I feel lost,bitter,I don't know what

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2007
I feel lost,bitter,I don't know what
5
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 4:22pm

Hi my name is Amanda and I am a 29 year old women who is in love with an alcoholic. We've been together for almost 7 years and I don't know if I can make it to our anniversary in 2 months. When we first got together it wasn't the wy it is now so I never had issues with his drinking. For the last 3 years it has gotten worse and worse. He is not a violent drinker but he is very anoying. Some people think he's hilarious when he's been drinking. He doesn't go out with his buddies that often, actually barely ever. He drinks at home after work. It's not just 1 or 2 it's like 5-6 drinks where there's half n' half (Rye-pop). No one knows how bad he is because he doesn't go out and drink. If it was only us I would have left long ago but it's not and this is where it gets complicated.

We have a 10 year old,5 year old and I am now pregnant with #3. I am a stay at home mom as he works to support us. I understand that because of the cost of living up here and the amount of pressure on him to provide a good life for us has it's toll on him. I just can't handle the drinking. I grew up with an alcoholic father and he still is today and I know how I felt towards him and all of the issues I had growing up. I dont want my children growing up this way and it's a;ready showing effects on them. We've talked and argued about his drinking before and he promised to get help and stop but always returned to dinking within the next week. I now know that he doesn't take me serious but I really can't handle it anymore. The part that scares me the most is him drinking this way when we have our baby. I didn't let my father hold my boys when they were babies if he had more then 1 drink. I can't imagine not having him and the baby bond after he comes home but I can't let him hold the baby after 1 drink as this was our rule with my father or anyone else.

I am tired of feeling like I have to babysite him everytime he drinks and that my kids have to watch him too. I have alot of resentment towards him and there is alot of hate and disappointment, I don't know what to do I am lost.

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 6:18pm
Hi Amanda and welcome here. If you have time to read through some of the other posts, you will soon discover that you are not alone in your struggle... there is much support here and solutions too.
I grew up in an alcoholic home, although my dad has been sober in AA for quite a while. Unfortunately, I also got the disease of alcoholism but the good news is that I found sobriety too, and life is infinitely better today. I have been on both sides of the alcohol fence and neither is a good place to be.
I strongly urge you to seek out Al-Anon in your phone directory and give them a call to locate some meetings in your area. I also went to ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and found it to be extremely beneficial. It won't change him, but it will give you a new outlook.
Alcoholism is a family disease and even though you are not drinking as he is, it does bother you and will affect your children. Al-Anon support is especially important and it will teach you how to cope - regardless if he is drinking or not.
While no one here will tell you to leave or stay with him, you will be supported in whatever you choose. You don't have to make a final decision right away - but take care of yourself first.
God bless - keep coming back!
Leslie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 8:35am

Hello Amanda,


Welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 12:24am

Hi Amanda, I have been where you are. I have a 6 and 3 yo . I stayed home during the day and took an overnight sleep shift in a group home so that i could be with my girls. I left my "Ass" ( thanks Beth for that acronym..lol) when my baby was 8mo. I had lost all respect for him and I could not trust him with the care and safety our girls. One morning i came home from work and my 2.5yo was standing outside on the deck ( at 7:30am) wearing nothing but underwear. She had opened the lock on the patio doors. (Now keep in mind that at the time we did not live in the most desirable area and had back alley access where anyone could have picked her up in an instant.) when I went into the house he was still sleeping and the baby was wailing away in her crib.

He had come off a drunk two nights prior and stupid me I left them with him because the drunk was 24hr before i had to go to work.. now I realize his pattern: drink, hang over, remorse and depression and sleep.

There were so many times he did not show up in time for me to go to work and i had to wake the girls up and take them to my mom's miles away and get to the other side of the city in time for me to be at work at 11pm.

Funny, today my 6yo said to me, "Mom i remember when you cried when we lived in that little green house. Daddy pushed you into the door, and I was 3 and I came out of my room and saw you crying." WOW! I had forgotten that incident and here we are 3 yrs later and my 6yo still remembers... I am so glad that my girls don't have to witness this C*** anymore. I returned to work FT, found an excellent daycare and now live in a lovely little house in a very nice town.

This weekend the "ASS" came over and took the girls for a walk for an hour before his tee time. Then he asked me for $20 and when I said that i didn't have any, his words to me.. and I kid you not were: "Keri how am I going to be able to afford cigarettes and golf?" Tears were actually rolling down my face from the laughter.. if it wasn't so sad it would actually be funny. The guy hasn't paid 1/4 of what he is court ordered to pay for CS. It felt so good to say, "Sorry I can't help you."

anyhow, I digress... you need to make a plan for yourself. Whether you stay or go.. just make sure that you have the support that you need around you.. be it financial, emotional or physical. You are going to be exhausted when this baby comes and hormonal too. And don't think for a moment that your husband won't let you down when you need him the most.. Mine always did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 4:41pm

I also have been where you are. My ex and I went through the emotional hell of his alcoholism for about 14 years. I finally got to my breaking point this past July and took my 6 & 9 year old boys with me to an apartment I found not far from where we lived. They still see their dad, and I'm fortunate in that he's a binge drinker (OMG did I just say I'm fortunate for that???!!! LOL) Anyway it is fortunate in that I know that I can trust him when he has the kids & feel comfortable that he won't drink while he has them.

Al-Anon is a really good support group. My ex actually just asked me yesterday if in the "Al-non classes you go to did they tell you leave your worthless drunk of a husband???". They totally don't tell you what to do! They help you learn to deal with all you're going through & from that you can make the decision that's right for you. He fluctuates with how he feels about my leaving. Some days he seems ok with it, but more frequently he gets into self bashing. Not sure if it's just manipulation. Like I almost wonder if he's lookiing to get me to say something nice.

My kids love our apartment. Given a choice they'd rather be in our 2 bedroom apartment than his 4 bedroom home. I think it's because I'm the one who's always been there. I'm the one they've relied on since they were born. If their dad wasn't working he was out drinking or sleeping on the couch (there was a period of time that EVERY time he was in the house, it was draped across the couch sound asleep). I also know they have to see how much less stressed I am - I used to cry all the time for seemingly no reason. I used to be so angry all the time that I'd yell at the kids even though they didn't deserve it. I'm a much happier person. This is the decision that was right for me.

My ex would promise to stop drinking too (actually still does in hopes that I'll move back). It's ALWAYS ended up with him drinking again. I'll never win the competition with his drinking. We spent so much time "getting our lives back on track". I just got to the point that I could no longer do it. He wasn't willing or able to change and I needed to.

I also recommend reading "Co-Dependent No More" by Melodie Beatty - it's a great book!!

Good Luck!
Barb

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 6:44pm
Being a 12 Stepper, I am persona non grata for Rational Recovery....but that nickname A$$ was so appropriate...coming from a former drunk!

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