So I've been told

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2007
So I've been told
12
Fri, 10-26-2007 - 5:35pm

I know there is nothing I can do about my dh's drinking (or smoking for that matter). But that just frustrates me. We have been through a lot together, we are both in our 50's, married to each other for over 30 years. Our only daughter is away at college, and it doesn't look like she will ever be back.

DH says he is burnt out and his job is killing him. He turns to me for life advise but since I feel pretty crappy myself I can't be of much help. He won't see a psychologist or try to get outside help in any form. I can't just leave him, I have never really worked, and I don't have any friends. I try to keep a positive attitude, but I'm getting tired of hearing him gripe. My dad was an alcoholic, so maybe I'm just being too sensitive about his drinking. He drinks LOTS every night, but always manages to go to work everyday. His health is starting to fail, part of the reason for that is his heavy smoking. I've told him over and over to at least look for something else, but he won't listen. I feel pretty hopeless, just sitting here watching his health deteriorate. And when he drops dead, I'll be all alone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Fri, 10-26-2007 - 6:07pm
Hi and welcome to the board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 10-26-2007 - 9:09pm

Hi there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Fri, 10-26-2007 - 9:46pm

HI there,


Most definitely try Al-anon. It is a great program for coping and making you realize how you have probably isolated yourself from other's due to your husband's drinking.


The times I have attended there were wonderful "old timers" there offering support, friendship etc. Sometimes, they all go out to eat after meetings (I could never go because I had a small child) and were the nicest ladies. You need to work on you...you sound depressed from your post. Take care of you, because no matter what WE do, we cannot influence an addict's decision to get/stay sober. It is a hard pill to swallow but I have learned...


You deserve friends, happiness! I sympathize with the smoking, my mother killed herself with it (had to be shut off life support in her early 60's) and it's giving my dad all kinds of problems right now. It is way more addictive physically than alcohol, in my opinion. There are patches etc..that help someone quit. But it is so frustrating how in this country we consider

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Sat, 10-27-2007 - 11:28pm

Welcome to the board...


You actually can do something about your DH's drinking (and smoking), but its just not what you think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2007
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 10:09am
Thanks a lot for the feedback, but several things stop me from seeking out al-anon. I have thought about it. I live in a small town, well away from a close meetings. I have a phobia about driving, especially at night. I would have a difficult time keeping it from DH since I never go anywhere and usually tell him what I do. I do have one friend, I'm married to him, and so I tell him everything, and he tells me everything. I've told him how much his drinking disappoints me, and he feels ashamed. I have told him that I think he will drop dead from his bad habits and his stress. He says that he knows he needs to quit drinking and smoking, but can't bring himself to want to. He hates psychologists and thinks their nosy, makes fun of people who see them even. I think going al-anon meetings would just make a bad situation worse. Does anyone know of an al anon forum or something? That I could do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 11:48am

IMHO, nothing can replace the fellowship/friendship and support offered at a live alanon gathering.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2007
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 10:40am
I know I posted a response before, but I'll try again. I've looked for al anon, no foreums, only a phone number. Tried locating a meeting place to only find that the closest one in 100 miles away. "Go to al anon" is the only answer I ever get. I'll admit I am scared--but not of al anon, of driving. I have been to counseling for other stuff and respond well to it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 1:27pm

Just want to let you know that I understand where you are coming from.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 3:13pm
I do understand that Alanon just might not be close around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2006
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 9:00pm

I just did a Google search using both of the words alanon and online and found many references to real-time online alanon chats and email alanon groups.

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