NUMB to emotion, Alcoholic Husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2007
NUMB to emotion, Alcoholic Husband
26
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 11:49am

Hello.

Mary

"You can always tell a real cowgirl; the bullsh*t is on the outside of her boots!"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2006
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 3:00pm

I wanted to comment on the last part, about the house. I am sorry you are going through this right now but you are not the only one. Out of my circle of friends, 3 couples are in trouble due to addiction to drugs/alcohol. Out of those 3, 2 recently built their dream home. The other couple did extensive remodeling to make a dream home. My guess is that they were all 3 looking for a way to stop the pain. 2 of those couples are separated. The other has a rocky marriage.

Anyways, I just thought it was interesting that you, too, built a dream house with an addict and now it's not working out. Very sad, indeed and I know a little of your pain through my friends' troubles.

I hope the best for you. You will find great support on this board. Everyone here is fantastic.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 5:16pm

Hi Mary,


I am so sorry you are having to deal with this....I hope there is someone here that will say something to help you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 7:28pm

Hi there and welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Sat, 09-22-2007 - 12:15am

I know EXACTLY what you are SAYING about the SLUR!!! Oh I KNOW. It is all too familiar.

This is the strangest thing that happened to me. But the last time he got drunk ... it was SO WEIRD ... but all I felt was compassion. And not like I think I'll stay or sacrifice my happiness ... but I told him this. I said, "I need to get my own place. I just need some space and YOU need to see this through. Wherever it is going to take you."

I told him I Loved him. I will ALWAYS ALWAYS love him. And I'll be there when he needs a friend. I'll be there if he needs some one. But I'm young yet ... not unattractive. I still have the chance to be happy.

Of course ... here I am. He's sober. We're OK. for now. I dunno. I'm sure it's going to be a wild ride ahead of us. I'm working on Me.

I know your heart is broke :-( People let you down. People that are closest. Start believing in YOU. Know that your life can still be happy. I can't say if that means you need to leave or not. I'm still here ... and I have no clue if I'm making the right decision.

Here's one thing that helps. Start keeping documentation. Write down what he's doing - drinking on his own - this isn't social drinking anymore! Driving while intoxicated? Drinking at 10am? Keep record of it! Let him KNOW when it's not OK. Let him know, "I love you, but this isn't social drinking anymore!"

I am still figuring this out as I go - so I give the best advice I can. I hope some of it helps. We are all figuring this out ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Sat, 09-22-2007 - 12:16pm

Dearest ridintuff,


First, welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2007
Sat, 09-22-2007 - 11:09pm

Mercyblu,


"Let me also tell you that my DH is one of the dearest men I have ever known - not just to me, but pretty much to anyone who knows him.

Mary

"You can always tell a real cowgirl; the bullsh*t is on the outside of her boots!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Sun, 09-23-2007 - 3:51pm
In your last paragraph I read and feel your pain, desperation, and hopelessness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Sun, 09-23-2007 - 4:22pm

Hello ... this is the part that is sticking out to me:

"Eventually, I fell out of love with him - and yes, emotionally numb where he was concerned. I basically checked out. I detached in a very unhealthy manner (I just didn't care anymore -about anything) and decided (it wasn't really a fully conscious decision at the time because I had become sick and didn't realize it) to take care of myself because I didn't think he would ever be able to. I went back to school and "ran away" (twice) to Europe to study and work."

I am SO THERE! And I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I have been talking a lot (and thinking a lot) lately about going on a trip to India (to study and work). I know the point of this is to "Let Go" and not Control, not be co-dependant. But just exactly how do I DETACH without DETACHING completely?

It's very difficult for ME to consider myself co-dependant. I've always considered myself a very STRONG woman. One who Needs No man ;-) I have my own life, own interests, own friends.

I think I am going through the process of letting my husband Go. Although - I dunno. I might continue to stay in this house and live in this city and continue on as things are ... but my heart is trying to get to the point where I can be Happy, whether he drinks or not.

Is that the point?

I don't think that will mean that I allow hard-liquor in the house. I have drawn a line at beer. It seems to help. Obviously, he can get hard-liquor other places (and he does) but it seems to cut down on the times when I have to come home to him drunk.

Maybe I just stay because it is more Comfortable to stay than to go? Maybe this is the easy way?

I don't know ... but I'd like to hear more about your journey and running away to Europe. I'd like to run-away too!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2007
Sun, 09-23-2007 - 7:44pm

Mercyblu,


Your prayers would be greatly appreciated.

Mary

"You can always tell a real cowgirl; the bullsh*t is on the outside of her boots!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Sun, 09-23-2007 - 9:27pm

Hi...


Well...the part of my post that stuck out for you was the "I'm still sick and have NO idea what is really happening or even the slightest realization that I had become a woman I did not recognize - making decisions based on my now old coping skills, and to be honest - I probably sounded a lot like you now.

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