Stuck in between a rock and a hard place

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2014
Stuck in between a rock and a hard place
4
Tue, 01-07-2014 - 2:34pm

I'm faced with a decision that has no good outcome and I'm at a loss for what to do. I think I've found my soul mate, the one person who seems to be made for you. He adores me and thinks that I'm the one for him, to. The problem is my best friend used to have a fling with him. To make a long story short, last year I met "Jack" at a bar and we hit it off instantly. He asked me for my number but I was seeing someone. A few months later my boyfriend at the time, my best friend, and Jack went out. I told Jack he should play darts with my friend. She got pretty twisted and I told her not to go home with him. Well, she did. For the next few months on and off they hooked up. He made it clear he wanted nothing more than that. In her head friends with benefits means dating, even though he made it clear this was not the case. So that stopped and they stayed just friends. She hooked up with guys since and the three of us became extremely close, hanging out every day. A couple months ago Jack told me that he thinks I'm the one for him. I told him nothing could ever happen because of her. He didn't think this was fair because there wasn't anything between them and she's been with other guys since. The problem is she sleeps with them and then it always ends up being a friends with benefits situation. Jack hasn't dated anyone in a long time because he never felt it was right before. He thinks that, despite the circumstances, we're made for each other. She accused me of having feelings and told people that I betrayed her. Nothing ever happened with us so there was no "betrayal". She let it go, but the truth is I do have feelings I never meant to have. I hate myself for it and wish it would go away. But I believe in my heart he might be the one to. I want to spend all my time with him, talk to him as much as I can, he's there for me whenever I need him, and he's truly my best friend. I've never felt so strongly for someone I've never actually had. I don't know what to do because there's just no clear option. I don't want to lose him as a friend, and I can't lose her either. But I've also turned down other men because my heart's just not in it. I'm feeling sick over this. Any and all advice is appreciated; by the way we're in our middle 20's, he's in his late 20s so this isn't a story of teenage heart break. Thank you for taking the time to read 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-07-2014 - 4:12pm

If you really think this is the guy for you, then I think you need to be honest with your friend.  Unfortunately it might ruin your friendship with her but if it does she isn't being a good friend.  I have a DD your age and this is what I'd tell her.  Your friend and this guy aren't in a relationship--I might think differently if they were dating and you broke them up--but she isn't with him and she goes off with other guys so it's not fair for her to "claim" him when he doesn't want to be with her anyway.  Yes it's very awkward considering they slept together but if you say no to him, they still aren't going to be in a relationship if he cares about you & not her.  I just think the 3some of hanging out together is going to have to stop.  Before you do anything, I think you should talk to her honestly about your feelings and ask how she feels, but don't promise not to date him just because she doesn't want you to.  The best thing would be if she could find someone else, but considering her track record, it might not happen that fast.  

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 01-08-2014 - 3:09am

 All's fair in love and war.  Go for it.  Your friend will accept or not.  that is not you concern.  Your concern is to be assertive in your warshipdesire.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2013
Fri, 01-24-2014 - 5:13am
Some times solution is just hanging before us but we do not take a decision that it might hurt some body. But one must look at the complete picture to arrive at the correct solution, you and Jack love each other, your best friend had a friends with benefits scene with Jack, which no longer exists. So stage is set for both of you getting involved in a beautiful long term relationship. I am sure your friend wouldn't mind realizing the passion you have for each other.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2014
Wed, 02-26-2014 - 9:15am
i thought i would give an update in case there's others out there in a similar situation : i offered to end the friendship with jack but my heart broke to pieces as the words came out of my mouth. i came clean to her about our feelings, but making it clear nothing has happened between us. she said it'll be tough for awhile but she couldn't stand in our way if this could be the one and that him and i needed to talk. i found out that she went through both our phones and told mutual friends of mine that there was proof in the texts that we were "having an affair" (all texts were innocent) she ended up telling everyone who would listen that im sleeping with her ex boyfriend who she was in love with. we haven't talked since.
As much as the guilt still eats at me and how difficult it is to move on without her and other friends in my life, Jack and I couldn't be happier. I can't explain the feeling but he completes me. my only regret is hiding from my feelings for as long as I did. I debate reaching out to her and trying to apologize, but I don't see it happening yet. I do pray that in time she'll see that what him and I are meant to be together and that the love between us isn't fleeting, only getting stronger.