Trapped?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2006
Trapped?
6
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 8:35am
This is a long one, but please stay with me, I need a little input..
I'm just going to lay this all out there -- I have been seeing my boyfriend for about a year now. I met him last spring, and I thought to myself right away that he was just a friend, and that I would not end up dating him. I knew he was head over heels for me, but I told him that there was not a chance of us dating, I was sure we would end up being good friends though.. which we did. I went away for the summer after college, and he went off to basic training. While we were gone we wrote letters to each other every day, and I kept thinking to myself that I would be an idiot not to snag this guy while I had the chance. He is intelligent, funny, cute, and treats me like a queen. When I got home, I road tripped with his family down to surprise him at his graduation from basic. From there he flew me out to where he was stationed next, and we stayed in a hotel room together. At the end of that weekend he asked if we should make the whole thing official, and I said I wasn't sure, but agreed to just go along with it anyway. For the next few months I felt like it was exactly as it should be, and missed him while we weren't together. I've never felt deeply in love with him, nor physically attracted. But I'm stuck in this mindset of "well, what if this is the best that comes along for you?" I can't stand the thought of having sex with him once we get married. I feel so ashamed because I told my family and everyone that I was sure this was the guy I was going to marry when we started dating. And back then I was pretty sure. My big mouth is getting me into trouble and my pride is keeping me from making things right with myself.
The kicker is, he asked my dad's permission to propose and is having a ring custom made for me. We've talked about getting married, and I think if I did marry him, I could learn to love him and be ok with my life. But I think I would always wonder what I missed. Then again, I might wonder the same thing if I didn't marry him. And then there's the question of the military, do I want to wait around for 5 years while he finishes out?
I do love him, very much. His family and I are close and I think of his mother as my mother. And everyone in my life knows that we plan on getting married. But is all of this reason enough to call it off? Any input? Please please please, I'm struggling.
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
In reply to: lapritchard
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 6:46am
You clearly don't want to marry this guy. So don't. Marrying him will only make you miserable in the long run and it isn't fair to him. You may think you'll "learn to love him" but if you can't even stand the thought of having sex with him, you will only grow to resent him if you marry him. You may care about him and love his mom and he may be a great guy but that does not mean he is the RIGHT guy for YOU. You deserve to be with someone you genuinely want to spend the rest of your life with and he deserves to be with someone who genuinely wants to spend the rest of her life with him. And you CAN both find that but only if you step up and be true to your heart. Right now, what you're doing isn't fair to anyone. So what if you told your family you'd marry him? The people who care about you will be understanding and supportive. You may hurt him and his family by breaking it off but it'll be better for everyone in the long run. You need to stop this before things go even further.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2009
In reply to: lapritchard
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 9:08pm

I think you already know the answer to that question but you are afraid to act on it. Thats really what you should think about. Why are you afraid to call off an engagement to a man you cannot stand the thought of sleeping with? You should take a look at what is going on inside of you, why are you willing to settle for that? Why do you think you are not deserving of a wonderful fulfilling relationship. I would use Emotional Freedom Technique EFT and tap on your limiting beliefs and get rid of them so that you can make the choices that you KNOW you need to make. Good luck.

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Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
In reply to: lapritchard
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 8:21am
That's a bit uncalled for - it's pretty obvious she is afraid to dump him because she's scared he's "the best she can do". Thinking that she can't do any better is a sign of low self esteem and I highly doubt your unfounded accusations that she's doing this for "fun" or "attention" are going to help in that regard.



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2010
In reply to: lapritchard
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 10:39pm

Hmm, well sorry if I feel no pain for this woman. I come from a military family and have been with a military man for 4 1/2 years. I have seen more women like this than I'd like to see... pathetic women who use and abuse military men, drain them of their bank accounts, and cheat while they are deployed. Sorry if I could care less how she is feeling, it's this poor guy that I care about. Yeah, remember the men and women who fight for our country? Go to war and risk their lives for us? Yep it's them I care about, not this harlot. Sorry.

You need to be a special kind of woman (or man, in certain cases) to be able to deal with a military man. She has no only showed she is incapable of showing him this kind of support but has also showed what kind of person she is all around. She would prefer to marry a man only because she may not get something better? Are you serious? Pathetic... it sickens me.






Edited 9/11/2010 10:46 pm ET by gratitude_monster
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
In reply to: lapritchard
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 4:22pm

You're judging her for things she hasn't even done and making this into something it's not. You're taking out a grudge you bear for other people on someone you don't even know. Calling her names is only going to make her feel worse about herself and therefore more likely to believe she isn't worth finding someone else who will love her and in turn, that's more likely to make her

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
In reply to: lapritchard
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 6:56am

"Insecurity is NO EXCUSE for taking advantage of ANYONE let alone a military man."

No one is saying that it is. I'm just saying that in order to encourage her to see her wrong choices and have the courage to do the right thing from now on isn't going to be accomplished by calling her names, verbally abuse her and making her feel even worse about herself. I'm not "too soft", in fact, I have been accused of being too harsh in my advice in other cases. I am just capable of realizing that making her feel worse about herself is counter productive to what she needs to do to make things right. What she is doing is wrong but her motives were not malicious and if you can't see that, I feel very sorry for you.





Oh and if you're trying to pretend to be someone else, it's not working - it's pretty obvious you're "gratitude_monster" posting under a different name. Your profiles are way too similar - you're both self employed, both from military families, both have been with the same guy for 4.5 or "nearly" 5 years, both have a pet named "Tux" (with the other pet names being only slightly different), you're both Leo's and both live in California. Either you're twins separate at birth or you're the same person. Did you get banned and have to sign up under a different name or are you just trying to make it seem like other people share your feelings on this?










Edited 9/16/2010 9:13 am ET by ukgirl82