separation due to husbands alcoholism

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
separation due to husbands alcoholism
32
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 8:44am
Hi there,
I am writing this post because I am going through a really hard time and it is nice to hear about other peoples stories that I could relate to. I am hoping if I post I could hear some more stories and get some information.
I am married to a wonderful charismatic man who has a drinking problem. We have 2 children a 4 year old and a 1 year old. I never really notice his problem till I became pregnant with our first child and it was a rude awakening that my husband could not be any support for me because he was always going out with his friends drinking. My husband doesn't have a problem where he is hiding it or waking up in the morning and drinking so it was sort of hard for me to refer to him as alcoholic till now. He doesn't drink everyday, but when he drinks he can't stop. There have been so many nights when my husband sits in our living room listening to music and stareing at the walls because he would rather drink till he passes out then go to sleep. My husband will find every excuse he can to meet one of his friends at the local bars. If I don't get a babysitter on the weekend I can just assume at some point in the night he is going to tell me he has to go meet someone at the bar. When I was pregnant with our second child he was out all the time till 3 or 4 am and I would just lie in bed and cry. When I had our second child it was on a friday so my husband was never at the hospital with me, he was out with friends both nights and and recovering during the day. months after I had the baby we tried to go out to one of our favorite bars when he let me know he wasn't allowed back in because he and his friends got kicked out while I was in the hospital and our first child was with my mother. It has been the craziest life when he tells me he is going to do an errand anytime after 7 I always have to worry about when he will really be home, because there is always someone he has to meet for a drink. This has been going on for so long. My final breaking point was last thursday. I was in bed very sick and my husband was out picking up take out (at a place that is walking distance from our house and has a bar) He was gone for 2 hours while I had to deal with my kids. Then the following night he went to one of our couple friends houses and passed out so he never made it home. The wife of the couple is my good friend so she called me to tell me, if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have known where my husband was all night. It is all just so hurtful, I spend too many nights laying in bed crying wondering where my husband is. We had a family vacation planned to leave yesterday sunday and I backed out. I have had enough. I did not go and also told him I want to seperate. He then just went nuts telling me it is all my fault because I don't do anything. And I am breaking up my family and it is my fault because of my incompetence.. which just doesn't make sense. Anyway, in his eyes he thinks it is all my fault. I have decided that I have to do this now before the kids are even older because it is only getting worse. I love my husband so much and he is a wonderful dad and a very loving husband when he is in his right mind but right now with this problem it just isn't working. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I think I have to. I am hoping that he will decide to stop drinking and if that is the case I will support him however I can. Anyway, I read in a couple of post people saying that there spouses or family members blamed them, is this a normal reaction. Is anyone else going through a similiar situation. I am having such a hard time right now, part of me wants to just forget it and live with this because I don't want to break up my family. Although I know I have to do this! I would love to hear your stories. Sorry this is so long! :-)



Lilypie Baby Ticker

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 10:57am

Hi and welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 11:17am
Thank you very much for your response. I am actually going to try an Alanon meeting tonight. I hear what you say and it helps in keeping me stronger in knowing I am doing the right thing as hard as it is. My only hope for him knowing he has a problem is that about a month or so ago he told me at dinner that he was going to quit drinking for a while because he could see it was a bit out of control. I didn't say much except that is great, because I was so happy he had decided this on his own and I didn't want to push for anything else... any way that lasted 5 days and since then he has been worse than ever. I think he knows he has a problem, I just don't know if he can do anything about it?



Lilypie Baby Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 7:33pm
Hi there and welcome. I am not in the same situation, but I am an alcoholic in recovery. I can tell you that HIS drinking is NOT your fault in any way, shape, or form. Alcoholics blame people, places, and things for their drinking every chance we get. It is part of the disease. Unless he decides to stop drinking, get help, and admit he is unable to stop without help, he will get worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and never gets better as long as the problem drinker is actively drinking.
Al-Anon will offer support and hope so that you can live your life to its fullest regardless of what he does or doesn't do. You don't have to make any permanent decisions right now, but whatever you decide to do, you are supported here and will be with Al-Anon. Keep coming back here - there are many people who understand your position and can offer suggestions and hope.
You are not alone,
Leslie
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2006
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 11:33pm

Hi,
WOW! We must be living parallel lives. I can absolutely relate to what you are going through. I am the mom of 3 kids ages 6, 3 and 1 and my husband is also a fabulous dad and pretty attentive partner when he is not drinking. Problem is, I never know when that will be and the times that he is drinking are causing so much damage to the relationship that I don't even know at this point if I can get the trust and love back regardless of what he does or doesn't do. Things for us also became really apparently bad during my 1st pregnancy. He has agreed that he has a problem and has even attended some AA meetings but nothing seems to stick. Recently, he too has started blaming me and RIDICULOUS situations (none having to do with him, of course) for his drinking. "I don't care about staying out all night and getting wasted because of your past" What??? Anyway, they have no clue and won't until they get out of their addiction so the only thing that you can do is take care of yourself and your children as though he is not even a variable. I remember sooo many nights of waiting and wondering just absolutely sick and hysterical and, truthfully, it never affected him one bit. I have now kicked him out of the house and the relief that I feel is fantastic. I didn't get there easily. I have a wonderful therapist and have read "Codependent No More" twice. Best book. Anyway, I was stuck for a long time wondering about the mental health of my children. I was so worried that they would just wither away with sadness if I left their dad, but they have been remarkably great since the split. They are more relaxed and really happy and are definitely following my lead about how to feel throughout all of this. I am not going to allow my boys to grow up thinking that this is what men do and I will not let my daughter think that this type of man is a great choice. I really hope that my husband will figure it out and come out of this strong for my kids but I can no longer be a part of it. Just take steps to make yourself stronger and the answers that you are looking for will become clear, I promise.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 8:21am
Mom- samoja,
Thank you so much for your post. I can't tell you how helpful it is right now. As I said in my post at the moment, He is out of the house. He is so mad at me for my decision that i haven't heard from him and I have no plans on calling him... but it is so hard not to just throw in the towel because for moments I start thinking I want my family together. Anyway, its so helpful to know that I am not alone! How long has your husband been out of the house? Have you asked him to stop drinking? Was it really hard at the beginning and then it gets better, because right now I keep second guessing myself and I start thinking maybe he isn't so bad and blah blah blah. I definitly don't feel relief right now?



Lilypie Baby Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 9:15am
Welcome mom_samoja1.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2006
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 9:36am
Hi there,
My husband has been out since August 7th. I absolutely know what you mean by the second guessing and thinking that "maybe he isn't that bad". I go through that too, but I know how miserable I was when he was here. Have you looked at the book "CoDependent No More"? I hate that label, but I think that there is some really valuable info in it. I also have a tendency to say things like, "maybe if he..." or, if only things were ..." but my therapist has been really great in getting me to deal with the reality of the situation and not the "shoulds" and "what ifs". When I start feeling sad now I think that I am mourning a relationship that I envisioned and wished that I had with my husband. The reality is that with his condition he CANNOT be the type of partner that I deserve and the type of father that my kids need. He has kind of stopped drinking, although I feel like now he has just incorporated recovery into his alcoholic cycle. I don't know...it is such a devastating thing because it seems like such a stupid thing for them to "choose" over their families. You can't change his behavior but congratulations to you for taking a stand and, at least, allowing yourself and your kids to have some sort of chance of a stress free life. I hope that your husband will get some sort of clarity and realize that you had no choice but to kick him out and maybe then you can develop some real dialog about your situation. Hang in there and try and learn from this journey. I know that sounds corny, but I have enjoyed my kids in a different way since I have not been putting all of this attention and anger towards what their dad is doing. That, to me, is definitley one of many (I hope!) positive things to come from the situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:27pm
Wow,
I am so glad I posted. You really are going through the same thing as I am. I constantly think how I would be a better mother if I wasn't stresses about what my husband is always doing. Thank you so much. I will pick up that book and hopefully it too will give me a little strength to stick to this and not give in to him!



Lilypie Baby Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 4:11pm

I know what you're going through as well. My husband didn't drink every day - sometimes only 1 time a week sometimes 3 times a week, but he always drank too much. I know the nights of sitting up, not being able to sleep, sobbing & wondering when/if he'll come home & how he'll be when he gets there so well! I'm so sorry that you're going through this, but take my hat off to you for standing up for yourself!

I lived with all that as well for about 14 years and finally moved with my two boys (6 & 9) on 7/1 to our own apartment. I can say that I am sooo much less stressed. I no longer sit up at night waiting & wondering & no longer have the intense anger and frustration I felt for so long.

Before I left I felt like I was angry at everyone all the time. I'd find myself snippy with my kids when they didn't deserve it. I was miserable @ work. I'd cry for no reason seemingly every day. I'd go out west to visit my family & couldn't even enjoy a vacation because I was always wondering (obsessing about) what he was doing at home. No more. People at work have told me there's a noticeable - more positive - difference in my demeanor. I feel so much happier. It's not to say my life is perfect. It's not, but it's way better than it was before leaving. I also wonder if I made the right decision. My husband has gone out maybe twice since I moved. I don't get why he's doing it now; now that he basically can do what he wants & not have to deal with me bi&%^ing. He says the only thing he worries about now is that I'll never come back home. I have no plans on ever moving back (haven't had the courage to tell him that yet). I can't do that again, can't do it to myself or my boys. Everytime we had problems & he promised to "get our lives back on track" it ALWAYS went back to him drinking & the two of us being miserable. I agree with mom_samoja1, I don't want my boys to think it's ok to do this to a woman or that this is "normal".

Co-Dependent No More really is a great book - so much of what's in there was me to a T. (I said Was....lol...don't get me wrong, I haven't been "cured" of my co-dependence, but I'm working on it a little every day)

Know that it does get a little easier each day. Remember this is your time to take care of you & your kids. Don't spend all your time stressing or thinking about what he is or isn't doing. You can't control him or his behavior.

Good luck!
Barb

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 8:39pm
Oh my goodness.. thank you so much. Seriously, this is so good to hear your stories, because it is me exactly and right now I need to know it will get better. So hard to not want to just get back together so my oldest daughter 4 doesn't wonder where daddy is.
Its comforting to hear your story, because I know I am not alone. I thought I was the only one who laid in bed wondering where he is and crying all alone. When you say the thing about going to visit your family the same is for me... I would go visit my brother and his family with the kids and the whole time wonder what he was doing at home.. and usually I left because i was fed up with him . Anyway I would obsess, making me feel again like I should just go back to him, because I thought I would always obsess even if I wasn't with him, so you are telling me it gets better when you separate? Its funny to hear you say that he isn't going out like crazy now when he doesn't have to "hear your bitching". I honestly would always say to my husband.. "why are you fighting me on separating.. why do you even care.. if we separate you can do what you love best and you don't have to come home to crying kids and a mad wife." I would say that because honestly I really wonder that. I think he wants the best of both worlds and I am not letting him have it anymore. Have you asked your husband to quit drinking for good? If he did that would you go back.. or is it just a never ending cycle? I wonder that for me? Thank you so much for your support. I need to hear how strong you girls are... it helps me to continue down this path! Believe me, I don't want my girls ever thinking it is ok to put up with this!



Lilypie Baby Ticker

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