Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Help
5
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 8:05pm

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. There have been at least five big incidents with alcohol which have thrown significant hurdles into our relationship. When he is with a particular friend he can't seem to say no to alcohol. He drinks to the point that his speech is slurred and he acts like a child. He becomes someone I don't know...someone I don't want to be with. Two weeks ago he got so wasted that he called me a bitch and a bastard and simply made me feel terrible. We talked for hours the next day and he wants to make changes. He realizes that this particular friend simply enables bad behavior from the past. Two days later he started seeing a therapist and he's been twice. Unfortunately last night he called with the same slurred speech after being out with his friend and his friend's wife. Tried to invite himself over and i told him no way. He lied by omission when he didn't tell me he was with them.

I've had enough. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of talking for hours until he has little epiphanies and sees the light but then does it again. I am happy he is seeking help from a therapist but I feel like he needs to distance himself from this friend otherwise what's the point. But he's been friends with this person for over 10 years. We were going to go the weekend without seeing one another so he could think about his priorities etc . I ended up calling him and he was with that friend! It felt like a slap in the face. It feels like he is choosing them/alcohol over our relationship. I am back and forth between feelings of guilt because I feel like I am making him choose between us and a long friendship. He's with him right now. I want him to get his stuff out of my apartment.

Am I blowing everything out of proportion? I'm leaving a lot of detail out. ten years ago i dated an alcoholic. I was in Al-Anon. Perhaps I need to return. I feel resentful that I'm here again. I feel a million different things. Any insight is much appreciated. Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
In reply to: rsk30
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 10:06pm
Thank you for your post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
In reply to: rsk30
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 7:59pm
HI- I was in the same exact situation you are currently in a short time ago. We were together for 8 months. I too was dating an angry alcoholic. He too would hang out with friends who are enablers/heavy drinkers themselves. I broke things off with him 8 weeks ago. I talked to him about his drinking and his rages when he was drunk. It didn't phase him. He told me that I insulted him because he had "cut down" from what he was drinking before me. I saw him consume 2 pitchers of beer by himself within a two hour period once. He would drink during the day, (he works from home) and then continue to drink at night. Usually by himself or with his enabling friends. I did and still do resent him. Alcohol was always more important to him than I was. I wasn't his girlfriend, I was his designated driver. I would be the one who would have to drive him and his friends either home or to the store, because he/they were always drunk. I NEVER got to have any fun. I was ALWAYS the responsible one. His anger mixed with the alcohol scared me to death. By the end, I was so afraid to say anything to him that may have set him off, I walked on eggshells. I know the alcohol doesn't cause abuse, but it sure doesn't help it either. All I can say is in a situation like this, you have to think about yourself and your future. Do you want to bring kids into this world with him as their father? Can you see yourself 10 years down the road with him with the current situation 10 times or 100 times worse than it is now. I found out after the breakup that some of the reasons his wife left him were due to his drinking and anger. I wish I would have known that earlier in our relationship. Good luck to you and hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
In reply to: rsk30
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 12:22am

It is difficult to separate your resentment from your past relationship from spilling into this one, I am sure, but it seems like maybe that is happening. I definitely think you should return to Al-Anon. It probably would not matter what friends he is hanging around with, but usually it doesn't help the siutation if he is hanging around the same person all the time, who isn't encouraging any positive changes.

Also something to consider, no man is perfect and every one of them is going to have faults you don't like, you just have to pick which faults you wants to live with. It sounds like to me like alcoholism (or even if it is just occasional unpleasant behavior while he is intoxicated) isn't a fault you can handle.

I will keep you in my prayers....
Jody

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
In reply to: rsk30
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 8:41pm

I would humbly suggest you trust your instinct to return to alanon...regardless of whether you stay with him or not.

It doesn't really matter what friends he is with - the problem is not with the friends he is with, the problem is his relationship with alcohol. Trying to "control" who he spends time with is really not up to you and will only leave you continually disappointed and build additional resentments when he repeatedly lets you down.

Take what you like, leave the rest...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
In reply to: rsk30
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 3:11pm
Welcome to the board.