Could use advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2008
Could use advice
Sun, 07-27-2008 - 11:10pm

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I am at my wit's end with my boyfriend and could really use some advice and help. I've been with my boyfriend for two years. He's not the father of my daughter but we got together while I was pregnant and he has raised her as his own. I am now pregnant with his baby though. I am an adult child of two alcoholics, I know the signs of having an addiction and I know my boyfriend has a problem. When we first started dating it wasn't too bad and he would only drink while we were out with friends. Then it kept getting worse and worse. About a year ago after drinking at the bar all night he came home and we got into an argument. I was mad that he was drinking while I was home with the baby all night. It's something that had been going on for awhile. To make a long story short he was trying to keep me from checking on my daughter and pushed me while I tried to go through the doorway. Then he walked me to the back door, grabbed me by the neck and tried to push me outside. I wasn't going anywhere without my daughter. I remember letting out a scream that I had never heard before. To this day it haunts me.

Fast forward to now. I'm to my halfway point in pregnancy and about to walk out the door. He has been drinking almost every single night for the last 3 weeks. Then when he's sober he's the friendliest person you can imagine. He's a great dad to my daughter and plays with her and watches her while I go to work. He insists on going to every single one of her doctor's appointments and mine. He's excited about the baby's arrival and planning everything. But once the sun goes down and he has a couple drinks he turns into someone else. Someone that I don't like to see. I hate the hiccups, the breath, the stuttering, the tripping, and the way he just doesn't give a crap. I started to not say anything for awhile thinking it would just go away and maybe he'd cut back if I didn't care. Nothing works.

Oh, I should also mention he totaled his car back in January from hitting a parked vehicle on his way home from the bar. The only way he covered his butt was to flee the scene and he got a slap on the wrist for hit skip and run. After that he didn't drink for 6 weeks. I can't express how happy I was for those 6 weeks. And it was during that time that we conceived our baby. I love this baby to pieces but I feel so bad for bringing him into this house the way things are. I'm not emotionally stable because I have a break down every time I see beer in this house or he comes home after drinking. I'm so sick of crying and ripping my heart out.

Tonight he went to drink after work and didn't tell me. He showed up an hour after he had texted to say he was on his way. I was about to leave to see if his body was splattered across the highway. We got into a fight and he left and brought home an 18 pack. I was furious and took it out on him. I opened the case of beer and let all 18 cans fall to the floor and walked away to feed my daughter. He was so angry he reminded me what happened a year ago then pulled the kitchen chair out from under me. I almost fell to the ground but was able to stabilize myself. He then started shouting and my daughter started to cry. I picked her up then he blocked us from going through the door. I can't believe he almost hurt me again.

I want to get help. I want to work on things. I want therapy and I want him to go. I'd like to go to Al-anon but I have nobody to watch my daughter for me so I can go. I don't want to admit to my family that I'm going or ask them to watch her. He refuses to get therapy because he thinks it's all me. He thinks it's my problem and I'm trying to control him. I know he's a wonderful person underneath the alcohol. I've seen it and I love that person. I'm so scared I won't ever see that person again. I'm so scared to raise 2 children on my own with two different fathers. I'm just so scared of everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Sun, 07-27-2008 - 11:35pm
First and foremost, welcome to the board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2002
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 10:15am

Hi, I'm Deb, welcome to the board.


"OMG, I got engaged, the world will never be the same!...."


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 11:16am



I rarely say this, because it is not my place, but you need to get away from this man. Anyone, ANYONE who tries

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2008
Tue, 07-29-2008 - 9:01pm
Thanks, all of you. Yesterday was a better day but today I had to go to work. A coworker asked me what was wrong because she could tell I was "off" and I broke down in tears. I explained what happened and she just hugged me. It made me feel a lot better to get it out. But I work with my boyfriend and she works with him tomorrow and now I'm scared she'll say something to him. I'm so scared to leave and so scared to stay. It's kind of a lose lose situation and I hate it.