Would like opinions...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2010
Would like opinions...
4
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 11:04am
I ended a relationship with my functioning alcoholic bf a few weeks ago. He lives in another city from me but he still calls, wanting to be friends. It has not been easy dealing with his argumentative nature but I felt so bad about the way things ended and I wanted things to end on the best note possible. This weekend he is coming to my town to visit family and he wanted to stay with me. He said he would sleep on my couch and there would be no drinking. He wants to try to make things better. I told him that's just one day or one weekend and what about after that. He said no one can guarantee anything past one day at a time. He said he wants to cut back on drinking but doesn't have a specific plan for doing so. He has never admitted to a drinking problem and he has never accepted the word alcoholic. When I told him I didn't think staying with me was a good idea he became very angry and said some horrible things to me. I think all I've ever wanted from him is to sit down and have a rational conversation about our relationship. It just doesn't seem possible. He can be very controlling and gets upset if he doesn't get his way. I am very nervous about him coming here this weekend. I sent him a message yesterday after the horrible conversation and asked him not to call me anymore. He messaged back with multiple apologies and begged me to call him and still be his friend. This is just killing me because in spite of everything I do care very much for him. Is controlling behavior typical of alcoholics? I think I read somewhere that it was. Thanks for listening and for any encouragement. I so wish things were different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 5:51pm
Hi and welcome to the board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 8:13pm

Thank you so much Brenda. I did try a few Al Anon meetings but had trouble really getting into it. The things that people shared always seemed so vague to me and I couldn't make sense how to apply them to my situation. I know that you have to set boundaries but could never figure out what they needed to be and how to do it. Do you think it would still help me to go now, as we are broken up? I am going to start counseling to help me with my other issues.

I also think he is a very insecure person, as he doesn't trust me or believe what I tell him. He's very suspicious and I have never given him a reason to be. Gosh, this last 2.5 years has been a struggle! I used to blame his negative behavior on the drinking because when he's sober he's very calm and rational. The other night, however, he had only had 2 beers so I don't think that was it. I'm thinking now he has more issues than just the drinking. He was almost like a bully. And he's been like that before a few times, but I always thought he was drunk.

Thanks so much for responding. I feel very alone right now and my nerves are in knots.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 10:25pm
Al-Anon will absolutely still help you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2010
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 11:49am
Thanks again, Brenda. I know I just have to avoid for now. I do not have to answer the phone or a message if I don't want to. I do worry a bit that he will just show up at my house this weekend. I'm going to be gone part of the time, so maybe that will help. I really don't want any trouble.