Pot, guilt, and a baby
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|Wed, 07-07-2010 - 10:39am|
My husband has been a chronic weed user since we met (well he did hide it for 3 months). I've never seen weed until I met him. I tried it with him when we were first dating, got sick, thought it was dumb, and moved on. I can say that I now understand how it's about similar to alcohol, etc. And as an adult in adult situations, fine. But the chronic usage did bother me. We're talking as soon as he wakes up, before he goes to the store, before and during parties, before going to bed, etc. While he does have a bad back (bad injury he refuses to get surgery for) it's also an excuse for every other reason. Our wedding on an island? That's all he and his friend was obsessed with. I felt nervous, didn't want any part of it (I am neurotic about getting in trouble), and they did what they wanted to do (against my wishes). So this was something I put up with for 8 years thinking well we're both adults, he's not doing worse, he's not forcing me, etc. However, he has friends who use as in go in the basement while their kids are upstairs being watched by others and I always told him I did not like that. I felt that people had to stay sober when watching their kids and shoving them off on others is wrong. What if something happened and you had to go to the ER? How the heck are you going to explain to a doc that you're both high (it's in the eyes, they'll be able to tell) and you were watching your kids? I don't care if it's "just weed", being a parent requires sobriety.
So that was the first 6 years. Then I got pregnant. We were happy, looking forward to it, etc. But as the pregnancy went on his habits/values came into question for me. It was like a light went on. His weed use, bad with money, yelling to the point I had to leave because it was too much, his loser friends, his crap business that is failing yet he won't go the extra mile and get a 'real job', etc. were all wrong for this family and our child. By the 3rd trimester, we were fighting more and more, I was more persistant that all of this bothered me, and I was starting to think maybe we need to break up.
Now our child is 18 months and I'm fed up. My husband continues to smoke weed chronically to where he'll smoke before we go out and sit in the driver's seat. I'm floored thinking "you honestly think you should drive our child???" Sure he'll say "ok no worries" and move over for me to drive but now I'm a chauffeur for safety??? Or he'll bring me and our child to his loser friend's house where EVERYONE is a pothead and we're upstairs waiting for him and his friends to get done smoking weed? I'm waiting for my husband, the father of our child to get high? No! That's wrong. He then has the nerve to tell me I'm the one teaching our child bad values by saying I do NOT want him around these people. Huh?
He's been on hydrocodone every month (or nearly) for his back. He's been popping 2-4 pills at a time 2ce a day, sometimes mixing alcohol but always with the weed. I told him for safety and health, he cannot do that with our child in his care. We took our child to the doc recently, he drove the child, I met him there and I looked at his eyes. They looked high. I was so angry. He said oh it was the vicodin--1.5 pills. Sorry but I've never seen pills make "high eyes" before.
The final straw was when I saw 60 pills gone in 3 days. I was worried about health but also WTH happened? Did he share them with his friends but it still didn't make sense to go through them that fast. Nope. He said he sold them.
That was the final straw for me because we're not destitue, unemployed, about to lose our home where MAYBE I would get it (although it's wrong/illegal). We both WORK and he said "well I'm broke and I"ll do anything for money". Um..how about a JOB???? And that just hit me on the head. We will always be in trouble with money (no excuse for us too), I will always worry/wonder about his behavior/values with the weed, he will always hang with losers (nice people but still, potheads, worse, and now sellers of drugs??), and you know, our child deserves a better influence. How dare he argue with me that it's MY FAULT to teach our kid values because I don't want any of this??? It's messed up.
I've sought lawyers and made my decison to leave. Since he has a questionable mood and we have firearms in the house, it has been advised to tread carefully. Drag him to therapy and have the therapist tell us we need to divorce. This way I'm not the bad guy (and him exploding with anger or worse).
My gut tells me this is the right thing to do for everyone. But then why the heck am I feeling guilty, horrible, scared, and part of me can't make a move? I know part of it is complete fear of his reaction (it's going to get ugly) to where I'll have to play hard back and get court ordered this and that. I do NOT want to do that. Not to enable him but to me, it does not good for our child to start all of this off with hate, anger, bitterness, and revenge.
So am I right in saying this has to end and I need to leave, protect our son, and get a better life with hope? I'm afraid at being 38 that all there is left in the world are people like him or worse. He can be amazingly charming, romantic, sweet, loving but then all of this utter crap has made me lose all respect, like, and love for him. I'm angry he messed all of this up. I'm angry that his weed is more important. I'm angry that he cannot see any of this as wrong because his whole point in life is to be "right".
I feel so alone, lost, and scared.