Update and Recovery Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2008
Update and Recovery Question
6
Mon, 10-13-2008 - 2:14am

It's been awhile since I posted about finding out my DH is an alcoholic. 2 and a half weeks ago I decided to move out for awhile. It was a hard decision to make and one I made out of anger rather than rational thinking. DH has not had a drink in over a month and he is going to AA and therapy. Other than not drinking he wasn't making much of an effort to do anything else though until we left. I'm very proud of him for trying to recover from this disease and I hope we can come home soon. I'm just so scared. I'm scared of the future and I know this is going to be a life long recovery process and it is just very daunting to me right now. I go back and forth with feeling like I made a good decision to leave. A part of me feels like it was the only way to really let him know I was serious - that I would not raise our kids with him drinking. And another part of me feels like I abandoned him when he needs me the most and I just want to run home and make things right. I know I can't make him recover though - he has to want to stop drinking and go through the steps himself. I'm just more confused than ever right now. I'm no longer angry with him. Having time away has helped me to really think about things and understand a bit better about what is going on but I feel in a way like I am losing him now. He is so distant and doesn't really want to talk to me. I feel like he is pushing me away and it hurts so bad. I guess I just want to try to understand his recovery and what he is going through so I dont take it personally. I feel so alone and I miss him terribly and now that I left I'm so confused about when I should go back home. How will I know its the right time? I also am 20 weeks prego and due in February so I feel pressured into "fixing" things fast. I feel so out of control right now. I am going to therapy myself and it is helping. DH finally had his DMV hearing Friday and lost his license for a year from his 2nd DUI and I'm also feeling so guilty that I'm not there to help him get places. I feel like I've abandoned him and I'm so confused if I've made the right decision. Everyone else seems to think I did. But DH was never abusive (except for that thursday night that i caught him outright), he never appeared to be drunk (although he admits now that he was every day), his personality had changed but he was still a good person over all. He may have abused alcohol but it was never a scary thing in our house which is why I feel so conflicted. I left because I was depressed and angry about what was going on and my 2 boys were suffering because of my attitude so I decided I needed to take care of me and of them first. I feel horrible because I am currently living with my parents 6 hours away from DH so its not like he can see the kids often. I hate keeping them apart. I feel like I've messed up somehow.

Anyway what I really came here to ask was for help understanding DH's recovery. What he may be going through and what I might expect for the future. I know its pretty much anyone's guess as to what the reality is but any insight would be helpful to me right now.

Thanks!

Hope~Courage~Faith~Strength!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Mon, 10-13-2008 - 7:46am

Thank you so much for the update!!!!!


For what it is worth, from a former drunk, you are doing the exactly right thing. In all cases of an alcoholic stopping abuse of alcohol, there had to be some kind of kick in the pants!


You know, standing on his own two feet is actually good for him. It helped me to do the little things.


About recovery. First, every one's is a little different. I went to AA faithfully, as many times as I could while holding down 3 jobs. Emotionally, I was a mess. I had stuffed so many emotions, I didn't know what I was feeling. It took me about 8 months to find someone in AA I could trust to ask what I thought were stupid questions. She is still my sponsor.


The best thing to do with his recovery is to leave it alone. That doesn't mean be a doormat. If he is cranky, by all means, in a loving way, tell him that you appreciate him, but not his crankiness. You might want to check out AlAnon or some AlAnon literature.



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Mon, 10-13-2008 - 3:11pm
It wasnt until everyone quit "helping" me that I finally did something for myself....ditto on everything Beth said.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2006
Mon, 10-13-2008 - 3:55pm

Why don't you ask him what he's going through?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2008
Mon, 10-13-2008 - 3:59pm

I have several times but he won't open up to me and a part of me understands that and another part of me is severely hurt but that.

Hope~Courage~Faith~Strength!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 8:44am

I feel like I've abandoned him and I'm so confused if I've made the right decision. Everyone else seems to think I did.


Please don't let other's influence your decisions.

 

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 3:30pm

If you have not considered it