friend, he wasn't giving you the entire story, and you should know not to take this statement as a complete picture of their relationship. Same goes for what their coworker told you. His ex was probably venting, because she was upset. Saying he was a bad kisser (and lover?), saying she didn't care about him, that she had been planning on breaking up with him for awhile - that was all being said to make her feel better. Is there some truth to it? Maybe. And even if there is, it's clear she cared enough to say something.

I remember wanting to know about my boyfriend and his ex's relationship. I'm naturally very curious, and my insecurities convinced me it would be better to know. But trust me, there's a lot of stuff you don't need to know. It's only a headach/heartache for you, and it won't necessarily help your understanding of him.

In your situation, I would especially stress this, because there is a chance at this point that the two of you will not end up being together. Why torture yourself with details of their relationship? Why sit awake at night and think about what they are or are not doing? It's natural to grieve the loss of this chance at happiness you thought you were going to have with him. But as good as it may feel (strange, I know) to feel sad about this, don't delay moving on for too long. He isn't worth it. And while your future is ahead of you (for now), your present won't wait around for you.

I wish all the best for you - be strong and seek happiness :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2011

Thank you. I'm doing my very best to not let my emotions get the best of me. I'm beginning to question whether anything he's told me has been true. We text each other "Happy Thanksgiving," but thats been about the extent of our communication for about a week. My instincts tell me that she is so wrong for him, and that he's going to end up being so unhappy with her again. Its just hard to understand, because their relationship was always more of a friendship than a serious, crazy-in-love type of