No clue what to do... again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
No clue what to do... again!
10
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 12:36pm

Hello,


I wrote in this forum a couple weeks ago about struggling with a friend who is an alcoholic. In short, I have not spoken to this friend in months since I told her that she needed to get serious help for her problem. I stopped contact with her because she continued her very destructive behavior. I had been thinking about writing her a letter.


I just found out from a mutual friend that this girl got drunk over the weekend and asked someone to take her to rehab. This seems to me like just another one of her ploys for attention which happens often when she is drunk. She becomes the "victim" of something and is (almost like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum) impossible to ignore. Apparently someone did take her -but when they got there she was too drunk to be admitted. apparently your bac can't be above .08 AND they said it was so high the rehab center said it would take her 12 hours to get down to the approved level. 12 hours! I haven't heard much except that she plans to enter rehab in a few days. While I want to be happy for her and support this move, my instinct tells me that she won't take it seriously. I also worry that this friendship has become too toxic and may not be worth persuing even once she is out of rehab. But thinking these things makes me feel like a bad friend. I do not know what to do at this point. I don't know if I should go visit her or even what I should say or do while she's there and once she gets out. Even though this is a potentially good step in the right direction for her, I can't help resent her for all the destruction. I am at the point where I don't even want to talk to her now or after she gets help. I don't think our friendship will ever be the same and for some reason I feel guilty about this. Am I being an insensitive friend? What should I do?


Thanks in advance for your thoughts and advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 12:49pm
You don't have to do anything right now. When in doubt I wait for someone to ask for my help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2006
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 1:15pm

Well, by entering rehab, she did what you asked. She's getting help. I guess you could get back in contact with her and tell her how proud you are of her. It doesn't matter if you believe her or not at this point. Your condition was that you won't contact her unless she gets help.

Give her a call.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 2:34pm

You are right - I insisted that she get help but my intention was that she get help for the right reasons (ie - that she wants to get sober). She didn't enter this rehab thing thoughtfully - she got wasted and demanded that someone take her. I have a long history with this girl and I know she is prone to dramatics - this is eerily similar to one of them.


The best example is that about 5 years ago at a large party she got very drunk even though she knew she had to either drive herself home (her parents' home) or stay at the party. She started yelling at me and other friends saying that "if we really cared about her, we wouldn't let her drink." so we hid any alcohol from her and moved on. 15 minutes later she had re-found the hidden alcohol and was doing shots telling us "you can't tell me what to do". So we ignored her and minutes later we got the same "if you were really my friends you'd stop me from drinking." -- my friendship with this person has been situations like this CONSTANTLY.


Having removed her drama from my life a few months ago - I sort of dread that it will re-enter. I will be contacting her soon, but I feel like I don't really want the same friendship we used to have, which was close. I would rather not be one of her good friends anymore after the things she has put me and our other friends through. I feel guilty because this comes at a time when I know she needs support. Am I being a bad friend by feeling this way? Is this something I can eventually talk to her about? I'm just feeling really conflicted...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 4:42pm

I hear what you are saying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2006
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 4:14pm

I have a lot of alcoholics in my life. I have a drinking problem, too, that isn't alcoholism. One thing I've learned is that it really doesn't matter why they get help. Just that they do. Sometimes it's the family that makes them go. Or the courts. Hopefully one day it will stick. She may go in and out of rehab. That's ok. As long as she keeps going back.

Now, about you pulling away, I can't blame you. I did the same thing with some of my alcoholic friends and family. Whatever keeps you sane and happy. If her drama is toxic to you, stay away. I had to do that with a very close family friend. It was hard. Al-anon helped a little. You might try that group. It's for friends and family of alcoholics.

Good luck. I think you are doing the right thing.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 5:06pm

Hi there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 10:38am

I think I may have suggested this to you before, but will humbly do so again...consider getting yourself to Al-Anon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 9:27am
Thank you all so much
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 4:29pm
hprice, how are you doing today?

                               

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 3:25pm
Hi - No, unfortunately, I have not been able to attend a meeting yet. I have looked up the times/locations for some nearby meetings but I don't think I'm going to be able to get to one for a while. I really am planning to - I am currently recovering from lyme disease / trying to figure out with doctors if I have to start more treatment for lyme. It's been chaotic but I do really care about learning more about all this and plan on attending a meeting. Again, I really really appreciate the guidance on this forum. I will let you know once I do attend a meeting and/if I have any questions in helping my friend. Thanks!