Didn't cause no trouble

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2008
Didn't cause no trouble
9
Mon, 03-02-2009 - 1:22pm

My bf made a comment the other night about his drinking. He usually just drinks beer but a couple of weeks ago he bought a bottle of bourbon and drank half of it Friday night and the other half Saturday night. He made the comment "but I didn't cause no trouble". I didn't know what to say--I didn't say anything. No, he didn't cause any trouble, if trouble is defined as fighting or the police coming or something of that nature. Is my being uncomfortable with the fact that he drinks every night, whether it's several beers or bourbon drinks or shots of tequila, and then won't eat dinner, and maybe passes out on me in the bedroom not defined as trouble? I guess he thinks all is well as long as there is no "trouble"?

I have a friend who is chronically one to three hours late for social or family gatherings. He is very critical of this behavior and of course, she is critical of his heavy drinking. He was talking about her the other night and I said "her thing is being late all the time like your thing is drinking every day. I don't like either one of these things but I can't do anything about it. I can't fix her and I can't fix you--I can only fix myself". He was a bit more humble after that. But he still drank.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Mon, 03-02-2009 - 2:51pm
I know what you mean Suzi.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Mon, 03-02-2009 - 5:42pm

One of the things that helped me get my head out of the sand and start being realistic was this list.


LOST


Home
Relationship
Job
Friends
Driving Priv.
Ability to not be put in jail
Ability to call someone and them not hang up on you
Ability to talk without slurring words
Ability to know where you are when you wake up


ETC ETC ETC


I would sit and say "Nope, I have not had most of those."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2008
Mon, 03-02-2009 - 6:54pm
What is amazing to me is how much control he DOES have. He knows just how far he can push the limit in every situation. Back in the summer he got mad at me and used that as an excuse to drink to excess and act out. The first time almost got him arrested, the 2nd time I had had it and ended the relationship. But we talked and he wanted another chance, so I gave in and we got back together. Though he is still drinking, he has not blamed me for it anymore--he knows not to go that far. He'll blame other things, but not me. He also lives very close to his watering holes, thus decreasing his chances of a DWI or an accident. When he's with me, I drive. He's very careful and knows what and how much he can get away with. He also seems to be very responsible with money, though he spends quite a bit going to bars, buying alcohol, cigarettes and gambling. He has considerably more in the bank than I do. Maybe he's a "controlled alcoholic" or a "responsible alcoholic"?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Mon, 03-02-2009 - 9:43pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Tue, 03-03-2009 - 12:29pm

Welcome!!


If its trouble for you, its trouble.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 9:06am

Suzi - My ex ABF would use the same line. As long as he drank at home he wasn't causing problems. He just didn't get that his drinking caused the end of our relationship. It caused his kids to not want to spend time with him. It caused major health issues for him. It was the base reason for almost everything negative in his life. He just didn't and still can't see it.


He went to work every day and was productive. He kept up with his social obligations. He goes to the gym several times a week. But...he drinks every night.


Notice I said ex. I had to leave the relationship for my own sanity. It got to be way too much for me to deal with.

LG
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2008
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 10:33am

I feel that I would be happier if I left this relationship but it is such a struggle for various reasons. Each time I see him drinking and start to see that glazed look in his eyes and know that he has "crossed over" from a slight buzz to a big one, I realize this is not what I want in a life partner. I love to drink myself, and would like to be able to share a bottle of wine or a couple of drinks with that special person without worrying about how far HE goes. It makes me sad. I drink for special occasions or when socializing--he drinks every night no matter the circumstances.

Why do I feel if I leave I am abandoning him with this problem? I know he's a big boy and has lost girlfriends and wives in the past and survived just fine. I ended the relationship back in the summer but it was really bad timing--right after his birthday and he was about to have back surgery. He did everything he could to make me feel sorry for him and so I took him back. This is just really hard. I have become close to his family and really don't have much of a life myself outside of the time I spend with him, so it's sad for me too. But the only time I feel a sense of peace is when I make the decision that I have to leave. I just don't know how to do it. We are in a long distance relationship, spending weekends and vacation time together. Any suggestions on how to break it off under those circumstances?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 7:34pm

Hello and welcome


I am Beth, alcoholic and one of the cls here.


You are not abandoning him. He has chosen. You are being a caretaker for yourself.

Bye Cookie
Cookie 12/1994-1/2009


Beth


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Thu, 03-05-2009 - 8:44am

I had a lot of those same feelings. Like if I wasn't around he would get worse, who would be there to drive him home when he was somewhere too drunk to drive. Would he get in an accident and kill someone, would that be my fault for leaving. It took some soul searching as I really believed for a time we were soul mates.


I had also pretty much stopped my life to be in his. Fortunately I have some really good long term friends that I've reconnected with, talk to, and get a lot of support from. I took the time I needed to grieve the loss of the relationship but found that I had really left it emotionally long before I left it physically.


He called me a few times after, while drinking, which just reinforced in my mind that I had

LG