mental issues with losing a lot of weigh

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
mental issues with losing a lot of weigh
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Thu, 11-13-2003 - 12:58pm
I know this sounds strange, because everyone in this society is so gung-ho about weight loss, but for the ladies who have fifty or more pounds to lose, do you ever feel uncomfortable or vulnerable or somehow sad when you really start losing it?

I know this sounds strange. I saw an interview with Carni Wilson, the one who was in Wilson Phillips and lost a ton of weight after having weight loss surgery, and she said that she went through a process of grief and would sometimes cry when she was losing weight. She said that people saw her a certain way and her personality was based on being the big one, and feeling like she was physically powerful, and she missed that. She said it was just emotionally difficult to adjust to the transformation and how differently people were treating her.

I know my weight loss isn't as extreme as hers, but my weight has gone up and down so much over the years. I know that I'm now at the point where men start looking at me again, and its just so bizarre to me. One day I'm almost invisible, and then I get to this one weight level where suddenly I notice men looking at me "that way" again. Its not even like men are hooting and hollering at me or being inappropriate, I just feel like they're seeing me as a sexual being again. Does that make sense? Or am I just nuts?

I'm not saying that I don't want to lose weight or that its bad, but I think that our society so glorifies the whole thing that people don't want to talk about the psychological adjustment.

 

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Avatar for shandc
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 2:16pm
I understand where you're coming from. I also don't have that much weight to lose...I've lost enough that I'm now in a healthy weight range and am working on the rest as vanity pounds, but it is definitely an adjustment.

I almost have a double-standard for myself. I'm thrilled with how my body is beginning to look, and can't wait to get to my final goal and feel fit and fabulous. However, there are guys on campus that I've passed every single day who have never said a word to me and all of a sudden I notice them looking at me now. The first thought to cross my mind is to be flattered, and the second is to be a little mad, like "What? I wasn't good enough for you to notice before, but 10 pounds later I am?"

I'm also a little nervous about seeing my guy again...we're in an LDR, and I won't see him until I'm much closer to my goal, and I've already lost weight since the last time I've seen him. He's always been attracted to me, and has never made me feel that he would like me to change my body, but I'm a little worried that if he is TOO excited about my new shape, I'll start wondering if he's just been hiding disappointment from me all this time. Does that make sense?

So, yeah, I have mixed feelings about doing this, but in the end I know it's the right decision.

Take care,

Teacher Shan

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 3:42pm

Yes, about the way men view you and value you when at different weights.

Maggie  

"Success is a journey, not a destination"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 6:39pm
Thanks for responding. I feel the same way about my husband. I don't want him to make too big of a deal out of it, and he's been really good about it. He's never said anything about my weight or made me feel like I was less attractive because of it.

Lately I've noticed that my double chin is getting smaller, and the other day we were out at a restaurant, and he looked at me and said "You have a really prominent jawline, don't you?" I guess that was his way of acknowledging that I've lost weight. haha.

Actually this might sound awful, but its completely true. I swear that there are cultural differences with different kinds of men. Like suddenly at one weight I get a bunch of attention from waiters in Mexican restaurants who only speak Spanish. I even had one African American male friend tell me that I shouldn't lose weight because I looked better when I was heavier!

Its like a switch flips on and suddenly white men like me again. ha.

I hope that's not a horrible thing to say, its just what I see.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 8:21pm


This is a really interesting subject. A few years back I lived in mexico, living this amazing life with people who where from all walks of life. I never looked in the mirror or spent two minutes thinking about my weight.

Now, I live in the states and work in a job, were there is immense pressure to look perfect at all times. That means thin. And now I spend every five seconds beating myself up about my weight, wishing I was thinner. And receiving hints from my employers to lose weight.

And yes in the two and a half years since I started my job, I have gained weight. So there is even more pressure because they hired a look, and I know they are dissapointed that I didnt keep it.

And then there is my boyfriend of two years. While he never says that I am FAT. If i moan about gaining weight he agrees with me that I have. And while he is very encouraging of me to lose weight, sometimes I think he doesnt quite get it. (exp. Why dont you buy jeans two sizes to small as incentive to lose weight). He does mean well, and constantly tells me I am beautiful, but I do also feel his dissapointment.

You know though I think for the guys it is more about us being happier. He knows I was happier when I was thinner, and I think he really just wants me to get back to that size, so I will be happier and not so stressed out about my job.

I agree with the cultural thing, my customers at work are of mixed origin and they constantly tell me they like how I look now. That I look good with some meat on my bones (god love them, I know they mean it as a compliment). And without offending anyone, it is my pure white employers who prefer the thinner me.

Sometimes it is just to stressful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 8:33pm
I agree -- it is amazing how much different you get treated when you are thinner. I still have a way to go (50 lbs), but even losing this 20, I have noticed differences in the way people treat me.

My husband always says he will love me no matter what --- but I don't believe him as he says it with words, and doesnt always show it physically where it might count.

It will be interesting when I lose all this weight to see how he acts.

Ellen

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 10:45pm
Luckily I'm working out of the home right now, so I don't have to deal with all the comments and everything from people at work.

That was also one thing I hated every time I lost weight, having people act like I was suddenly an acceptable person or like it was a miracle or something. The weirdest thing was one time my female boss told me that my butt was getting smaller. Maybe I'm just weird, but I don't like people makign comments about how I look, especially at work, especially about my butt, especially from my boss!haha!

I know that there are certain professions where being overweight at all is unacceptable, especially in jobs like sales. Have you ever seen an unattractive pharamceutical rep? They all look like models. Its sick.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-1999
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 1:09am

I agree that this is a very intriguing subject. I live in a very multicultural area, and when discussions about weight come up, backgrounds and perspectives are always a part of it. A friend and I were talking about the differences in what people Northern CA vs. Southern CA vs. Central CA find important to focus on physically. Each of us has lived in and has firends and relatives in each part of the state, and we found it interesting that we'd made some similar observations.


As far as weight and me go, after I lost about 20 pounds, some people have commented that I look liek I've lost weight. In the same conversation, others have asked me where the 20 pounds were, because they didn't know I'd gained or lost. My clothes told me, though, and well, that is what the true test is.


 

winter 2010 siggy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 6:37am
like I was suddenly an acceptable person or like it was a miracle or something>>

Ouch. Yes... that's it exactly.

For my folks, my weight seemed to be the one thing they fixated on. Good grades? Eh.. fine, but look how much you weigh. Solos in the choir? Eh.. fine, but look how much you weigh. Whenever I lose weight and my parents are around it feels as if they finally, FINALLY approve.

Here's the thing. I live 8 hours away from my folks at this point. They're coming on Tuesday to stay for a week. My hope and plan was to continue on this WOE without telling them what I was doing (because I don't want that dang-blasted praise) and to sneak my workouts at Curves. How sad is that? :-(

It amazes me that as an adult (40) woman with my own family... that they could still have such power over me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 6:42am
Everyones input here has been great. It makes me feel like I'm not the only one. I get a lot of looks being Hawaiian but since I gained weight not much attention from white guys. I'm married and happy so I don't really care about guys checking me out... but do you know that they act differently.. maybe with less manners? Like when I was skinny.. guys would go out of their way to open the door at the mall or just say "Hi" when I walk pass. Now it seems like guys are running me over in the mall.. or when I open a door to go through.. some guy cuts me off like I opened that damn door for HIM! LOL

I'm losing weight and some people notice. My husband is pleading the 5th. He doesn't want me to freak out if he's too supportive or not supportive enough. That's a little bad because if I want a compliment I have to ask. I feel mixed sometimes.. like maybe I should stay fat and happy, then I'll know if people really like me for who I am. Then I just want to be smaller so when people look at me, then don't JUST see the FAT.

I really hate that the world does put a lot of worth in being thin. But by being chubby I have seen both sides and I know what really matters. So does everyone else here.

Thanks for listening,

Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 11:59am

I've been the "gushing" friend, too.

Maggie  

"Success is a journey, not a destination"

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