How do I know if H isn't drinking

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
How do I know if H isn't drinking
11
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 10:52pm

Long story short, my H started drinking at a young age...used to be able to handle a lot and about 2 years ago, he had few episodes where he drank until he had no clue what he was doing and no recolection of it the next day. He is military, he had an affair his last deployments and swears up and down had he been sober it would have never happened. He is once again deployed...I decided to give him a second chance on our marriage. He talk with someone while he could before he left, but he doesn't really believe he has an issue. He asked me what I needed him to do to save our marriage, I told him if he couldn't stop at 2 drinks...dont' drink at all. He's account hasn't really shown excess charges, which is what tipped me off last time that he was just drunk the whole time he was gone. Tonight however I check our account and he's spent more in one day than usual this time, I haven't heard from him in about 24 hours, I'm sick and I know that normally he would called by now....so my first thought is that he got himself drunk. I don't know what to do I have no way to contact him and have to just wait, so I've been crying for hours now...because I have this gut feeling that I'm right and he got sloppy drunk again...and another part of me feeling bad for doubting him. I love him and I want our marriage to work, but I can't live like this anymore and don't know how to tell him that. He either has to admit he has a drinking problem and get help for it...or he'll likely lose me and our kids in the end. I don't want to leave him when he needs support the most, but how much can I take. I'm going through health issues right now and I've been raising our 2 small children by myeslf for almost 2 years now....due to deployments and his choice of separating after his affair.

I feel like I'm driving myself crazy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 11:13pm

Welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 12:57am
great comment, definitely take the advice of swt............I wish you the best of luck. No as alcoholics we often have difficulty telling the truth. Especially when it comes to drinking we RARELY tell the truth. I was able to be honest with my wife about everything while I was drinking EXCEPT the drinking stuff. I would lie about how much I drank, what I drank, where I kept booze stached in the house etc. I Cannot even ever fathom telling my wife I would only have two. Based on your post, it sounds like this person is drinking again. If he is an alcoholic (and only he can decide that) total abstinence is the only solution. You can only decide what you will live with and who you willl live with you will not be able to change this person. Best of luck and God Bless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 7:12am

Hi Petalpink!


Welcome to the board! I am Beth, an alcoholic. I am sorry you are going through health issues and sorry that you are so stressed. Having a spouse deployed is hard enough, without wondering about drinking and fidelity.


Please know that we are here for you, but I also know you need face to face help. Start with your doctor. Whatever health issues you have are not going to be helped


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 7:17am

You know, I don't think we answered your question. "How do I know if H isn't drinking?" The answer is "you don't." The worrying about it can drive you crazy, which you don't need.


Please distract yourself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 7:34am

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I can totally identify with that! The worrying, the wondering, the scrutinizing - those are the things that have affected me, even more so than the drinking. I have suffered very little from my husband's drinking (no abuse, no financial disasters, no disappearances) - but the associated behaviors (the sneaking, the lying) have nearly destroyed my sanity.

I'll echo what the others have said - try Al-Anon! I know it's not easy to get to a meeting when you have children to look after, but you'll be amazed at how much it helps. I went to my third meeting last night, and I'm hooked. It is a great group, and it feels so good to realize how much support is available to me.

Good luck to you.

-Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 11:38am

(((HUGS)))

May I gently suggest you consider alanon? It will give you the tools to sort through all of this, regardless of whether he is drinking or not - not to mention you would hugely benefit from the support from others who already know exactly what you are dealing with.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease that doesn't stop with the alcoholic...it seeps into the rest of the family too. There are only two ways out...arresting the disease (really only a decision that the alcoholic can arrive at) or death (by any number of means)

Take what you like, leave the rest...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 5:34pm

Hi Petal Pink,

I am and have been right where you are, except thank goodness my adh is not in Iraq. I try to think of my adh's drinking in one of two ways to cope, one I detach and work on myself via Al-anon techniques. Meetings are not convenient for me or at good times. I have read literature and discussed a lot of al-anon steps online. We used to have an ivillage board just for that "Dealing with an Alcoholic" but they closed it and now we are here.

Two, I think of his episodes as perhaps one step closer to rock bottom. If my adh gets another DUI in the next four years, he will face jail time. So, if that's what it takes, than that's what it takes. Perhaps that will get him to realize he cannot drink at all. My adh is responsible, reliable etc but the 1 or 2 times a week he drinks, he must get drunk and or act immature. He is 44!!! And was sober for nearly 15 years, or most of our relationship. What I have come to realize is that his being an A will always be with us, whether he is drinking or not. If I had financial means (or a job with benefits) to leave, I would be thinking more seriously about it, because I realize now he may NEVER quit so I have to decide how I am going to proceed with my life.

Hugs to you,
Joanne

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 11:55pm

Hey Joanne


Good to see you! How be thecoolteach?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 4:43pm

Hi,


I am back to work, and pretty exhausted. Things are the same, as they have been for awhile. My adh doesn't drink everyday, but often enough to annoy me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 11:26am
((((Joanne))))

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