New and I really need Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2007
New and I really need Help
1
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 2:44pm

Hi, I've been lurking around and seen some pretty good support / advice....


I would love to tell my story and get some outside opinons. I'm scared of making wrong choices and decisions for myself and my son.


Background: My boyfriend and I (both early 30's) have been together for 6 months, living together for 3. I have a 3 year old son that I share 50/50 with his dad. I went to junior and senior highschool with my bf - he moved to another state for 10 years, got married, had kids, became an addict and moved back. We ended up together. I love him with my whole heart, he is a wonderful, caring, loving, smart, funny man with a huge heart and a super strong desire to live right and live strong.


He is addicted to opiates, ocxycotin (sp?), vicoden, percs...whatever. I'm pretty sure that there was more involved but I don't ask and he doesn't say by mutal unspoken consent. He went to treatment 6 months ago and has been clean since. He goes for weekly drug tests, NA meetings etc. I know for a fact he has not used or been around people who use during that time. At home he is a wonderful partner to me and buddy to my little boy.


But I'm terrified. I don't and never have done drugs. I drink occasionally but rarely get 'drunk'. Generally just social with friends when my son is at his dad's if there is a bbq or something. I don't understand addiction.


He has been and is totally open with me. I will be attending some meetings with him, at his request, to learn more and be part of the recovery process outside our home. I trust him.


To a point I trust him that is......I'm terrified. Scared that the addict part will always be there. Scared that when things are not going so great (cause life is not always smooth sailing) that he will fall down. I'm scared that I wouldn't even know what to look for to know if he was using.


To top it all off, he has HepC. I've done my research, it's not dangerous to me or my child as it's a blood to blood disease but I'm terrified there too. I don't know what it means long term. And well heck, it's a scary disease that I've never had anythign to do with. He has been for HIV testing and everything else so I know all is well there but uh....


I don't know. I don't understand how I finally find my "soulmate" and he's an addict and a HC carrier. How did that happen?


I'm confused, scared and yet really really happy. I trust him, I have faith in him, but those are not always enough. I know I'm rambling right now, I'm not considering leaving him at all, our life is really good. My son is REALLY happy. I'm really happy. My BF is happy.....


I don't know what I'm looking for I guess. I've always been a pretty straight edged girl and have no experience with this. I feel I am making good choices, though I know on paper it doesn't sound that way. I've known this guy for 20 years. I love him with all my heart and am treated better then I have ever been in my life. He is a really fantastic tattoo artist and has tons of work so money coming in isn't an issue, he works hard and our downtime is spent being chill, hanging with friends, camping, kayaking, hiking etc....there is no partying, nor any desire too. We keep our house and yard nice, life healthy.....


Am I crazy? Am I deluding myself that this reality we've had going on for half

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 5:01pm
Anika....there are a couple of things that you can do.