how to quit if spouse drinks too

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
how to quit if spouse drinks too
8
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 5:39am

Hi,

I am a 38 year old alcoholic, and my dh is 49 alcoholic. We are together for 12 years, married 8 with 4 young children.

Dh has always been an alcohlic. I knew when I married him he was one, yet I too was drinking back then and pretty much that was how we have always known each othter. I didn't realise I was an alcolic until recently. He is in denial, but a very much alcohlic.

I would like to quit. It's funny how when you are pregnant you have the power to quit, so why is it so hard when you are not?

How do I quit when dh still drinks? He is not a violent drinker, not a party'er, not a mean drunk. He is a come home from work and have his drink while he grills, and after supper. He doesn't ever even look drunk. In fact, nobody would even guess he's had too much ever, except me, who knows him well. (And his mother).

I like to have a glass of wine or beer while we chat cooking supper too. I can stop, but then right before bed I like to relax with another beer or two while watching t.v.. Sometimes even three.

I have told him not to bring beer home, but he likes it too. I don't drink his other wine because it is awful. If the beer wasn't there, I could do it. I know I could.

I cannot go to AA. I know you will suggest that. I live far out in country and have noone to watch my kids. (Even dh, as you can see why).

Where do I start. I'll take and listen to any advice you give. Today is the day I will change for the better.

Thanks in advance,

Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 7:52am

Hi Marie


Welcome! I am sorry that you live so far out that you can't get to AA. I would suggest that the first thing you need to do is determine which is more important, your kids or alcohol. Now the reason I say that is because even though most days I don't drink because I am important, there are days when I don't drink because I love my kids THAT MUCH. (Can you see how wide apart my arms are? LOL) You said you could stop when pregnant, so stop for your kids. Make sense???


The other thing is, have you called to see where meeting are? I understand far out in the country, but you may be amazed at how close one might be. Also, my girls started going to meetings with their Dad and I when they were 7 days old.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 12:53pm

Hi Marie,


You pose a very valid and needed question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 1:06am
I have only been sober for the last 13 months. I am only sober today because 1. Gog 2) Fellowhsip of AA 3) the steps. My wife continues to drink and smoke pot. I will come home from a meeting and she is finishing up a bottle of wine and had just smoked pot. This happens all the time. I am still sober despite this. I am not the only one who has done this either, there are many in AA have stayed sober under similar, and even worse circumstances. YOu can do this if you want to. All you have to do is decide you want to be sober and be willing to do anything ao achieve sobriety. Regualr attendance at AA meetings and the participation of the fellowship of AA will provide you the tools to do this. However, if you do not go to AA mtgs you will likely be stuck exactly where you are now doing the exact same thing you are doing now. There should be meetings within 30 minutes of your house. Best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 6:07am


Thank you for your comments everyone.

I realise how much you all stand behind AA. I really cannot go in the evenings at all. My children are very young, (7 down to 7 mos.) and they go to bed VERY early. I cannot drag them all there, 30 min away or whatever it may be, and back at night.

I will however check out the lONERs board on AA as to someone's suggestion. That would be perfect for me.

Last night I told dh that I am going to quit. He laughed and tried to pour me a beer. Then I took the kids outside to ride bikes and walk the baby. After supper I took the kids back outside. I don't think dh likes to drink alone. But I can't be around him. I will have to keep busy.

I also took another persons perspective on the board. I do LOVE MY KIDS more! I have to keep saying that in my heart.

I have a wedding to go to this weekend. But I am designated driver. And thank goodness I love coffee too!

I hope it gets easier after the first couple of days.

Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 6:58am

Hi Marie


Yes, it gets easier after the days go by. I do understand not getting to meetings, although I wish you could. Glad you will check out the loners. We will be here, no matter what, okay.


Oh, you might want to make sure you have something sweet around...alcohol has sugars and your body will want that. It helps the cravings.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2006
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 2:01pm

LOL. Whenever I feel like "tonight's the night....I'm gonna raise some hell" I immediately make myself the DD. It works EVERY time for me.

Good luck.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 11:13am

What a great place to be...making a decision to change your life like this (no one does it alone).

Not all AA meetings are in the evening... IMHO from what I have seen and heard from friends in AA and Alanon, if you need a meeting and you have to bring your kids...bring them. Others will help you. I think that is often a stumbling block for many of us...asking for help. Do you have any family or friends who you could consider asking to help you out?

Also, while AA would help you with keeping your disease arrested, consider seeking alanon for dealing with life/your relationship with your DH who continues to use. Some alanon meetings have child care, and those that do not - if you just need to go...go - ask for help, program people will help you.

Take what you like and leave the rest...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 8:10am

Hi Marie,


I have abused alcohol in the past, but no longer. It has been 4 years for me. My h still drinks, EVERYDAY. He use to smoke pot several times a day. Now it's more like once a month. He had to quit b/c he was getting drug tested at work. Now it's random.


I really like what Beth said. If you can quit while pregnant, you can do it for life. That's what I did. I did it for me and my kids. Someone has to give those kiddies a good role model. Oh, and BTW, I did it without attending any AA meetings, BUT used many of those principles. When you have a moment of "clarity" and see into the future, it can really help keeping it real.


Stay here and listen. It will help you like it helped me....


Jolene

Jolene


Jolene