Pot, guilt, and a baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
Pot, guilt, and a baby
30
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 10:39am

Hi,


My husband has been a chronic weed user since we met (well he did hide it for 3 months). I've never seen weed until I met him. I tried it with him when we were first dating, got sick, thought it was dumb, and moved on. I can say that I now understand how it's about similar to alcohol, etc. And as an adult in adult situations, fine. But the chronic usage did bother me. We're talking as soon as he wakes up, before he goes to the store, before and during parties, before going to bed, etc. While he does have a bad back (bad injury he refuses to get surgery for) it's also an excuse for every other reason. Our wedding on an island? That's all he and his friend was obsessed with. I felt nervous, didn't want any part of it (I am neurotic about getting in trouble), and they did what they wanted to do (against my wishes). So this was something I put up with for 8 years thinking well we're both adults, he's not doing worse, he's not forcing me, etc. However, he has friends who use as in go in the basement while their kids are upstairs being watched by others and I always told him I did not like that. I felt that people had to stay sober when watching their kids and shoving them off on others is wrong. What if something happened and you had to go to the ER? How the heck are you going to explain to a doc that you're both high (it's in the eyes, they'll be able to tell) and you were watching your kids? I don't care if it's "just weed", being a parent requires sobriety.



So that was the first 6 years. Then I got pregnant. We were happy, looking forward to it, etc. But as the pregnancy went on his habits/values came into question for me. It was like a light went on. His weed use, bad with money, yelling to the point I had to leave because it was too much, his loser friends, his crap business that is failing yet he won't go the extra mile and get a 'real job', etc. were all wrong for this family and our child. By the 3rd trimester, we were fighting more and more, I was more persistant that all of this bothered me, and I was starting to think maybe we need to break up.


Now our child is 18 months and I'm fed up. My husband continues to smoke weed chronically to where he'll smoke before we go out and sit in the driver's seat. I'm floored thinking "you honestly think you should drive our child???" Sure he'll say "ok no worries" and move over for me to drive but now I'm a chauffeur for safety??? Or he'll bring me and our child to his loser friend's house where EVERYONE is a pothead and we're upstairs waiting for him and his friends to get done smoking weed? I'm waiting for my husband, the father of our child to get high? No! That's wrong. He then has the nerve to tell me I'm the one teaching our child bad values by saying I do NOT want him around these people. Huh?


He's been on hydrocodone every month (or nearly) for his back. He's been popping 2-4 pills at a time 2ce a day, sometimes mixing alcohol but always with the weed. I told him for safety and health, he cannot do that with our child in his care. We took our child to the doc recently, he drove the child, I met him there and I looked at his eyes. They looked high. I was so angry. He said oh it was the vicodin--1.5 pills. Sorry but I've never seen pills make "high eyes" before.


The final straw was when I saw 60 pills gone in 3 days. I was worried about health but also WTH happened? Did he share them with his friends but it still didn't make sense to go through them that fast. Nope. He said he sold them.


That was the final straw for me because we're not destitue, unemployed, about to lose our home where MAYBE I would get it (although it's wrong/illegal). We both WORK and he said "well I'm broke and I"ll do anything for money". Um..how about a JOB???? And that just hit me on the head. We will always be in trouble with money (no excuse for us too), I will always worry/wonder about his behavior/values with the weed, he will always hang with losers (nice people but still, potheads, worse, and now sellers of drugs??), and you know, our child deserves a better influence. How dare he argue with me that it's MY FAULT to teach our kid values because I don't want any of this??? It's messed up.


I've sought lawyers and made my decison to leave. Since he has a questionable mood and we have firearms in the house, it has been advised to tread carefully. Drag him to therapy and have the therapist tell us we need to divorce. This way I'm not the bad guy (and him exploding with anger or worse).


My gut tells me this is the right thing to do for everyone. But then why the heck am I feeling guilty, horrible, scared, and part of me can't make a move? I know part of it is complete fear of his reaction (it's going to get ugly) to where I'll have to play hard back and get court ordered this and that. I do NOT want to do that. Not to enable him but to me, it does not good for our child to start all of this off with hate, anger, bitterness, and revenge.


So am I right in saying this has to end and I need to leave, protect our son, and get a better life with hope? I'm afraid at being 38 that all there is left in the world are people like him or worse. He can be amazingly charming, romantic, sweet, loving but then all of this utter crap has made me lose all respect, like, and love for him. I'm angry he messed all of this up. I'm angry that his weed is more important. I'm angry that he cannot see any of this as wrong because his whole point in life is to be "right".


I feel so alone, lost, and scared.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2002
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 4:02pm

I totally understand the guilt trips. I'm a non-drinker and I used to be in a 4 year relationship with an alcoholic. When I first started coming to this board, I was desperate and so caught up in the whirlwind of living with the distorted versions of reality that alcoholics/addicts cause.

When I joined came to this baord and Al-anon, I learned that guilt trips are a normal ploy for the alcoholic/addict to project their own guilt onto others so they don't feel so bad about their bad behavior. Their distortion of reality and the way they see things are so off kilter that it makes loved ones go insane trying to reason and get through to them.

I remember worrying constantly about my bf's behavior, the trouble he could get into, the consequences of his actions while he was under the influence (which he conveniently didn't remember because he "blacked out"). Of course when I repeatedly told him about how his drinking was affecting me, and how vicious and verbally abusive he was becoming, although he in the beginning he apologized, he began blaming me, other people, the rain, you name it, he was never responsible for his OWN behavior. And he had no intention of stopping.

It was through Al-anon that I learned that I had to start holding him accountable for his bad behavior, I had to stop obsessing about how much, how often or where he chose to drink. I had to stop taking care of him, enabling him and allowing him to destroy my life as he was his own. I learned to live my life outside the tornado of addiction and helped me get my sanity back so I could finally make the decision to break off the relationship.

I wasn't married to my alcoholic, and I didn't have kids with him, however I do have 3 kids from a previous marriage and neither my ex husband nor I drink. So it didn't seem fair to raise my kids in an alcoholic environment and have this man take my household prisoner just because he chose to continue to drink. No matter how much guilt my ex tried to put on me when my mind was made up, I was fed up and he needed to go. It was MY house and he and his drinking was no longer welcome. Relationships are complicated enough, add an addiction and it spells nothing but trouble.

I came to the realization too that there was no way my ex could care for me or anyone else because he didn't care about himself. If he did, he wouldn't have continued his destructive behavior that eventually took his life 6 years ago. It was unfortunate and I felt horrible about it, but there was nothing anyone could've done to save him because he had to make that choice for himself, no one could do it for him.

Please keep coming back, this is a great place to vent, find resources and find others who've gone through what you're going through. I found it helpful hearing for folks from the other side of the fence who are dealing with their own addictions. It showed me the human side of the addiction because quite frankly, those of us who don't have drug/alcoholic addiction can't fathom what it's like to be in an alcoholic/addict's skin, and vice versa.

Take care and God bless.

Deb



 


"OMG, I got engaged, the world will never be the same!...."


&nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 5:31pm
Hello and welcome.
BIG RED FLAG
Whoever told you to drag him to therapy and let therapist tell him was wrong. One, therapists aren't to take sides, and if he ever DID want to get better, he would never trust a therapist again. Two, from your letter I believe you have reason to be afraid. Call a domestic abuse hotline and ask for a way to leave without escalating bad behavior. Then get the heck out. If you have a house your own together, get a lawyer to draw up papers saying that you are not abandoning your desire to own it, you just want your baby safe.
Please....call the DV people.

Beth

Alcohol. Substances, and Recovery



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 2:59pm

I have been in your shoes but with a 4 yr old and

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 4:05pm

I saw your title on the main page of the message boards, and it drew my attention.

He sounds a lot like my ex-husband. The daily pot smoking, the hydrocodone, the yelling. He was also insecure and became emotionally abusive on top of that. Actually he was nicer on pot so I accepted it. Heck he grew it in our house against my wishes.

The worse thing he did was take in on a plane. This was one month after 9-11 mind you. We flew to the East Coast, and he got it from his brother (a criminal justice major no doubt!). He put it inside a candle and remelted the bottom.

I was so ticked. I was like, "Don't even come near me don't acknowledge me. I don't know you." He got through security surprisingly.

I told this to people and they called that grounds for breaking up. I was surprised. What was wrong with me that I didn't see it like that too???? At the time he had made me feel like I wasn't fun or that I wasn't cool enough, when he could have jeopardized MY future for one stupid move.

And after that I still married him. Here lies the problem.

I CHOSE THE WRONG MAN.

You did too. You knew his habits but stayed with him. He doesn't want to change, you cannot get him to change, so it's time to get out. It's time to look at yourself and realize this is not the man you want. It's time to leave.

"I'm afraid at being 38 that all there is left in the world are people like him or worse."

Yep, I thought I had one of the good ones, or rather that they don't really get much better than that.

Yes, it was scary to make a move. I was scared of how bad it was going to get so maintaining the status quo was easier. I drug mine to therapy once - and therapists do not take sides. He said it was all crap and never went again.

Soooo not true! There are great guys and I snagged a super one that is an absolute gem.




Edited 7/9/2010 4:12 pm ET by sienna76
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 2:03pm

I think he has an underlying mental illness.

sweets35
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 1:18pm
I agree with whoever said contact a domestic violence shelter. They can be clearinghouses for referrals in regards to such matters. You also need to apply for custody of your child. I'm in California. Neither parent actually has legal custody of their child, until the courts grant it. That means either parent can take the child and NOTHING will be done by the police/courts, etc. until custodial arrangements are made. You can request psychological and drug testing, before he be allowed unsupervised visitation with the child. Also, document, in writing, the dates and times he has driven, appeared intoxicated with the child in his care, such as the Drs, appointment. All this will be considered supporting documentation in family court. Don't assume that things will automatically go your way because you are the mother and the "healthy" one. My partner has bi-polar. He actually had a psychotic break, and tried to take our dd, naked and cold to "go live with the Amish." The police couldn't/wouldn't do anything because neither of us had custody and he wasn't considered "dangerous" to himself or our dd.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 3:55pm

First of all, it is not your fault that your husband has this problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2008
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 12:57pm

I was in your shoes six years ago. The similarities are uncanny; my ex was a chronic pothead and pill-popper with loser friends, no ambition, an aversion to work, an ugly temper, and a gun collection. You're right, it could get ugly. May I give you some advice?


First, don't "drag" him to a therapist, but drag yourself to one for a while before you make a move. He or she will be a valuable resource for you in the difficult days ahead.


Second, don't tell him you want a divorce until you've taken steps to protect yourself and your child, i.e., have a safe place to go. A friend's house? A hotel? Just have some destination in mind in case he flips out. Have a couple of bags packed and be ready to split if necessary.


Also... preferably before you tell him you want out...begin quietly and specifically (i.e., dates, times) documenting his behavior, especially as it pertains to the child's safety, your safety, and his own safety. If you have access to incriminating emails texts or photos,

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2009
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 4:28pm

I've sought lawyers and made my decison to leave. Since he has a questionable mood and we have firearms in the house, it has been advised to tread carefully. Drag him to therapy and have the therapist tell us we need to divorce. This way I'm not the bad guy (and him exploding with anger or worse).********

Get all the free consultations that you can, over the phone or what have you. Do not drag your husband anywhere, pigeon- holing him will make him react. No therapist will tell you to divorce him with him sitting there!

***My gut tells me this is the right thing to do for everyone. But then why the heck am I feeling guilty, horrible, scared, and part of me can't make a move? ****

Because change is hard but must be done for your baby's sake now too.

****I'm afraid at being 38 that all there is left in the world are people like him or worse.****

So...ok...even if that were so, I'd rather be alone then!!! Think about it! Besides, it's not true, I have a prince now and I've had some bad frogs...

****So am I right in saying this has to end and I need to leave, protect our son, and get a better life with hope?********

YES,YES, YES! Right and smart and a proper mom!

***He can be amazingly charming, romantic, sweet, loving ****

So can anybody who needs to fake it to make it...look at serial killers ( not that your DH is but you know what I'm getting at here) Don't make excuses, sweet loving men do not put their families in jeopardy, they put their families needs first!

*****He's been on hydrocodone every month (or nearly) for his back. He's been popping 2-4 pills at a time 2ce a day, sometimes mixing alcohol but always with the weed.*****

He's an addict and a paranoid one at that with fire arms in the house...c'mon, you have a baby...you watch the news do you not? This can go all kinds of ugly!
You must leave, even if it's for just your own sanity so you can be a proper mom, ok?
You can do it!!!!!!
(((prayers))))

Real SM's use Jazz Hands
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 10:54am

Hollie

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