getting a Divorce ...
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|Tue, 01-27-2009 - 2:23pm|
I have been frequenting this board for a while now - maybe about a year and a half? Maybe more? I guess things have just gone on and on - and at this point, we are now getting a Divorce. He is a heavy drinker, a gambler. Just a big jerk in general. I keep telling myself I am better off with him gone - but WHY then is this so hard? I made a LOT of mistakes in our relationship, I am NO saint. So I definitely played a role in all of this. I have really cleaned my life up ... and honestly, I think that may be what drove us apart. I wanted to start living Right - and he didn't.
What hurts the most is that I asked him to leave in October. He left. And has NOT CONTACTED ME SINCE. I have called him, tried to see what we could do to repair things ... it's so weird - I have said Sorry - and he says to me "You NEVER say you're sorry." And I can only say to him - "I've said Sorry already THREE TIMES in this very conversation." It's like he doesn't hear me???
And the truth is - HE is the one who isn't sorry. I am constantly trying to repair things ... and he just wants me to Submit. It's like he wants me under his thumb??? I don't understand it?
he has kicked ME OUT previously - and I returned. But it's like he DEMANDS ultimate loyalty? He can do whatever he wants to me ... but when I ask HIM to leave - now suddenly I've broken all the rules? Why is it OK for him to do that to me? but not ok for me to do it to him?
He sure can dish it out - but he can't take it?
He has absolutely run rough-shod over our marriage - with the Gambling and the drinking. I am BETTER OFF without him - but in my head I think ... well maybe he isn't doing that anymore? He had curtailed his drinking a bit - and also his gambling. Maybe he's getting better? maybe the minute I leave, is when he turns out to be this great guy?
I know he's a great guy deep down. I love him for that deep-down part - I just don't get to see it. He's often one way when we have company over - and then TOTALLY different when we're alone.
Is this common for alcoholics? Is it just him?
I've got to move past this. It's been 4 months since he left. He has no use for me. He doesn't care. Why do I still care? Why is my heart SMASHED and broken? We were in the marriage for 10+ years - and I have filed for divorce ... but this is NOT how I wanted my life to be.
I am turning to Religion and exercise to get through this. I'm actually so proud of myself for handling this in a healthy way. I could be sleeping with men, and instead I'm making good choices. I'm very proud of this. I have also re-dedicated my life to my Faith, so this is a positive change. I'm on the right path now. Now that he's gone. He was SO BAD for me. How do I get past this? How do I move on?