He quits drinking, I have to be perfect?

Community Leader
Registered: 10-16-2007
He quits drinking, I have to be perfect?
10
Sun, 07-25-2010 - 12:58pm

Hi, looking for some advice!

My husband quit drinking 3 months ago. It was bad news for him. He didn't drink every day, but when he did, he wouldn't stop until he was obliterated. He would get drunk at home, drive to the bar then stay out all night...let's just say it led to other things.

Anyways. He quit drinking but has not gotten help. At the beginning he said he fully intended to go to AA, but he hasn't. I haven't pushed the issue because finally after 12 years of marriage I realized this has to be all about him. My choices are stay or leave...the rest is up to him.

He has been a real nightmare to live with lately. He constantly throws in my face the fact that he quit drinking, and I'm not doing anything to better our relationship. His main issues are that I don't make enough money and I work too many hours. I make more money than he does, but my company has not lived up to the financial commitments they made (in this economy, go figure). My job has never been 9-5...accept it and move on.

He expects life to be neat and orderly. If the house is too messy, the kids are too loud, he loses it. He expects the fridge to be full and all the bills to get paid without spending any money.

Is this normal? I really don't know how to deal with this!

Advice?

Thanks!
Michelle

Michelle

Mom to Addison (7) & Gabriel (4)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Sun, 07-25-2010 - 8:03pm

Hi Michelle and welcome!
People who stop drinking and do not get help SOMEWHERE (AA or therapy or by reading Rational Recovery or any other avenue of help) just stop drinking. Most (not necessarily all) of the people who drink have ISMS...the attitudes and behaviors that aren't so attractive. In AA they are called character defects, in religion they are called the deadly vices. I know I had anger issues when I didn't drink.

Anyway...his behavior is not unusual, but that doesn't make it right.
I hope I made sense...we just got back from vacation LOL.

Beth

Alcohol. Substances, and Recovery



Community Leader
Registered: 10-16-2007
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 1:52am

Hmmm....so are you saying that before he was a jerk and a drunk and now he's just a jerk?

Not sure I understand.

Michelle

Mom to Addison (7) & Gabriel (4)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2002
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 9:54am

When I was dealing with my former bf's futile attempts at becoming sober, he refused to get help and I assumed that if we took away the alcohol, he'd be the "nice" guy he was when I met him. NOPE! He was just as much of an obnoxious jerk sober as he was drunk. Since I don't drink, I didn't understand any of the stuff that goes with alcoholism and sobriety, so I had to ask questions.

One of my friends loaned me his AA big book and there was a chapter devoted to what is referred to as "dry drunk" syndrome. It's been several years since I read it but as I remember, it explained that when an alcoholic just stops drinking, they need to replace that alcohol with something, because new sobriety is uncomfortable and the alcoholic is suddenly aware of feelings they had numbed with alcohol so they're not familiar with them. So resentment and anger easily come to the surface.

Quitting drinking is one obstacle, the emotional aftermath needs to be addressed as well because to an alcoholic, quitting drinking is like doing away with their best friend. So when an alcoholic works a sobriety program, the psychological, mental and physical aspects of new sobriety are addressed which helps this rough period go a little smoother for some, not all.

I understand completely what you're going through and there's nothing YOU can do that will make that man happy, except you can suggest that he find a program to join, because he needs to get with people who've been through what he's going through. Taking it out on his wife is not the answer and you don't deserve that.

Deb



 


"OMG, I got engaged, the world will never be the same!...."


&nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 11:31am
Deb explained it well.

Beth

Alcohol. Substances, and Recovery



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 12:41pm

Hey Deb - Good to "see" you again!


In AA there is a little anecdote: "What do you get when you take alcohol away from a drunken horse thief?

Community Leader
Registered: 10-16-2007
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 4:57pm

Thanks ladies, I appreciate your input! I had it in my head that this was a phase, and it would pass. Guess it's not that easy. :(

Michelle

Michelle

Mom to Addison (7) & Gabriel (4)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2009
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 6:47am
I completely understand what you're describing. I am a heavy drinker, and so is my bf. Alcohol helps cope with life. I commute to and from work,
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 8:59am
Hello and welcome

Beth

Alcohol. Substances, and Recovery



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2007
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 11:19am

Glammygoth, I was going to say "Just get the hell out of Brooklyn already!" but then I realized you're in the UK.

Moving from the greater New York City metropolitan area to the Green Mountain State (tiny rural state of Vermont, but within weekending distance of glamminess in Montreal, Boston or NYC) made a huge difference in my Type A personality. I can still get "stressed, frustrated, super angry and agitated," but I do so less.

Commutes are a killer. Is there any way you two can get jobs you like, somewhere without a commute? Your misery for about 50% of your total waking hours comes through so clearly in your post.

"I never inquire what is doing at Constantinople; I am contented with sending thither the produce of my garden, which I cultivate with my own hands." -- http://www.literature.org/authors/voltaire/candide/chapter-30.html

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Um, hi, I'm not even a lurker here, I just wandered through. I've been reading about the parallels between alcoholism and sugar addiction lately, because my sugar intake has been a bit out of control since my pregnancy. My interest in the problem carb connection was renewed by seeing the book "Potatoes Not Prozac: Solutions for Sugar Sensitivity" at the used book shelf in the grocery store last month, and I should have shelled out the 50 cents for it then. It's carb addiction in another form, i.e., a negative biochemical feedback loop (that one may have a genetic predisposition to) that needs to be broken.

As for another thread I read here, I'm not going to comment on the vast majority of it, but please do inform yourself about the latest studies on this topic: http://www.cannabisnews.org/united-states-cannabis-news/smoking-marijuana-does-not-cause-lung-cancer/ (remember that even non-smokers get COPD and lung cancer, unfortunately)

 

Meez 3D avatar avatars games
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Sat, 08-07-2010 - 4:01pm

Hello Michelle.