Was it just me or were they out of line?

Avatar for kweenie97
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Was it just me or were they out of line?
4
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 6:24pm

First let me say, I'm really happy I found this board. I had major frustration yesterday and ended up venting it on a Weight Watchers board I belong to. Big mistake in my opinion but I guess I'm trying to figure out if I was being way to sensitive or if other posters were over the line.

The gist of it was that I've been bothered by DH's excessive drinking and late nights more and more lately. Wednesday night DH was drinking and had said he would go to bed with me at 3am (I work second shift but had time off this week) and when the time came he said no, he was going to be up at least another 2 hours. I should mention here because I didn't before that DH has had chronic insomnia since he was a teen. I was upset and he was trying to make it up to me by saying he'd clean the computer desk which was his mess anyway. His idea of cleaning ended up being sweeping everything into the trash, including my bankbook, one of my x-ray markers, and my spare iPod cord. So I was upset about the night before but finding those things in the trash REALLY got me steamed. My computer was the nearest outlet so I posted to get it off my chest.

There were a few immediate responses of support, including one woman who's been married to an alcoholic for 30+ years and offered her email address for a private conversation. It quickly went down hill from there. The rest were people saying how many red flags the saw and to get out or get help. Then the get help got dropped all together and somehow a number of things were inferred by my phrase "excessive drinking", including DH couldn't hold a job, was belligerent, was probably up all night doing coke, AND surfing for porn online. ?!? When I responded saying that none of those things were true and DH really IS good person, somehow I was backpedaling.

Was it just me or was the board out of line? Don't get me wrong, I know that the way things are now is not good but there are a lot of good things about my 5 year marriage that I'm not willing to throw away at this point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 7:31pm

Well that must have been quite a thread!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2002
Sat, 10-04-2008 - 12:06am

Hi, my name is Deb and welcome to the board.


 


"OMG, I got engaged, the world will never be the same!...."


&nbs

Avatar for kweenie97
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Sat, 10-04-2008 - 12:47pm

Hi Heidi,

Thanks for responding. Yes, it turned into quite a thread! There certainly was not a lot of support or understanding that I was trying to vent. My husband's situation is certainly unique and I guess that's part of why I try to have more understanding. He was adopted at birth and then physically and emotionally abused by his adoptive mother. He became a ward of the state around age 16 after suffering a closed head injury in a car accident and his hospitalization lead to the discovery of the abuse. He's 38 now but from talking to people that knew him when he was younger, he's always been fairly heavy on the beer. Because of everything that's happened in his life, he obviously has issues not only with drinking but a Peter Pan complex of sorts. He says he'll become an adult when he's 40. :o) But the combination makes for an incredibly frustrating time for me trying to get him to be responsible. And yes, I knew this going into the marriage.

I think the thing that bothered me the most about the responses simply saying to leave him or boot him out was that I made a commitment five years ago when we got married. Better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and in health. My father had a one night affair on my mom about 3 months before we got married. DH and I had a number of long talks about what marriage means to us and that this was for good, not just a hopefully things work out kind of thing.

As far as him with the sleeping....basically, he feels like the alcohol stops his mind from racing so he can fall asleep. Or at least that's part of it. He does not drink during the day, rarely before 9pm for that matter. But it's definitely become a crutch for him. I've tried to get him to understand that he may think he's sleeping better with it but he gets up soooo many times in the night to go to the bathroom that he really isn't sleeping all that much. Plus he wakes me up when he does it!

I have tried to talk to him about his drinking before as well as talk to him about how my previous experiences play into it. But honestly, he can't talk openly about stuff and what little he does say is basically that it's something that's going to just have to click for him to do this.

*sigh* Sorry, this turned out really long. Thanks for listening and responding to me.

Avatar for kweenie97
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Sat, 10-04-2008 - 1:00pm

Hi Deb,

Thanks for responding. When I was with my ex BF who was so abusive, I didn't know how or who to reach out to either. I was quite young - I was with him while I was 18 until I was 21. Leaving him was very freeing and a huge weight off my shoulders. In fact I had fantasized about it a good 6 months or more before I actually did it.

But it's different with DH. He's very loving and supportive. He just doesn't seem to understand how much it frustrates me that he drinks in the quantities that he does. And honestly him failing to be as responsible as he should is something that goes on when he's not drinking, but it's worse when he does.

I am glad I found this board. I don't know if I'd be up for Al-Anon in person but I'll certainly keep it in mind. Thanks so much for your response, I really appreciate it! :o)