getting a Divorce ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
getting a Divorce ...
4
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 2:23pm

I have been frequenting this board for a while now - maybe about a year and a half? Maybe more? I guess things have just gone on and on - and at this point, we are now getting a Divorce. He is a heavy drinker, a gambler. Just a big jerk in general. I keep telling myself I am better off with him gone - but WHY then is this so hard? I made a LOT of mistakes in our relationship, I am NO saint. So I definitely played a role in all of this. I have really cleaned my life up ... and honestly, I think that may be what drove us apart. I wanted to start living Right - and he didn't.

What hurts the most is that I asked him to leave in October. He left. And has NOT CONTACTED ME SINCE. I have called him, tried to see what we could do to repair things ... it's so weird - I have said Sorry - and he says to me "You NEVER say you're sorry." And I can only say to him - "I've said Sorry already THREE TIMES in this very conversation." It's like he doesn't hear me???

And the truth is - HE is the one who isn't sorry. I am constantly trying to repair things ... and he just wants me to Submit. It's like he wants me under his thumb??? I don't understand it?

he has kicked ME OUT previously - and I returned. But it's like he DEMANDS ultimate loyalty? He can do whatever he wants to me ... but when I ask HIM to leave - now suddenly I've broken all the rules? Why is it OK for him to do that to me? but not ok for me to do it to him?

He sure can dish it out - but he can't take it?

He has absolutely run rough-shod over our marriage - with the Gambling and the drinking. I am BETTER OFF without him - but in my head I think ... well maybe he isn't doing that anymore? He had curtailed his drinking a bit - and also his gambling. Maybe he's getting better? maybe the minute I leave, is when he turns out to be this great guy?

I know he's a great guy deep down. I love him for that deep-down part - I just don't get to see it. He's often one way when we have company over - and then TOTALLY different when we're alone.

Is this common for alcoholics? Is it just him?

I've got to move past this. It's been 4 months since he left. He has no use for me. He doesn't care. Why do I still care? Why is my heart SMASHED and broken? We were in the marriage for 10+ years - and I have filed for divorce ... but this is NOT how I wanted my life to be.

I am turning to Religion and exercise to get through this. I'm actually so proud of myself for handling this in a healthy way. I could be sleeping with men, and instead I'm making good choices. I'm very proud of this. I have also re-dedicated my life to my Faith, so this is a positive change. I'm on the right path now. Now that he's gone. He was SO BAD for me. How do I get past this? How do I move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 6:53pm

Sorry to hear you are in such turmoil. The break up of a marriage is difficult no matter the circumstances. It would be odd if you didn't have the feelings & emotions you are having.

The one theme I read throughout your post is that you are better off long term with this decision. It seems maybe though you might be second guessing that at times. That is completely normal. The way to get over it? As so often said on this board, one day at a time. The other thing is to keep your focus on the big picture.

LG
LG
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 9:07pm

I am so proud of you for handling this in a positive way too!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Thu, 01-29-2009 - 5:45pm

well a lot of it was decided for me - instead of me consciously making a change in my life. One big {conscious} thing that happened - is I started going to church. My {soon to be} x husband HATED it. LOL! Also, I started really inviting community into my life {he would always throw a fit when I'd have people over} - I decided I didn't want to be so isolated anymore. So ... those were changes that I made. I told him that I wanted to throw a dinner party WITHOUT alcohol. LOL! Trust me ... it didn't go over well.

He and I have always had VERY intense and angry fights. He would always bully me {not allow me physically to leave the room or grab my wrists or just handle me roughly} well, I would always PHYSICALLY fight back. This turned out to be a bad idea - b/c HE called the cops on ME! He tried to get me into legal trouble. He is a REALLY MEAN person & even though he handled me roughly -- I was in trouble for hitting.

NEVER let it get to this point. He basically kicked me out - then later I left - then I kicked HIM out ... and that's when he cut off all communication to me. It sounds so Jerry Springer - and really, it was. He was SO SO bad for my soul. He is a low-end bum, quite frankly and I am much better off. But even so ... I'm having a hard time moving on ... in a lot of ways. I guess when I lived that way for so long ... it became my Normal.

I am so glad I have connected with my higher power - and I cannot deny that an extra benefit to this is that it REALLY pisses him off ;-) tee hee.

All I can say is - if a man EVER handles you roughly or even does other kind of bully stuff like not letting you leave a room or grabbing your arms or your shoulders - you GET OUT right then and there. My alcoholic husband was also a cop - and he used to drive drunk ALL THE TIME. Honestly, cops are no more honest than the rest of us - and quite frankly probably LESS honest {especially the alcoholic ones}. He had no honor at all - not in his profession, and not in his personal life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Fri, 01-30-2009 - 10:31pm

Yes I have heard that about police officers a lady at my work was married to one and he was an alcoholic and very abusive this goes back about 15 years and the other cops alwas stood up for him.