Whats he thinking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Whats he thinking?
2
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 10:09pm
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He has dated many girls before, but Im the first girl hes ever been truly in love with and has been committed to. I now live in another city so we live together on the weekends fri-sun. (This has been for about 2 months.) He used to joke about getting married and our kids off and on, and at a wedding once he told me he wanted to marry me someday. We had a very brief breakup once and he told me he just wanted to come over and propose to prove himself, but of course couldnt afford a ring right then. But right around the 2 yr mark and its been about2 yrs and 4 months now. He started getting defensive or more jokey when I made jokes or references about getting married or kids (which is very seldom) or his friends made jokes about it. Then last night I said something and he kinds blew it off. When I asked why he gets weird about it now he said because now it's "now or never". He is still sweet with me and isnt acting strange besides this behavior. Is he just being a 22 yr old guy or is there something here I should think about? I dont know...I just love him so much andhes the only person Ive ever been able to picture myself actually marrying and being happy...I never thought there was a reason to question him feeling the same. Is he just being a guy, or just having a phase? Any input would be great! :) Thanks, Andrea
Avatar for naemi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 2:04am
I know what you're going through because I have been in that very same situation. My own (personal) theory is that the idea of marriage seems a bit more scary for young men than it does for young women. I also had a bf who talked about marriage all the time, about our children and what they would be called, etc ad infinitum. But when it came around to making a decision, he couldn't afford a ring, he probably felt a little stressed out to be considering making a big decision like that so early in life, and it began to generally freak him out when I reminded him of what he'd been saying. The point is - it's easy to talk about marriage, children, buying a house, whatever. Actually doing it is entirely different, and you reminding him of his unfilfilled promises probably just leaves him feeling stressed, a bit angry, and doubtful if this really is an idea he should have talked about already. If I were him (and sorry if it sounds harsh, but this is just based on my experience) I'd think it were easier to just pretend the subject never came up or try to slip out of the "you promised!"-grip by giving any sort of excuse not to follow through. Let's face it.. a 22 year old guy is rarely as ready for marriage as he claims to be. Just enjoy your relationship the way it is, with no ring pressure (or jokes).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:04am
My ex BF and I talked about marriage very openly for a few years. Then in the last year, he started to get luke warm on the idea and kept saying "some day". Then he moved out and broke up with me to go sew his oats. Unfortunately, he reailzed how silly he was a year later and now I am with someone else. Anyway, the one thing I wished I had done differently (hindsight is 20/20) and my advice to you is to sit down with him and talk openly and honestly about your feelings. He has already expressed his unease and you have expressed your wishes to be married. What's important now is for the two of you to really talk about what is going on. NOT try to convince each other of anything...that's not the point. You need to let him know how important he is to you whether he can put a ring on your finger or not. He needs to know that although you would love to spend the rest of your life with him, it doesn't have to mean getting married tomorrow or next year or even in 5 years. I have a feeling that he feels like he made his bed and is being forced to lie in it. Let him out of this bind and let him know that you will love him no matter what and you are partners regardless of whether there is a certificate involved.