Unhappy for over 4 years

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2008
Unhappy for over 4 years
4
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 9:50pm

To some of you, my story may seem a bit familiar, as I have posted on ivillage a couple years back. I'll make this as short as possible.

My boyfriend & I have been dating for a little over 4yrs and lived together off and on pretty much the whole time. Hence, our r-ship has also been off and on several times.
Our last argument was about 1 week before his b'day last month. Although I don't recall what the fight was about, I managed to stick around for his b'day and watch him mope around the house all day. The day following his b'day I decided I was completely unhappy and took any of my personal belongings that I keep around and drove back to my mom's house to stay.
Since then, we have been trying to work things out. Unfortunately, I haven't felt the same anymore. I have been on two 3-day trips to visit my family in the past month, by myself. I feel like I need time to let myself clear my head and think about if this is what I want for the rest of my life. I just got back from my second trip for Labor Day weekend. We had another argument this morning and now he wants to break up.
It never fails, every year I can bank on him starting an argument right before my b'day. His rationale for this is since he wasn't happy on his b'day, why should I be happy on mine? Since we didn't do anything for his, why should we do anything for mine?
My b'day is this Friday and I have already invited friends for a Girl's Night Out. It's not a big "F.U.", I just want to be able to CELEBRATE my b'day. No one deserves to feel like crap on their own b'day. I shouldn't let myself stay with someone who will intentionally do that to me.
Any advice to help me move on will be very much appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 10:59pm

Can I ask a serious question before I give you advice?

Have you come to the realization yet that this is not the guy who is going to ever make you happy? Or is that something you're still working out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2008
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 4:55pm
I am slowly coming to the realization that he is never going to make me truly happy. That's because he is not happy himself. We've struggled to make things work for so long, hoping to eventually find that spot where we can be content about everything.
We have talked about marriage, but no ring yet. Honestly, our relationship is so far from that next level, it's pathetic. You would think 4 years later, we would have our kinks worked out. But we don't. I'm only 26, but it's still sad to think that all this time has gone by and both of us still aren't satisfied and probably going to walk away with crushed hearts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 5:09pm

You are 26 and have so much life ahead of you... mb it sounds like you have put so much time and effort ino, only to get nothing back except the knowledge that this isn't the right man or relationship for you. That knowledge is extremely valuable. You could be 46 looking back on 24 years with him... You really don't want that.



Yes your heart is going to hurt very badly, that's what happens when you end a long relationship and there's no way around having to suffer heartache. But the difference is that pain will go away, and your heart will feel whole again. And then you will meet someone who makes you feel so much happier, you will wonder how you ever went four years with someone like this. I had to end a long relationship too, once, because I knew it didn't bring out the best in me, and it took me a long time to gather the courage but I'm so glad I did. It sucks for a while but then the pain goes away. It will for you too. Remember you only get one life, spend it HAPPY!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2008
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 7:15pm
Undercover,
Thank you for your advice on my situation. I have known for the longest time about my own unhappiness, it's acting on it that's the hard part. It's not good to compromise my own feelings for someone else and I have been doing that for so long.
It's unfortunate that it had to turn out this way, but I know in my heart I would have never been truly happy if we would have stayed together.