Moving out and freaking out

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Moving out and freaking out
11
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 10:42am

I'm struggling a bit today and just needed to get my thoughts out there and ask for any advice anyone in my situation has.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2009
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 12:14pm

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2002
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 12:41pm

Ending a relationship with an alcoholic for your own good is never easy.


 


"OMG, I got engaged, the world will never be the same!...."


&nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 12:51am

You sound like a very nice person! I honestly think that is the problem with US {those of us that love alcoholics} we are nice and decent people. And we think OTHER people are nice and decent people too - and maybe somewhere deep down, they are ... but I can tell you this - BE FIRM my dear. YOU come first, OK? I know you are trying to spare his feelings, but ... you look out for YOU. OK? You can tip-toe around the situation till the cows come home, better to be straight about it.


I tried for years to appease my alcoholic. Honestly, at some point I had to come to terms {I am still coming to terms with} the fact that maybe he won't like me very much - but this is about SELF preservation. He might be mad at you - mine will no longer return any calls or acknowledge me in anyway. I am dead to him. I can hear him saying that to his friends.


And holy cow, it hurts. I did the EXACT same thing as YOU DID - at first - I didn't join in the party - and then, in efforts to try and get his attention ... I started partying WAY too hard. Neither made me happy. It's been 6 months for me ... the first 4 months were TERRIBLE. TERRIBLE! But honey, I know I am going to land on my feet. And you will TOO! You sound very capable, very compassionate - and ready to make a change. Do it ... and don't look back.


All the best and keep us posted, CD

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2008
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 10:12am

Missy, I can totally relate to what you are going through. My bf is a sweetheart and were it not for the nightly drinking I think I could be really happy with him. But I know that this is part of who he is and as much as I'd like him to be different, I have to accept that it probably won't happen, at least not until something really horrible happens to make him realize he has a problem. I have talked to him many times about my discomfort with his level of drinking, so he knows I could walk away at any time. But I still don't think he really "gets" it. What's the big deal about a few beers, right? For me it's so hard letting go of the good parts and that's what I'm working on now. Two nights ago he didn't drink anything (he doesn't hide it) and I found that I was so comfortable and relaxed all evening. It felt "normal" to me. He'll do that every once in a while, but it only lasts for one night. I try to tell myself I'm being too judgmental or picky....after all, I'm far from perfect. But still yet, I want to roll my eyes when I see him go to the fridge for yet another beer.

As far as getting another place lined up, that is probably a good idea. When I was married and wanted to leave my husband I found that if I didn't already have a place ready to go to I was more susceptible to being talked out of it. Do what you have to do to get out, girl. If things change you can always go back, just don't go back unless it's really what you want and you are seeing real change for a good length of time. I'll be throwing good thoughts your way.

Suzi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 1:23pm

Missy! -


First I'd like to apologize for not getting to

                               

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Mon, 04-20-2009 - 5:22pm
Bless you all for your replies. I am doing okay. You know, good days and bad days. Some days I'm so resolved in my decision that I'm almost excited for a fresh start. It feels good to take control of my life and quit feeling like a victim. Then other days I'm scared to death to be alone, to change everything in my life, to leave someone I care about and shake up our entire group of friends (which I'm not sure would be a bad thing!) I know I'm making the right decision and I'm resolved that it's what I need to do, but I can also feel myself stalling. I lost the original condo because someone got their app in before me. Every time I find another place I like I make excuses to stall getting an application in and the apartment or condo is snatched up before I can get it. I know I'm sabotaging myself, but I'm trying to be gentle with myself and just accept that it's hard. But if I can just take it one day at a time I'll be okay. Get in an application. Pay the deposit. Move my stuff out. I have an appoitment to view another apartment tomorrow. I'm seriously considering leaving work early to look at it tonight while I'm feeling courageous. :) But I know I'm making the right decision. I feel resolved in that. It's not really even about him and his drinking anymore. It's about me and fixing what's broken with me so that I can have a healthy relationship with a healthy person and not feel like I have to settle for someone's emotional scraps. I want that and I deserve that and I'll never get that unless both me and my bf do a lot of changing. So that sort of makes it easier to leave. Because it's not about putting the blame on him and the drinking but accepting my responsibility in the whole mess and learning from it and hopefully coming out happier and healthier on the other side. Anyway, that's where I'm at. thank you again all for your replies and experiences and concern. It really does mean so much. Wish me luck with this apartment! Missy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Tue, 04-21-2009 - 3:02pm

Well I did it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2008
Tue, 04-21-2009 - 8:39pm

Congratulations, Missy. I'm rooting for you. I think you and I are in a similar situation and seeing you move forward with your life gives me hope that I can do the same. Please keep us posted.

Suzi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
Wed, 04-22-2009 - 11:56am
Boy, when I first read your message. I can totally relate. I have recently left my bf of 11 years, wow that's a long time, in the last couple of days. It was in the midst of a brawl, post his drinking, and it...escalated..and I got scared and left. Drinking has brought it's bag of negativity, despair, anger, resentment, etc. The foundation to our relationship has cracked and will probably and if ever, will need to be rebuilt. It's a shame, really. Does it break my heart? Absolutely. Do I feel bad that I am taking our dogs and selling this house that we worked on every detail together. Absolutely. Do I still love him. Sadly, absolutely. But my father said something recently, that made it click. He said...he doesn't have an issue with his drinking. He can drink with the best of him, according to him. What's a few beers? But, it's okay if YOU have an issue with it. Self preservation is right. Why wait until you have a heartache, panic attack, or whatever. It's a lot of emotional pain to go through this. And drinking or not drinking, the hurt, and memories that linger can continue to burnish the relationship or metamorphosise into bigger monsters. It's hard to accept the love can be trampled on by this devil. I guess it's also important to realize that the person you love is also the person that denies his preference towards drinking and transforms into that person in the nasty arguments. What kills me is there is nothing more I wanted than to MOVE on with my bf. Have children, grow old in this house we worked on, but, I realized, we're frozen. There's no movement. And maybe I have to step outside the lines for anything to progress. It's hard. Really hard. It's hard when you spent so much time with that person, and there's a true friendship and genuine love under all the yucky stuff. But, being able to say, this is not safe, not good, not fitting for ME right now, is okay. We have so much love, and it's hard to let go. And what hurts even more is when they are so mad at us, maybe they don't even like us. Maybe they don't like themselves. Maybe it's like any situation, it's easier to blame someone else than admit to your own shortcomings. I say if bad feelings some your way, be the better person and stay on the polite side. I needed to blow the whistle and say time out. Time out because, this is not working and I see myself getting tired. For some people, they are able to not let the emotions take over and channel it out. I too have tried this and instead came to totally ignore my bf and create this new life that got so busy, it didn't include him. So you see, we're not perfect either. But, we are all different and have different needs and if we ignore our inner voice, we are not living. And without expectations, who knows, maybe his goals will change, that's his story. We can't write it for them, only ourselves. I hope I too can let go...for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 3:03pm

Wow syd, so much of what you said hit home.

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