The horrible guilt
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|Thu, 08-23-2007 - 2:48pm|
I've posted quite a bit recently. My meltdown and my determination to tell him to go the next time things come to a head with us.
But in ther interm I'm trying hard to cope and survive. My problem is the guilt. Wondering why he doesn't understand the problem? Why he can't see what he's doing?? why, why, why!!!! I know from reading these posts that its typical for the addicted spouse to blame others for everything but how do you get to the point where you quit blaming yourself too.
My H tells me that one of the reasons he drinks (EVERDAY) is because he is so unhappy at home. He says I don't talk to him, I never smile, I don't even look at him and it makes him feel worthless and depressed. And he's RIGHT I do those things.. So is it MY fault not just that he drinks but because our marriage is horrible? I mentioned that I've been working a lot (one reason is that he spends almost 1/2 his paycheck on alcohol each month) so we are always behind. In the past 10 days I have worked (between 3 jobs) 127 hours. Last night was the first night I hadn't worked a 2nd job in ages. I was tired, I am tired still. Anyway, I made dinner, did stuff at the house.. my H who took the day off sick (because he was tired!! what a slap in the face that is) didn't do anything all day. He did go to the bar though.. anyway, he falls asleep at 7:30 and at 9:30 goes to bed while i continue to clean the house etc. At midnight I go to bed. He wakes up and wants sex.. he wants me to rub his back, wants me to inititate everything while he lies there as usual. I said, I'm sorry, I'm really tired right now. He flipped out. I'm never nice to him anymore, I make him feel awful, I don't want him.. just on and on. I said honestly, even if things were fabulous between us I have just worked 127 hrs in a little over a week.. anyone would be tired. Then he asks why I'm always depressed, why I work all the time.. so I try to talk to him. I remind him that he drinks a lot of his paycheck and someone has to make up that money. That he doesn't even know how to cook, load the dishwasher or do laundry.. all of that falls to me. He doesn't clean the house or help with the kids.. cause that's woman's work and they are MY kids.. I said all you do is get off work go sit in a bar for 3-4 hours and come home. Saturday is much of the same and Sunday's he leaves the house at 10:00 goes to his mothers for lunch (which my kids and I aren't invited) then leaves there in the afternoon and drinks till he comes home about 6:00. then he says he's a bad person, thanks me for pointing out all his faults, says I hate him, says he wants to kill himself.. etc.
I HATE it.. just HATE it!!!! I just want to get in the car (with the kids) and just go.. I feel like I will never break free from him. He blames me for everything, wants to talk then when I talk he gets depressed, defensive and suicidal.
It just sucks the life out of you.. how does he make me feel guilty? people break up all the time, people leave sick and disabled spouses for no good reason other than they are sick of them... they don't seem to have any remorse or regrets.. Why can he make me feel just cruel and ugly??? What is wrong with me?????