A year and a half later

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2007
A year and a half later
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 8:45pm

I am 26 years old and about a year and a half ago I broke up with a guy I was seeing. He was 14 years older then me and we were long distance. He wouldn't commit to me and wouldn't even call me once a week. He was the first guy I have ever slept with and I still have feelings for him, and still feel love for him.

A friend of mine and I met for drinks the other day. She knew him really well and never really got along with him. She said last time she was in his city he went to a get together she attended and found out that he had been dating a girl for about a year. My heart stopped beating and I had to fight to keep back the tears. I know it's been a year and a half but it still stings.

I still have constantly thought about him and feel I don't really have closure from what happened. I ended it abruptly and I completely removed him from my life. Deleted all pictures, email addresses, cell #'s, everything. I told him I didn't want to be friends with him. Someone once told me you never really get over somebody until you find someone else.

I guess I was hurt he found someone so quickly and I haven't found anyone since him. It hurt to know what he doesn't think about me anymore and moved on so easily. I've thought about maybe contacting him again so we could possibly be friends. But I don't know if I will regret that or not. It could be good or it could just make things worse. I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to fill the void. Any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 8:18am

"I still have constantly thought about him and feel I don't really have closure from what happened. I ended it abruptly and I completely removed him from my life. Deleted all pictures, email addresses, cell #'s, everything. I told him I didn't want to be friends with him."
That sounds like closure to me. After all, closure is something you create yourself. It's just another word for "acceptance".

Why would you want to be friends with someone who hurt you so badly? He sounds like an even worse friend than boyfriend. I don't know what you think will come out of contacting him but it's definitely not healing or good feelings. You'd just start the process of grieving again in order to assuage this curiosity you have about him. There's no way it could turn out well for you. You're upset that he never showed any commitment or real care for you, does that sound like someone who would make a good friend?

Just be glad he's long distance. It's okay to accept that you still have feelings for him, as long as you also understand that indulging these feelings by contacting him (especially now that he's in a relationship) is only going to end in heartache. You'd be setting yourself back more than a few steps by doing so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2010
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 8:32pm

I absolutely disagree with the other poster. First of all, closure has a lot to do with your feelings internally. Simply getting rid of his phone numbers in your cell and getting rid of pictures and whatnot is definitely not closure. Closure is something you feel inside, something that can't be done by just deleting anything to do with him.

No one can really tell you how to do anything, it's something you have to figure out yourself. Yes, we can give you advice to help you get to that point, maybe help you see things that you wouldn't normally see for yourself, but that's it.

You need to stop and realize that he truly did not love you like you loved him. Not calling you even once a week? How many waking hours are in a week? Come on! He's not worth your time and the only way you'll realize that is to understand that you deserve better. Until then you'll think of him when you see romance on TV, hear a sappy song on the radio, and when you see happy couples holding hangs and kissing in public. Why? Because you lost your virginity to him! A lot of people (but obviously not all people) feel a deep connection with their "first" that they can't get over. Your first sexual partner can be very special and it can mess you up and you'll make stupid choices... like the choices your making by continuing to think of this douche!

You're curious why it's so easy for him to move on. Well, for one he's a little up there in age and believe me when I say I'm sure he's had a good number of sexual partners. You were long distance and he wouldn't call you even once a week which is why he moved on so easily. You meant little to him and it's sad that you hold on to such a screwed up relationship.

How do you fill the void? Live your life? For crying out loud live your life and stop thinking of this douche. I travel a lot, mostly out of state to different amazing places, I eat out twice a month, have movie night with friends, have game night with my little brother, I volunteer at the local homeless shelter. The list goes on. There are ton of things to do to fill the void. If you're just sitting around your apartment/house thinking of him, watching sad movies that make you think of him, and sitting on your computer looking up his Facebook/MySpace then you need to recheck your priorities. Why are you alive? What is your purpose in life? What a waste of a life if that's all your focus your attention on.

Sorry if this was harsh but my god. Wake up! I wish women would stop letting sleazy men run their life, make their decisions, and rule their emotions.

Good luck.