Three years later I'm questioning whether it's right...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2008
Three years later I'm questioning whether it's right...
9
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 1:06am

I've been dating my boyfriend for three years. We met in college and starting dating when I was 19 and actually ended up moving across the country together. Despite the occasional argument our relationship was fine...until we moved in together. I thought the big move was going to be this huge experience that was going to bring us closer together but it seems like it has done the opposite. We moved on a whim without any job prospects or plans, really. I managed to land a pretty decent job at a very cool company and have been meeting so many new people and have been really enjoying our new city. My bf sits at home...all day...watching TV.

He works part time at a shoe store doing stock and barely makes enough money to pay the bills. There have been times where he has owed me over $700 at one time! I've told him over and over again that I can't keep supporting him but he hasnt done much to get another job. He actaully started "donating" sperm to bring in more cash. I dont have any political agenda about it, it's just plain lazy.

Basically, my career and social life is progressing at a much different rate than his is and he'scontent to just be a homebody and not save any money for a future. It's really turned me off bc of the lack of ambition and lack of initiative and lust for life. Our sex life is pretty boring as well.

The thing is: he's not a jerk. He's actually a really sweet and nice guy but I'm finding myself falling out of love with him bc he's so comfortable with his mundane life. I can't decide if I should stay or go. Also, I'm 22 and I sometimes get pretty curious about dating other people.

What do I do??

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Have you sat down and had a serious talk with him about it? Not just "I can't keep supporting you" but a real discussion about the future. I would tell him he can't possibly think life can carry on this way much longer, not only for his own sake but also for your relationship because it's negatively effecting your life together. Ask him why he thinks his lifestyle has turned into this, what he thinks he could do to improve things and what you can do to help. Make it clear to him you consider this a serious issue - it may be that he is so content with his lifestyle, he has not stopped to realize that you have a real problem with it and considers your "I can't keep supporting you" is just a bit of nagging.

At the same time, try not to be too hard on him. He might be depressed and have low self esteem because he sees how easily you got a great job and social life while he struggled. Ask him if he's depressed. Suggest therapy if he is (I know that's an added cost but if it pays off in the long run, it's worth it).

If you come away from the conversation feeling like things aren't going to improve, I would not blame you for ending things. While he may just be in a funk, you can't help him if he's unwilling to help himself and you're not expected to stay with someone who you're not satisfied with. Just because he's not a "jerk" doesn't mean you should stay with him, especially if this is his true self and not just a temporary tough time for him. You started going out at 19 when he was still in school, where there is still a certain amount of security. Now that he is in the "real world", you may just be discovering this is who he truly is and no, I don't think you should stay with someone like that. It won't be good for you - you'll just grow to resent him and be disappointed with him more and more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2008

Hi UK girl,

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

So it sounds like you have discovered that this guy isn't someone you like as much as you thought. Yes, it's very possible (even probable) that you have fallen out of love with him. You don't admire his work ethic and he can't even support himself. I'm glad you've decided to move out, that is the right decision. But since he's probably not going to change, I think this will be the first step in a breakup for you two. Your lifestyles are not compatible, and in this case, it's not possible to be harmonious in the face of the resent you feel toward him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2008

It's not that I don't like him, I actually like his person very much. He's a very sweet and funny guy. I just think that me playing the role of mommy has really turned me off and made me lose interest. With five months left on the lease I don't feel comfortable asking a friend if I can crash with them, that's a very long time and a long burden to put on someone else. I'm the one who decided to shack up, so I should hold the responsibility of living with my actions. If I had any idea that things would be the way they are I would not have decided to live with him.

I think for his own good he needs to live on his own and I actually already told him that I have my own place set up for me when I move out (which is true). I think that moving to separate places will be the cause of a break-up. I've dedicated three years of my life to this guy and I feel like it would;t hurt to stick around on the lease and see exactly where it goes. I was happier when he was out of town, though. So it's obvious where it is heading. I think there is a part of me that needs this time to wrap things up with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2011

I've had a similar situation with my boyfriend where I've wondered whether or not I truly want to spend my life with this man. I've come to realize that I absolutely do. Its such a confusing thing to do though. If I were you, I would sit down with him and just ask him what his plans are. Is he looking for full-time work or just coasting? The job market IS incredibly tight right now, so there are many people out of work completely or working part-time jobs just to get by. That's why I would want to know whether or not he is putting himself out there and trying to work, or if he just prefers to be lazy.

Also, have you ever discussed the prospect of marriage? If you want to get married, but can't see yourself marrying him,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2008

So I have some updates.

Around the first of the month he was short in his rent and we had a pretty serious sit down talk and we broke up. This break up lasted twenty four hours and then he said that he was going to try his best to change and was feeling really motivated. That week after our break up was pretty glorious and a lot of old feelings were resurfacing and it was great but then it went downhill again.

Upon preparation for a job interview he asked me to 'help" him with his resume which turned into him sitting back while I wrote the entire thing and formated it. Then he asked me to wash his clothes for the actual interview. The day of the interview I had forgotten to wash the shirt and he wasn't upset at all but he didn't have anything else to wear which turned into him taking forever to get ready. Of course this started a fight and made me realize that once again I was pulling most of the weight. Now I'm back to square one. Even though he's making the effort I'm wondering if this is right or not. I'm feeling like it's not and that it's a big red flag that I'm still feeling like it may be time to say goodbye.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

Yup. It's a big red flag.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2011

It certainly sounds to me like he's expecting you to be more like his mother, rather than his girlfriend. I would end things with him