Texting & Your Boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2006
Texting & Your Boyfriend
7
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 2:51pm

So I've been happily in a relationship with man for almost three years now. We are living together and have formed a great bond together through common interests, mutal friends and similar personalities. We do a lot together, and get along just great. We've talked about getting married, having childern, and everything to do with our future.

We both know most of each other's friends and have come very close to everyone. So I know that my boyfriend has a lot of girl friends, which has always been cool because I know them, (maybe not best friends, but I know them) and there has never been any issues with him. However the past month, a girl started to talk to him out of the blue (no mutal friends, met over Facebook). He said she friend's requested him just "wanting to talk and say "hey"."

Things to know about my boyfriend..

- He has never cheated on any of his past girlfriends. He actually got cheated on in his pervious relationship.

- He is very nice and honest ny nature, he likes to make friends and socialize. This may come off as flirting, because he is genuine at heart and just a very great person.

- He has a lot of girl friends already.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2009
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 3:29pm
I don't think you're being crazy at all. The whole thing is a bit odd, and the five hour off and on conversation is the icing on the cake to me. She might be a bit clingy, but he had to have given her his number (unless he has it on his FB profile). I think a conversation with him is in order. Let him know how this whole relationship with the FB girl is making you feel. If you were carrying on like this with some random guy you met in the same way, would he have a problem with it? If there's truly nothing going on, then I think he shouldn't have a problem either cutting it off or toning it back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2006
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 3:57pm

Thanks for your reply!

It does feel odd, that's the only way to describe it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2011
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 6:22pm
I don't think you're being crazy at all!! I've been in a similar situation with my ex-boyfriend of nearly 4 years. First, let me tell you my situation. He met a girl at his cousin's engagement party, which was a party I couldn't attend due to work obligations I couldn't get out of. They became facebook friends the next day and would comment on each other's posts and things like that. Of course I was curious about her but didn't think too much of it at the time. She was a girl I didn't know and never actually met. A couple of months later, we were at his cousin's wedding, where this girl was present too. Apparently she was scoping us out, because the next day, he was on his computer all night and I casually asked what he was doing, because it was late and I was going to head to bed. He said chatting with his cousin, Tom. The next morning when I borrowed his computer to check my e-mail, he was still logged in on his facebook and a chat window popped up, in which he had been chatting with the girl he met at the party. I didn't mean to snoop, but naturally, I had to read their conversation. Their convo was very flirtatious in nature and she made a lot of references to the wedding we were all at, which made me feel like she had been watching us all night. I was so angry with him for both talking to her in that manner and for lying to me when I asked what he was doing that I text him at work and called him out on it. He got very, very defensive and accused me of accusing him of cheating on me, which I never actually said. In hindsight, I'm glad I asked him about her, but wish I would have done so in a different manner, preferably face to face when I wouldn't have been so angry. Unfortunately, we broke up 3 days later...

My advice to you is to bring it up to him, but try to do so in a manner that isn't accusing him of something. I would maybe just ask who she is, and if you have a joint cell phone account, show him the bill and just casually ask who the number belongs to. If he gets defensive, I would definitely be concerned. I know it will be a tough conversation for you to have with him, but you need to know what is going on and he needs to know how you're feeling. If something more is going on with them, you deserve much better and finding out sooner rather than later will ultimately be for the best. If nothing is going on and he truly cares only for you, then he should know how his behavior is affecting and hurting you so he can change it before its too late. Good luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2006
Wed, 12-28-2011 - 10:01am
Thank you for your reply!

The one thing that makes me a little more relaxed about this whole situation is that he has never lied about her. He never didn't answer my questions about her or how they met. He was completely honest when I asked. He didn't get angry or defensive about me talking about.

Last night I did talk to him, I started it as saying "hey, I know last time we talked about this girl, I kind of thought something was going on, but if she's really your friend, I'd like to meet her sometime and say hi." I also told him that even though at first I was uncomfortable with the amount of texting, but if they are just friends and she doesn't go overboard, thats fine.

Now, I said this because my goal is to do two things: A. Tell him I haven't forgotten about her, nor will I. I know whats going on, and I'm not stupid. (just in case something WAS going on..) And B. Letting him know that I look forward to meeting this girl and introducing myself fully. We go to this one place a lot, and I have seen her there. (before she added him on Facebook and they started texting.)

He replied by saying yes they do text a lot when she's at work and bored, but there's nothing more to it. (I still didn't tell him about our phone bill.) He said that she knows he is in a serious relationship and that he's happy. He further said that theres nothing really to say about her and laughed.

So with that, I do feel better. He's not the type of guy to lie straight to my face. He's an Aries, so he's very straight forward and honest with his thoughts.

I thought about it over and over and I have to look at the facts…
We live together so its not like she can hang out with him without me knowing. We have the same friends and he hasn't tried to hide anything about her. He doesn't stay up late on the cell phone or computer, ever. In fact, we always go to bed together. (We like to give each other back rubs and foot rubs since we both hit the gym a lot.) He doesn't hide his cell phone, nor has he lied to me. He's never showed signs of cheating in the past three years and he's never cheated before either. He has a lot of girl friends already, and nothing has changed in our relationship. He's not distant at all, and he doesn't go out drinking a lot (we are both very dedicated into training. He's in a competitive soccer league). I borrow his car all the time, we both do each other's laundry…so he's not hiding or being sneaky.

Last night when we got home, he was still signed into Facebook and he showed me their convo from a couple days ago and it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. They talked about going to work, and what they were both doing for Xmas, etc.

Any other guy I would have said the same thing, he's doing something sneaky. But with him, I haven't found anything incriminating? So, I might have been a little too judgmental.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2011
Mon, 01-02-2012 - 11:25pm

It's probably as innocent as he says it is. He probably does think of her "in that way", but not as an insult to you or even in a threatening way. Men just naturally think of every woman in "that way" regardless of whether they want to (or would have a shot at) doing anythign about it. Most men just don't share these constant thoughts with thier girlfriends for good reason.

If I were to guess, I'd say the girl really is just a new friend and he's flattered by the attention. In fact, it may make the relationship better for you because he's feeling a bit more "mannish" having a girl flirt with him a bit. If it's not threatening, don't let it threaten you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2012
Tue, 01-03-2012 - 6:43am

Sorry, but I find this terribly inappropriate. You're the woman he lives with, says he loves, plans a future with, right? Anything that makes you uncomfortable or even causes you to question him in this way has got to go.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Tue, 01-03-2012 - 10:08am
While the content of the conversations may be appropriate, the amount of contact they have is inappropriate and it's understandable that it makes you uncomfortable. And it's okay to let him know that. I would just say "I trust everything you're telling me but I still feel uncomfortable with the frequency and quantity of contact you have with her. I would feel better if you just scaled it back a bit." If that's not something you can say without admitting to looking at his phone records, then you may have to come clean with him - that's the repercussions of snooping, you either have to fess up or live with what you found. Of course, you originally say it's "our phone bill" so maybe it wasn't even snooping?