What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2010
What do you think?
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 6:05pm

Me and my husband had a long distance relationship before we got married. he was in LA and I was in NY.

He lived in LA for about 5 years before moving back home. that was 1 year ago.

When we were dating (long distance), most of the time when i called him and he was out, he would tell me that he was with R, T, B, L and J.

R: I have met her she is nice chick. she is his best friend. R is very close with M. M is his exgf. M loved him but wished that he was something more so she left him. And he didn't get over it. when we were dating, he had a brief affair with M (we resolved it).

T: T is M's friend. He felt that if things didn't work out between the 2 of us, he would have dated T. i never get to meet her. Before moving back home, T was the last person that he had hanged out with.

B: He always seems to have dinner and drinks with her all the time and mentioned that i should meet her.

L: Is his best friend, a guy who parties and loves going to vegas. they have been to vegas many times. again i never get to meet him.

J: I have met him. Over the phone, whenever my husband parties or heavy drinking it has to be with him.

Whenever i was in LA i didn't get to meet his friends as his friends are also M's friends, he feels that it would be awkward to meet them. Some of his friends are against us dating and hated him for marrying me.

3 months ago I was out of country, he decided to visit LA. He told me he stayed over night with R and hanged out with L.

One night at a party while he was drunk he told me an update about M. Apparently R updated him details about her. Then he told me he had met with T during the trip. Why didn't he mentioned that he hanged out with T too???

We are going to LA on this Sat.i asked him about hanging out with his friends, this is what he said

R: out of town

T: moved to another state

B: actually we are not that close

L: could never contact him

J: actually we are not friends, he is shady.

It was only 3 months ago that he met them... how can they be gone?
I think he was actually doing a whole lot of stupid things behind my back when i was away and fear that people will tell me about it.
What do you think? what should i do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2009
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 4:32pm

Hi, and welcome to the board! How long have you been married?

Being an outsider, it does sound a bit suspicious. However, you should know your husband better than anyone. Do you have any reason not to trust him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 5:09pm


thanks for your reply.

I was engaged for a 1 year and married for about 6 months.

previously i had asked him if he had ever done anything wrong to me when we were miles apart and these was what he had done while we were dating and engaged.

1) he had a brief affair with M (his exgf)
2) he got drunk and woke up next to a girl that he just met. the girl was J's friend.

Honestly, i never trust him after that.

I realise that when i was here with him. he would never use facebook or chat with his friends. But when i am gone, he would tell me randomly that he was talking to his friends.
Sometimes i looked through his facebook, email and phone, only to find out that
1) he has been adding girls that i think he has never met to his facebook
2) he has conversations with his exgfs (not only M). When i told him that i hate that, he insisted that it was his exgfs that email or called him.

the thing is whenever i wanted to leave him, he would always insisted that he had done nothing wrong and it was stupid for me to leave.
he insisted that M was the one that led him on and he never wanted to be with her. He blamed all he had done on alcohol.

When we were drinking and he got drunk, he would always talk about M. He would say I love you more than i love M, i don't care about M etc.
1 day after we got married, M text him telling him how stupid it was for him to marry me. he text back saying "Do you expect me to wait for someone that doesn't love me?"
I feel as though he wanted me not because he loves me is because he couldn't be with M.

Tell me what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2009
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 9:46am

Well, unfortunately, I can't tell you what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 5:05pm


thanks for replying.

Before he had an affair, I asked him if he will want M if she comes back and he said no. Yet, he still had an affair with her.

Before me there was another girl, C. Before C was M. while dating C, he too had a brief affair with M. Just that C does not know that.

He told me that the relationship with M is complicated.
Is like shes loves him yet doesn't want to be with him. He told me that even without talking to each other they would know how each other feel.
He told me that he doesn't need to invite her to his graduation as he knew that she would be there just as he would be there for her.
He feels that she genuinely wants him to graduate and cares for him.

Because of the breakup with M, he changed - he drank alot, failed his classes, lost his best friends.

When we got married, he had to text her explaining why she was not informed. he told me that M was really mad as they had made a promise to inform each other when they get married.

When i asked him why he had an affair with her. He blamed it on
1) alcohol.
2) i was too busy with work and he feels neglected
3) He told me that M feels that he will always be special in her heart and M feels that he is always there for him. Even if she scold him, he will always be there for her.

He told me that M told him not to tell me about the affair. He told him that he would be dumb to tell me. well he didn't tell me, it was I who asked him and he told me.

Sometimes i wonder if he is telling me the truth, perhaps he created everything to cover up the damage he had done and blamed everything on M.

Sometimes, i feel that i am not the one for him. I feel that M is the one. I feel that they should be together and perhaps he would be way happier than with me.

Sorry for the long message, but do tell me what you think, thanks